Self-care is More than a Spa Day - It's a Choice

No spa day could have fixed my level of burn out. Not even a week-long yoga retreat to Bryce Canyon. I learned the hard way, with a trip to the emergency room thinking I was having a heart attack, that I needed to take better care of myself.?

I learned that it comes down to boundary setting and priority setting - choosing your health and well-being above all else, not the exclusion of all else, just above all else. It's like the flight attendants tell you - put your oxygen mask on first before attending to others.?

I made attempts at what I thought was self-care – yoga classes, exercise, journaling. While those things are part of self-care for me, I discovered boundary setting – what I will tolerate and won’t tolerate – was much more fundamental to my well-being and mental health status.

My self-care journey truly started with my divorce; At the time, I was isolated from my family and friends, put down on a daily basis, unappreciated, among other things, and had been giving until I was exhausted and unrecoverably burned out. I learned to tolerate everything, I became a fixer, and smoothed things over. I loved my husband, but I couldn’t maintain any sense of self being married to him. I moved out after 20 years of marriage, having actively tried the last 10 years to “make things work.” [Note, I am NOT advocating this solution for anyone else, it took me a long time to come to the conclusion that for me, it was the answer.]

Self-care is MORE than a bunch of platitudes:

• Take time to make your soul happy
• Give yourself grace, no one is perfect
• Do things that make you feel more like yourself
• Saying no can be a form of self-care
• If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete
• Everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you
• An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly
• Self-care isn't selfish, it's essential

While there is a grain of truth to each of these, self-care boils down to being intentional – “What do I want in my life? What can I let go of?” I made more than a few positive changes over the last 20 years on my self- care journey and while some changes are immediate, it has definitely been a journey, not a series of instant gratification moments.?

The biggest change I made was being intentional about my life. How do I want to spend my time? How do I like to spend my time???At the time, my boys were 12, 14, and 15 and I knew I wanted to be able to spend time with them before they went off to college. I took on work and volunteer activities that would allow me to spend as much time as possible with them and attend their sporting events as team photographer. I sat down and wrote out an actual plan and mind map of what I wanted in my life with the goal of having a life I don’t need a vacation from. What did that look like? What changes did I make?

Energizing or Exhausting - People and Activities

I maximized time with family and positive friends who left me energized, and I minimized time with negative friends or family who sucked the energy right out of me. I eliminated negative people from my life (well, to be frank, this part is definitely a work in progress). I did the same with other activities and volunteering. What does this look like? For me, specifically, I did the following things:

• Set Priorities?- I learned that NO is a complete sentence. I was so busy doing all of these volunteer and work activities, I didn't have time to do anything for myself until I reached empty. I learned that no is a complete sentence, and I didn’t have to follow the word ‘no’ with an excuse or explanation.?
• Fulfilling Activities?- I took a job with an hour-long commute to San Francisco which provided the perfect opportunity to say no to everything except the things that I truly wanted to do – the School Board and the Chickens’ Ball Steering Committee. Everything else I exited and wound down or said no to. I said yes to those projects, activities or events that were energizing, fulfilling or where I was appreciated. This delineation made it very easy to provide a clear yes or clear no when asked.
• Aligned Activities?– when I made writing my first book a priority, I said no to everything that was not aligned with me writing and publishing that book. It a requested event or activity was not aligned with that goal, I said no. Again, a clear delineation.
• Physical Activity?– Exercise is one of those things I choose to do because it energizes me. No matter how tired I wake up, I always feel better after exercising.??I make it a habit to go running or walking every day. I’m not a fan of running so much as the result of running. I listen to books or podcasts to stay engaged. The time spent exercising also gives me the opportunity to clear my head and work out things that may be bothering me. I also discovered that I really love group activities like boot camp or yoga classes, so I try to work those in when possible. I like the comradery, collective effort, and cheerleading that happens in group classes.?

This was the first step I took in becoming intentional about my life - time with kids, clear priorities. Now, I find when things get out of whack, I have lost sight of these priorities and started saying yes to things that sounded interesting but weren’t aligned with my goals and intentions.?

Time is of the Essence

• I’ve had several close friends and family members die recently and no one really knows how long we have to live. I live my life to the fullest – on full tilt, all out, everything left on the field. Somewhere along the line I discovered that I didn’t have to keep to a time structure set by someone else’s definition – 9-5, weekdays or weekends. I started to view time differently.
• Fluid with Time?– I may work on Saturday or Sunday mornings when the house is deadly quiet (apparently, I'm the only morning person living in my house) or work more after dinner. This has allowed me to be there for my boys, watch their sports, pick them up, etc. I only traveled or dated on the weeks I didn’t have them so that I could devote as much time to them as possible when they were at my house.
• Quiet Time?– I try to take a little bit of time each day for quiet, restorative time. I use this time for writing, meditation, or thinking time.??
• Stop “Keeping Score”?– I keep a journal for each kid – funny stuff they said, aggravating stuff they did. I used to beat myself up if I didn't write in their journals every Sunday/once a week.??In reading these journals, they are full of precious refelctions and stories. It doesn't matter whether I wrote one story or a thousand stories - every day or every Sunday or at some random time frame.??What matters is that I captured some stories and that's what counts. No one is keeping score of how many times you write in your journal (I’m still working on this one). Now I write when I feel like it and don’t worry about it.
• Integrated Travel?– When I travel, I stay with friends and family (and I host too). What started as a self-preservation move when I got divorced turned into a self-care strategy of immense proportions. I hardly ever stay in a hotel anymore. I enjoy time together with friends or family even when the trip is for work. I also try to include an activity I want to do or something I want to explore at the beginning or end of my trip. This integration of work and personal travel helps me stay grounded and in touch.

My Daily Life

How I live on a day-to-day basis has changed, for the better. I follow my own advice and set myself up for success where possible.?

• Clean Kitchen?– I used to get frustrated when I would come out in the morning and find a disaster area in the kitchen (especially with three teens who think the word ‘bedtime’ means – ‘look in the fridge and see what there is to eat’ time). One of the best self-care strategies I came up with was keeping a clean kitchen. I hate doing the dishes and had to find a way to make that task more palatable. I bought dishwashing gloves and I put on loud music. I try to go to bed with a clean kitchen every night so that I can wake up to a beautiful, clean counter every morning.
• Meal Planning?– With three teens in three sports each, meal planning was a life saver. It saved us from falling into the to ‘what's for dinner’ trap every night. We still do this.
• Short Breaks?– When I need a break from what I am doing, I try to do something I love. I put a list together - pet my cats, knit a few rows, journal a page, read a chapter, phone a friend, practice the trombone, sew a few squares together for a quilt. I set up a few projects so that I can pick up where I left off easily without thinking.?
• Play Date?– I try to take a day to play at least once a month, usually with my mom or friends. One of my most recent play dates was visiting the tulip farms in Northern Washington. Next up is the Van Gogh exhibit or wine tasting.
• 4-Day Work Week?– When I started consulting, I made it a point to not work on Fridays so I could be at Friday Night Lights for my boys. I would schedule other activities to not get sucked into the ‘email reading/not really productive’ vortex. I planned activities like lunch with girlfriends, going to estate sales or museums, playing a round of golf, or running errands so I don't have to do them on the weekends.
• Share the Love?– I tell people how I feel about them. I never hesitate to tell someone that I love them or what they mean to me. Sprinkle the love around, why be stingy with it?

These daily practices have helped me stay on track energy and motivation-wise. I don’t get depleted any longer. If I find myself with a lack of motivation, I try to see if one of these is off-track and make a quick correction.

Mindset Shift

I think the most effective self-care strategy I put in place was a mindset shift from the negative talk track in my head to a more positive one. This one has been the hardest change for me and is a work in progress.

• Your Own Best Friend?– I became my own best friend. I changed the negative voice in my head to something more positive and encouraging. I mostly did this when I was running each morning. Identify the voice and then change it deliberately.
• No More People Pleasing?– I stopped being a people pleaser. If this is an issue for you still, refer back to the ‘NO is a complete sentence’ part. It definitely takes practice for this to feel comfortable.
• Be Present?– I am learning to be present. This is still a major work in progress for me as I don’t sit still well. My husband is definitely helping me with this one.?I wish I could have been better at being present when my kids were smaller instead of worrying about work so much and that long ‘to do’ list. Whatever, I am now.
• Stop Comparisonitis?– Stop comparing yourself to others. If you find yourself doing this - take a look at what you are coveting or wishing. You are outside looking in. The view is never the same as from the inside. Trust me.?
• Be Inclusive?– When I got divorced, people took sides and stopped inviting me to dinner or parties. I decided the best way to be inclusive was to make/host my own events instead of waiting to be invited or included. I reached out, made a call, extended an invitation. This has led to close relationships and a lovely network of kick-ass women. And a lot of wine-tasting…
• Practice Gratitude?– I tried keeping a gratitude journal in 2009. I made it to page 3. Ha! I had to find a different way to work for me. I now practice gratitude when I open my eyes in the morning or close my eyes at night. I say three things I am grateful for. The gratitude journal didn't work for me because it felt more like a chore. The other one that worked really well for me was a gratitude jar. I kept a big mason jar on my kitchen windowsill with a pen and pad of stickies in it. I would write on the sticky note a sentence or two of gratitude each week, usually on Friday nights when I returned form football. At the end of the year, I reviewed the notes and wrote them in a journal and it was rewarding and heartening to take a look back over the year.

These are the ideas and activities that have worked for me. I hope you find something useful in here for your self-care journey.

Join me today for a free panel discussion on self-care strategies with wellness experts??- May 26th?4:00-5:30 pm PDT. RSVP here for the Zoom link (now the recording).