Seeking Acceptance as A Leader (Part 1: In A Third Chair Perspective Series)

Years ago, I returned to a company I had worked for as an individual contributor.?Coming back, I was hired to manage those I had previously been a peer of and during our first team meeting I noticed everyone stared down at the table.?

No one looked me directly in the eye.?

There was not necessarily tension in the room but there certainly wasn’t any excitement.

I asked the question “What’s up??I feel like something is going unsaid.”

A moment later a brave individual said in a paused quiet voice… “We all recommended the other candidate to be our new manager, but they hired you instead.”

While I appreciated their courage and honesty, this answer was a gut punch.?I proceeded to ask why, and they made it clear they thought the other person would have been a better champion for the team.?I remember thinking at that moment how much their approval meant to me as their leader.?

But how far do you go to seek the approval of those who work for you?

This is the first in a three-part series of articles looking at the question of whether you are a “Seeking Acceptance” leader or a “Commanding Authority” leader.?The final “Third Chair Perspective” will be revealed after the first two are published.

For those of you who may have missed my article on The Third Chair Perspective, take a quick read here: https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/what-type-leader-you-mastering-third-chair-todd-fonseca ?

Seeking Acceptance: The Temptation of External Validation in Leadership

As human beings, the need for acceptance is deeply ingrained within us. From our earliest interactions, we seek acknowledgment and approval from our caregivers, peers, and society. This innate desire for acceptance follows us into our professional lives, often influencing our leadership approach and decisions. The Seeking Acceptance perspective in leadership involves the tendency to prioritize external validation, leading to challenges that can hinder effective leadership.

The Urge for Recognition: Why Are We Wired for Seeking Acceptance?

Seeking acceptance is rooted in our evolutionary history. In ancient times, being accepted by our tribe or community meant survival and protection. Those who were shunned or ostracized faced significant threats to their well-being. As a result, seeking acceptance became a fundamental aspect of human behavior, helping us belong to social groups and ensuring our safety.

In modern work environments, leaders may still experience the primal urge for acceptance. The validation we receive from our team, colleagues, and superiors reinforces our sense of belonging, competence, and value. The Seeking Acceptance perspective, however, can present challenges that impede a leader's effectiveness.

Pitfalls of Seeking Acceptance in Leadership:

1. Decision Paralysis and Consensus-Driven Leadership: Example scenario: Alex, a team leader, often struggled with decision-making due to his fear of upsetting team members. Whenever faced with critical choices, he sought consensus among the team, avoiding assertiveness and risking indecisiveness. This approach caused delays and confusion within the team, as decisions lacked clear direction.

• Seeking acceptance can lead leaders to prioritize maintaining harmony over making the tough choices necessary for progress. This approach hampers a leader's ability to steer the team towards success and stifles innovation.

2. Approval-Seeking Behavior and Lack of Authenticity: Example 2: Mike, a department head, projected an image of confidence and authority to gain approval from his superiors. However, his assertiveness often bordered on arrogance, dismissing input from team members. This behavior hindered open communication and stifled team creativity.

• Leaders who prioritize acceptance may be tempted to adopt a fa?ade to meet expectations. The lack of authenticity can erode trust among team members, who may perceive their leader as disingenuous and unapproachable.

3. Overwhelming Emphasis on Popularity Metrics: In today's digital age, leaders may find themselves seeking acceptance through social media and performance metrics. However, chasing popularity can lead to decisions driven by short-term gains rather than long-term sustainability and growth.

• Leaders who focus excessively on popularity metrics may neglect vital aspects of their roles, such as cultivating team development or fostering a supportive work culture.

Navigating the Seeking Acceptance Perspective:

Even though I’m going to challenge you in this series to think beyond polarized thinking and into the Third Chair Perspective, here are some thoughts on combatting the ‘seeking approval’ end of the spectrum.

Acknowledging the desire for acceptance is the first step towards effective leadership. Rather than letting it dictate our actions, leaders must learn to strike a balance between validation and making sound decisions. Here's how to navigate the Seeking Acceptance perspective:

1. Self-Reflection and Emotional Awareness: Engage in introspection to identify moments when the desire for acceptance influences your leadership decisions. Develop emotional intelligence to recognize and manage these impulses, making conscious choices aligned with your authentic values.
2. Purpose-Driven Leadership: Focus on the purpose and mission of your leadership role. Clarify the vision for your team and organization, ensuring that decisions are driven by the pursuit of common goals rather than seeking approval.
3. Constructive Feedback and Encouraging Diverse Perspectives: Encourage open communication and create a safe space for constructive feedback from team members. Actively seek input from diverse perspectives, fostering an inclusive environment that values different viewpoints.

Conclusion:

The Seeking Acceptance perspective in leadership is a natural aspect of the human condition, but it can present challenges if not navigated mindfully. Leaders must be aware of the pitfalls of prioritizing external validation and strive to strike a balance between seeking acceptance and making authentic, purpose-driven decisions. By embracing self-awareness and fostering open communication, leaders can harness the power of acceptance to build strong, engaged, and cohesive teams that thrive in the pursuit of shared goals.

Next up will be part 2 – the other end of the spectrum – “Commanding Authority ”.

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