Self-actualization and Other Things You Miss Out On When You Are Unwilling to Change

My dad called while I was watching Family Ties. The nerve. I didn't really want to talk right then because Alex was about to say something funny (and probably demeaning) to Mallory. But I took the phone from my mom and mumbled hello.

Something was different. He was somber. Serious. Solemn. Had I been more mature and further down the path of self-actualization I might have turned the TV off or gone upstairs to take the call in my room. But I wasn't and I didn't.

So when he started crying and telling me that his partner John had just died of AIDS, I half-listened, muttered trite condolences, got off the phone as quickly as was reasonably possible, and watched the rest of Family Ties, more or less unmoved.

Perhaps it's cruel to criticize my 15-year-old self too harshly, but what a prick I was. On the other hand, to be fair, it wasn't all my fault. I mean look at all the externalities I had against me––no support system, 1988, president Reagan, suburbia, my peers' love affair with gay jokes, rampant publicly-sanctioned homophobia. And, I had only known for less than a year that my dad was gay (because that's when he told me). To say that the stigma around having a gay dad was massive would be quite an understatement.

But if my relative youth and the oppressive compassionless societal perspective conspired against me then, what did I have to say for myself later? Later when I was more mature, when I had more experience, when I was allegedly more intelligent, when the times had a-changed, when I really should have known better?

To be totally candid, there wasn't much I could say to defend myself as I made my way through my late teens and half way through my twenties. What could I possibly say about the misogynistic, racist, homophobic (still?), self-absorbed, insensitive, jock-y, patriarchal, status-quo-upholding bubble that I had constructed around me and defended to the hilt? I mean, really. Were there really any excuses I could continue to use? The answer was and is no.

It was time to grow up. It was time to take accountability for my actions. It was time to be responsible. It was time to listen to people. It was time to educate myself. It was time to expand my understanding of the world. It was time to grow and develop and change and progress and, yes, all the other synonyms in the thesaurus. They all apply. These were desperate times. No longer could I be that guy. I no longer was that guy.

So I changed. Consciously. Intentionally. Urgently. I stopped doing and saying and thinking the things that I used to do and say and think. It didn't happen overnight. But it was definitely happening. I was definitely evolving my consciousness. I was definitely transforming my understanding of how I showed up in the world. You know how leadership coaches always talk about realizing your potential? I was realizing my potential. I was becoming the best version of myself. I was self-actualizing.

The cool thing is that while my journey is unique to me, it's a journey that I've seen thousands of other people travel as well. People who realize that they're even on a journey, and who have the wherewithal to influence the direction of of their journey, and not just steer their mode of transport directly into a squishy pile of mud. The specific circumstances and ignorances and idiocies might be different, but in the end, the structure of the journey is kind of the same: We used to be like that. Then we realized that being like that was not good. We started to change so we wouldn't be like that anymore. And now we're not like that anymore. We're better people. Not better than other people. Just better than our previous self.

But the uncool thing is that there are still far too many people who have not gone on the journey. Who have not sought to expand and develop and change. Who have not self-actualized. Not even close, man. It's pretty sad, actually. And selfish. And hurtful. And limiting. And misguided. And senseless. And mindless. And directionless. There's a great drawing of two people where one person says to another person, "You've changed," and the second person says, "I'd hope so." Exactly. You can find it all over the internet.

I think about this stuff a lot. Like every time I interact with another human being. I observe. I sense. I look for connection. I wonder. I reflect. I seek. I try not to judge, and usually I don't. And through all these years of evolving and transforming and changing myself, and observing and wondering and reflecting about if and how other people have evolved and transformed and changed themselves, I have come to understand that there are four key traits that people who are well on the path to self-actualization share: anti-fragility, curiosity, empathy, and vulnerability.

These are all separate traits, and they're all connected. They all play off each other. They all intertwine and mingle and twirl and wrap around each other like bougainvillea on one of those arched lattices at a fancy hotel. Do you have these traits? A little bit? A lotta bit? All the time?

Anti-fragility. When you are presented with new information, especially information that you perceive to be threatening to your sense of identity or established view of how the world works, do you get defensive, or scared, or combative? Do you feel guilty or embarrassed? And if you do feel any of these things, to what degree do they prevent you from staying present, engaging in dialogue, and listening to what someone has to say? Can you handle ambiguity and uncertainty? Can be okay with not knowing, not being right? Or do you break into a thousand pieces at the first exposure to the unknown?

Curiosity. Do you see new and unfamiliar circumstances as the perfect time to freak the fuck out and get away to safe territory as fast as you can? Or do you approach new opportunities with a growth mindset, wonderment, and the exciting possibility of expanding your understanding of the world? When you feel threatened, do you feel the immediate need to defend yourself and your ideals, or are you okay with asking questions to STFU (seek to fully understand) the nuances of another perspective?

Empathy. Can you put yourself in another person's situation and totally believe them when they tell you something that you have no experience with? Can you suspend doubt and be brave enough to validate another person's lived experience as true? Can you be there for people when they need your unwavering support? Can you listen? Can you make it not it about you? Can you understand even when you can't understand?

Vulnerability. Do you feel comfortable revealing personal things about yourself? Or how about standing up for an unpopular position or stating an unconventional opinion? Or would you rather exist in a world of niceties, cliches, boilerplates, and tag lines? Would you rather go deep quick or stay shallow indefinitely? Are you the type to engage in small talk to the point where the small talk becomes the whole talk? Or do you delve into stuff? Do you have the confidence and courage to let people see who you really are, and not just an empty facade of what you think people are supposed to see?

When my dad called and told me John dad of AIDS, I was too fragile to handle the news. I wasn't curious about what had happened. I had no empathy for my dad, for John, or for the LGBTQ community. And I sure as hell wasn't about to get vulnerable with my gay dad on the phone in front of Alex P. Keaton.

But that was then, and this is now. I guess you could say I've changed. At least I sure hope I have.