How self-care practices fall short

Twelve years ago I walked up to the yoga studio where I was teaching at the time and was shocked to find a very large banner hanging across the awning out front. I say shocked because the studio had never used an outdoor banner for anything, and because on the banner was a close up (and uncomfortably large) picture of my face with the words “I love myself.” 

Though my rational brain understood from the small print that this was an ad for a promotion about self-care the studio was running for the month of February, my nervous system was at full throttle and telling me that it would be best if I turned myself inside out and then melted into a pile of goo right there on the sidewalk. 

If there were going to be a banner with my face on it in my neighborhood and at my place of work, I would rather it have said something like “I have credit card debt” or “I like popping pimples.” Something that, though embarrassing, would at least show that I was just like everyone else. Human. 

But “I love me?” My middle class, waspy, suburban upbringing told me that a statement like that made me either a narcissist or a self-indulgent hippy princess who has read a lot of self-help books and done a lot of therapy. Either way, completely unacceptable to most people. 

The savvy reader will have surmised by now that me having a fight or flight response when seeing the words “I love myself” associated with me probably means that I did not love myself at this point in my life. If I had, I would have seen the banner and thought, “Damn straight! But what the hell is that doing up there without my permission to use my photograph in that way?” And I would have walked into the office had a conversation with the owner that showed that I had boundaries and self-respect and the ability to negotiate a situation that seemed fair. Instead, I walked into the building feeling immensely uncomfortable, as if I had peed in my pants and were trying to hide it. I did that for the entire four weeks that the banner hung outside.

I share this story because at that time in my life I did yoga and meditated every day. I ate cleanly. I occasionally treated myself to a massage. I had solid friends to reach out to when I needed some nurturing or straight talk. You know: self-care. I was a self-care pro.

But being a pro at self-care and loving yourself are two different things.

That’s not to say that self-care isn’t important or that it can’t be loving. It’s just to say that it’s not inherently so. It’s kind of like when a boyfriend buys you flowers. Sure, it feels good to get flowers, but how does it feel to be around your boyfriend day in and day out? Does he love you in the ways that make you feel loved? Is he kind and present and empathetic and honest? Do you feel seen by him? Does he show up when you need him? If not, him bringing you flowers occasionally should in no way translate to him loving you.

Same with self-care. Sure, it feels good to take the bath or take the nap or pass on the fries for the kale (or the kale for the fries when that’s the care that’s needed), but when considering whether there is self-love in your self-care, it matters more where the actions come from.

If you have an inner task-master, you'll see things like "book massage appt” or “lunch with bestie” as just two more things on the to-do list that drives your life. You’ll do the self-care item, but it will just get lost amongst the busy-ness of all the things.

If you have a strong inner critic, you might come at self-care with self-criticism, as in saying to yourself, “Seems like you’ve put on a few pounds recently, you should go to the gym so you aren’t so repulsive.” 

Or maybe you have an inner smarty pants—a part of you who likes to be right, in control and look good to others. If that’s the case you might come at self-care with an air of showing off. Perhaps there’s even a self congratulatory attitude about it: “Look at how great I am that I’m taking such good care of myself!” Even though you know deep down there’s no heart (and possibly some self loathing) in it.

The thing is, all of these approaches to self-care are about hoping that you can fix something about yourself more than meeting yourself where you're at. They’re about alteration or augmentation. Self-love, on the other hand, is about presence. It’s about acceptance. Not acceptance in the “you have to like what’s happening” way or the “you must be calm and happy and comfortable way” or (perhaps the most bullshitty of them all) the “everything happens for a reason” way. But acceptance in the “just be with yourself” way. That no matter what’s happening, you can actually feel your self being there, not as a witness, but as a felt presence to yourself. Like having your own back.

In this way, every action becomes one of self-care, regardless of whether it’s going to the spa or it’s going to get your car washed. It’s self-care because there is inherently care in it, and there is inherently care in it because you are actively there participating with yourself with care and curiosity.

Again, savvy reader, I here you saying, “Yeah, I know that.” Because that’s the thing. Almost all of my clients when they first come to me intellectually understand this. Hell, I intellectually understood it the day I saw the self-love banner that nearly gave me a panic attack. But doing it, actually loving yourself, is an entirely different thing.

Here’s what I know about how to actually love yourself:

1. Get curious about the different parts of you that tend to run the show. Who are they? What are the types of things they say to you? What do they feel like in your body when they're the one in charge?

2. Realize that those parts are not you. They are simply parts of you who developed with one underlying job in mind: to steer you away from any form of discomfort you may come across.

3. Use a body-based mindfulness practice (either on your own or with a somatic coach) to help you develop a felt relationship with your present, true, resourced self who knows how to work effectively with discomfort.

It’s in this way that you become someone who is trustworthy and present and loving to yourself. Someone who, in their own way, becomes a walking banner of what healthy self love looks like.

I'm offering an online course beginning March 1st called Have Your Own Back. It's about how to overcome the obstacles to showing up for yourself in a felt way. You can check out more information and register here.