On Seeking & Receiving Coaching

We all need coaching at some point in our lives and careers. Whether it is playing sports as a child, being a student or working in any field, coaching is something that is an extremely valuable part of the life experience. Odd then, that while we all accept coaches in sports, we often resist coaching in our workplaces and perhaps even more so in our lives outside of career.

When you take on a new job, most people recognize that they need direction and instruction from supervisors, and perhaps even coaching in skills and knowledge they don't have. However, as each of us progresses in a job or career path, we often fail to recognize that we may need even more coaching in the areas that we may see as peripheral to the "job" we are asked to do. As an engineer, this often falls into the realm of soft skills, communication, leadership, negotiation, and dealing with difficult people and difficult conversations.

Many people also see coaching as something that applies to a specific need or topic – and it can! – but it can also be a more overarching concept that applies to multiple aspects of both your professional and personal life.

You might think I'm writing this from the position of having coached many people (which I have, albeit perhaps not as well as I could have). The reality is that I am writing this with a new viewpoint. While I have been working in the industry for almost 30 years, I believe that for many reasons I was not learning a lot of things I could have learned and applied that would have made me better in my job, and better in my personal life. Why was that?

Because I thought I knew what I was doing; that being really good at engineering and having a very good grasp of project execution, economics, and all the hard things associated with industrial capital projects was all I needed to be the best I could be.

A consequence of this viewpoint was that even why I was selected for "leadership training", or courses on "coaching others", part of me thought it was a waste of time. I felt like I already knew what I needed to know. And while I did get some knowledge and learning from these kinds of courses, and even the coaches associated with them - I missed far more because I denied I needed to grow, or change how I approached things. Even the coaching I got directly from supervisors and mentors often was only partially adsorbed and understood because I tended to discount or ignore the things I didn't want to hear (especially criticism of my methods or behaviour). I now understand that it was because I was not open to being coached that I failed to learn all I could.

The timing of receiving coaching can be as important as the coaching itself. If you are not ready to accept coaching on a subject, you won't be able to benefit from it. If the coaching is not about something you are doing in parallel, it similarly will not be effective. Being coached on something after the fact, or well in advance of needing it doesn't have the same use as being coached right before or while you need it!

This year, I had some revelations about my life and my career, that came about after many months and years of uncertainty and anxiety. Through the support of an amazing friend, Sarita Parks , who happens to be a professional coach, I tried an exercise in identifying my core values — the "who am I and what's important to me" kind of thing. I would never have done this kind of thing on my own, and if it happened in a training course I was assigned to I would not have put in the effort and therefore really understand it. It changed my perception of myself by reminding me that me today is not the me of 1990 or 1995 or 2000.

It also made me realize that if I was going to leave the same kind of legacy as my mentors did with me, I was going to need to change what I was doing, and embrace getting better at a lot of soft skills I had often looked down my nose at, like communication, mentoring, teaching, and listening, while at the same time trying to reduce how much time I did the things I had been doing so well to get to there I am, like doing the hard engineering of running simulators, calculating everything and doing my own drawings.

What had happened is that I had fixed my path in life, decades ago, and never revisited the plan or the big goals, and then proceeded to behave in a way that was coherent with those values and associated goals. Unfortunately, if you don't re-evaluate, how do you know if you have achieved the goals? Another aspect of the core values exercise was identifying aspirational values - things I want to be important but I wasn't acting on. That aspect made it easier to focus on those things that will lead me where I want to be.

Somewhat like someone suffering with addiction, I had to get to a dark and unpleasant "bottom" of my emotional and psychological state to realize I needed help. I was lucky to find a lot of support and supportive people. More importantly, I allowed myself to be open to learning, and to being coached. Instead of being defensive about constructive criticism, I began asking for it, and recognizing that I didn't know everything I need to know, especially as I go through some transitions in the months and years ahead.

This new approach to how I perceived feedback actually came mainly in the form of reignited curiosity. Asking and genuinely wanting to now how and why others thought differently. It also impacted the way I gave feedback, now finding it easier to ask the thoughtful and insightful questions. Instead of taking pleasure in "being right" I now truly enjoy seeing the light bulb go on for my team members as they experience the joy of discovery.

I've come up with a few simply rules about finding a coach and opening yourself to accepting coaching:

1. Recognize that you aren't always the smartest person in the room, or the most emotionally connected, or psychologically healthy. Recognize that you may have some bad habits that prevent you from being even better at what you do.
2. Be open to criticism, don't be defensive, and be willing to try something different. But be careful that you are accepting criticism from those people who have your best interests at heart. Taking criticism from those who have other motives is counterproductive.
3. Find a coach you can trust who won’t steer you wrong. How, you might ask? Interview them like you are interviewing a job application (because you are hiring them to help you!) Most coaches will offer a free virtual coffee or discovery session. Try a coach out before you commit to some grand program they offer. If you are willing to be open and put in the effort to work on new habits, stop bad habits and understand yourself better, you should start to see some small results fairly quickly. It shouldn't take weeks of coaching to see improvement. You should be gaining concrete strategies, tactics and actions to take after just 1-2 coaching sessions (at least 1 new practice, activity or strategy per session). Coaching doesn't need to cost thousands of dollars to see some benefit.
4. Find a coach who is compassionate and understanding, but also willing to challenge you and call you out when you slide back into old habits, or are resisting where perhaps you shouldn't..
5. Be willing to change coaches. If a coach isn't providing you with even a little bit of benefit and improvement you and others can see relatively quickly, perhaps you aren't connecting with them. Maybe it's them, maybe it's you. But either way, if you aren't feeling like your life is being transformed for the better, perhaps the dynamic just isn't right for you.
6. Be honest and authentic with yourself. If you can't do this, it is very difficult to gain a lot from coaching. In order for your coach to truly help you, they need to understand you. They aren't your therapist, but they need to know who you are, what makes you tick, where you came from to help you with figuring our where you are going and how to get there. You may find you also need a therapist to deal with the past issues and getting over them while your coach helps you look to the future.
7. Be willing to do surveys and evaluations and answer questions about yourself. Benefiting from coaching means looking inside yourself, and that can be uncomfortable for many of us. But the benefits far outweigh any downside.
8. Don't expect to learn something profoundly "new". You should instead expect to hear things you have heard before, but now realize they are valuable and important. You should expect to shift your perspective – be flexible. Be a detective poking around in the mysteries of your own mind and soul. A curious mindset will make the experience of being coached transformational.

I'm sure I could come up with more tidbits. If you have anything you think should be added, or have a different perspective, please leave a comment.