Self-Care is NOT Selfish

This pandemic has taught me many things. I've learned that I really (I mean really) do not like working from home 100% of the time. There are just too many distractions, not to mention I really don't have a dedicated office space. I felt very ineffective working from home since I enjoy the daily contact with my colleagues and my students. It was quite a challenge being a financial aid administrator without being on campus.

I learned that I had missed quality time with my wife and kids. For almost three months, we did not miss sitting down for dinner together and talking about our day. It seemed as if we were relearning how to be a family again. Our busy lives, school, work, and graduate school had become prioritized over our time together. We sat at the dinner table each night and just talked; talked about our hopes and dreams; talked about how life may not ever be the same again; and we talked about how we were each coping with the restrictions of being in quarantine.

My wife is a healthcare provider, so staying home was not an option for her. This was the toughest of all for all of us. I didn't realize how worried each of us were for her, until it came to light during one of our dinner discussions. I didn't realize how paralyzed with fear my kids were for their mom. We prayed and we cried. Above all, we were together and we were safe.

What I didn't realize was the toll the pandemic was having on my emotional and mental well-being, not to mention that of my wife's and kids'. I thought I was coping because everything was "together." But trying to keep everything together was exhausting. I didn't want my kids to know how worried I was for their mother and I didn't want my wife to be put at risk everyday.

Eventually these fears and anxiety began to manifest as angry outbursts, short fuses, and miscommunication. This new normal was tough for everyone and at times we didn't do a good job of navigating our feelings or expressing our needs.

This is when I began to realize how important self-care is. Practicing self-care was difficult when I couldn't leave the house. I had been raised to believe that the husband/father ALWAYS takes care of things and NEVER lets anyone see him "sweat." I was navigating being a doctoral student, a father, a husband, and a college administrator without an outlet for my stress and anxiety. I found myself having mini panic attacks where I would almost lose my breath, my vision would go blurry for a second and I would feel like all the blood was rushing to my head. I would push through because I didn't want anyone to know what I was experiencing. I realize now how selfish that was of me. Those around me had to suffer the consequences of what I was going through.

A year into this pandemic, I have not perfected the art of self-care. I have learned it is okay to walk away, take a break, and gather myself. It's okay to say NO. It's okay to not be everything to everyone and I can share my vulnerability, concerns, fears, and concerns with those that love me most.

One of my coping mechanisms is that I enjoy getting up early before anyone else, making a French press pot of coffee and enjoy a few minutes with my two boxers, Baxter and Bailey. They are pretty good listeners, they never judge me, and always show me love. They never tell me I am inefficient or ineffective, they don't complain about the food I give them, and they love to spend time with me. We got each of them as puppies during the pandemic and they have been great companions for me.

If the day gets to be too much, I leave everything at work (phones included) get in my truck and just take a drive during my lunch hour. I turn the music up loud, roll the windows down, and sing to the top of my lungs until the stress starts to melt away. I'm not sure if other drivers on the road appreciate my behavior, but it does me good.

I love farm fresh eggs. I found a farm more than thirty minutes from my home and would take the drive through the country out to the farm to get my supply of eggs for the week. I took that time to pray and release the anxiety of the week so that when I returned home I could give my family my best for the weekend. Those drives have been so refreshing and invigorating for me.

As things have begun to reopen and we can cautiously venture outside of our home, my wife and I have made it a point to try to just get away together. Every quarter we have made a commitment to get away for a day or two. It isn't anything fancy like a weekend cruise to the Bahamas, but we get away and spend quality time together. We make a concentrated effort not to discuss work or the stressors that our jobs bring. We concentrate on just being together. This is also a proactive step to learn how to be a couple without kids one of them leaves for college this fall and the other won't be far behind.

Make sure you take care of you. If you don't take care of you, no one will get the best of you. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. Self-love and care are actually an investment in your family, your friends, and your career. Self-care doesn't have to be expensive (although a 90-minute massage is one of my favorite indulgences) or require a lot of time. It may be as simple as taking a walk, or calling a relative that you haven't talked to in awhile, or reading that book you've been wanting to read.

I am learning that to live my best life, I have to take care of me!