Seek First to Understand. Full Stop.
Erin O'Malley
Communication Expert | Professional Speaker, Trainer, Facilitator | Teaching client service-focused leaders and teams how to communicate with impact | Jersey Girl
Freshman year in college I signed up for a 1-credit elective. The subject: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I vaguely remember cutting out journal entries and scotch-taping them to printer paper for our end-of-semester project. My taped entries were my reflections of how I had or hadn’t been living like a highly effective person.?
26 years later, the habit that occupies most of my journal space and teaching space is Habit #5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.?
If I had the chance to re-write that habit, it would look something like this: Seek First to Understand, and Then to be Understood. Period.?
Here’s why.
Human nature dictates that WE want to be heard and understood.?
Imagine if you’ve had a tough moment with a friend and you are looking to have a conversation. As you mull over thoughts in your mind to prepare for the convo, you think, “OK. Yeah, I’ll ask them their side of the story.” Cool. Good start. But…
THEN you think, “And after I get their side, I’m going to make sure she understands my side.” In your head, you build your case. You come up with potential rebuttals to their arguments. You tap into how they made you feel, so you can explain. You rehash every detail, so you can be specific when you are trying to be understood.?
Just me?
With that, all of your energy goes to the “then to be understood” part. While you enter the conversation “seeking to understand,” you are listening through the filter of your experience. You are listening through those emotions you just stirred up in yourself. You are trying to understand–while not trying to forget the specific details you’ve outlined to share when it’s your turn.?
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With all of that prep and all of that happening, it becomes downright DIFFICULT to seek first to understand.?
What to do instead?
Get curious. Be madly aware their words struggle to penetrate the filter of our experience, narratives, evidence, and emotions.
Stay curious by asking questions like:
When we stay curious we can go beyond seeking and truly understand a person. We can acknowledge their experience. We can wonder what it was like for them. We can imagine what it feels like to be them.?
When we do that, they feel heard and understood. THEN it’s your turn. Chances are, you can put down some of your defense and points of argument when you build off of this intention of connection.?
Your assignment (kicking it back to your college days) is to ditch (for now) the second half of the habit and focus your energy on the first.
I coach entrepreneurs and parents - facilitate problem solving. You matter, we will achieve your goals. We will overcome the struggles & challenges. Get a life of Confidence, Courage and Compassion! How does this feel?
2 年Its a really good habit :)
Team Builder | Change Catalyst | Speaker | Facilitator | Game Enthusiast | Humanist | Tap Dancer
2 年Wow, I love this. We are so on the same wavelength! Thank you for sharing.
Consultant, Speaker, Amazon Best Selling Author
2 年2 philosophies dramatically impacted me, and Habit 3 was one of them. Put First Things First. To this day I still try to tackle the important things early in the day. It's actually how I wrote 4 books - I made a habit of putting 300 words down every morning before I got "too busy". The other was the 80/20 principle - spending more time in the 20%.