Seeking Approval

Do you seek approval from others?

I sure did.

And the three lessons I learned from this.

I had no idea that seeking others’ acceptance was so strong within me until the day I had to do something my peers disapproved of.

Just like anyone else, all my issues go back to my parents.

So do all my successes.

What I soon realized as a father was that, more likely than not, I was going to traumatize my kids, one way or the other.

Too much attention, not enough attention, you name it.

Accepting I was going to mess it up was so liberating!

Back to my parents, I sure got traumatized by them.

Don’t get me wrong, they are great people, but they did traumatize me, as any parent will.

I always got excellent grades but didn’t get much attention from them.

“You’re smart” and “you don’t need to make an effort” my grades were never valued.

But…

I was a kid; guess what? I NEEDED attention; after all, I was the eldest of four.

Since I didn’t get by good grades and behavior, I labeled myself as irreverent (never sacrificing school as I needed it for my dream).

I sure became a troublemaker, with good grades, however.

Some things were stupid, like getting myself full of mud to sit on the director’s leather couch.

Or doing push-ups while drinking puddled water.

Others were ingenious, like faking our school access card to get out when I wasn’t allowed to leave.

When I overheard my father’s “Wow, this was well done”?to my mother, I got proud despite getting caught, but that’s another story.

I was the guy with excellent grades who did all sorts of shenanigans to get my parent’s attention. I’ll get to some of those in the future.

But the problem is when you grow up, your patterns remain, but you’re not calling your parents attention anymore,

What did I do as a mature adult?

I worked hard and became very competent at everything I did.

The problem?

I didn’t always get the attention I thought I deserved or needed.

What did I do?

I fell back to my patterns of misbehavior as a form of getting attention.

But I wasn’t a kid anymore, and those people sure didn’t love me as my parents did.

Initially, I started to conform to the group, but my God-given conscience became a problem. I knew better.

Therefore I started conflicts.

I can tell you that becoming a victim or a martyr is not how you get accepted by anyone, especially when it’s on you.

I ended up making my life impossible, so I had to leave.

In the worst terms possible.

Before I reached this point, I had already asked to leave the F16.

Why?

That's a story for another day...

Why didn’t I leave?

Because I let myself be bribed by an ego massage and did not adequately communicate precisely what I wanted.

I was told that I was irreplaceable, and it felt good.

Was I? To an extent, yes, but not really.

The proof is that the train didn’t stop when I eventually left, 18 months after this conversation.

But I told you there were three lessons:

1. Be yourself.

Don’t compromise who you are for acceptance. It won’t work in the long run.

2. Stay where you are.

Don’t leave a place until you get expelled; until then, remain yourself.?

Communicate openly and precisely your needs and expectations.

How do you know you’re being expelled? We’ll get there, not today.

3. Be mindful of your ego.

Don’t do or stop doing anything for a pat on the back.

Always act by your values and conscience.

Yes, we all have one.

We are not islands, but seeking acceptance is overrated.

By being yourself, you will either be accepted eventually for your true self or be expelled as many times as necessary until you find your Tribe.

Do you feel this?

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