“Seek first to understand before being understood”: The art and science of listening in the age of empathetic leadership

“Seek first to understand before being understood.” This one simple sentence, as said by J. Richard Clarke, summarises what Stephen Covey proposed was “the single most important principle” in “effective interpersonal communication.”

A recent Forbes article explained why empathy is the most important leadership skill of 2022. From potentially doubling workplace engagement, to being a key driver of innovation, retention and resilience, the benefits to an organisation are extensive. One study by Businessolver even indicated that 60% of employees would take a salary cut to work for an empathetic employer.

As with so many facets of the workplace, creating an empathetic culture starts with leadership, and that starts in the boardroom. In this month’s boardroom series article, we are exploring the skill of listening.

Even if you think you know everything there is to know about ‘active listening’, most of us find that when the pressure is on, or we are tired, or angry, our listening skills desert us. It is a practice, an on-going practice, and I therefore urge you to read on to refresh your memory and maybe even pick up some new listening tips for 2022.

Are you really listening?

The next time you are listening to someone, I invite you to take notice of how often you are thinking of what you want to say next or how their story relates to you, rather than listening attentively to their story and this means to them.?

In our Sustainable Leadership and our Mental Health for Managers courses, we use role plays with actors so that participants can explore their own listening, or not-listening, habits. From these sessions, participants report that at least 80-90% of the time they are thinking about what they want to say next, or about how a story relates to them.?

The way our brains make sense of the world around us is to relate information that we received to our own prior experience or knowledge. In most cases, this helps us to understand things and make decisions. However, when it comes to listening, this is not always helpful. When we are thinking about our own story, it is no longer possible for us to be fully attentive to what the other person is saying. We often miss the details of what the other person is saying and our brain starts to fill in the gaps of their story, based on our own experience or ‘frame of reference’. ‘Frame of reference’ is a term coined by Aaron and Jacqui Schiff to explain the unique lens through which each person views the world. Everyone’s frame is different, based on their own genetic make-up, experience, values, and goals. When we are listening , if we are not attentive, we start to assume we understand what they feel, think or want, based on our own feelings, thoughts, goals or values. This inhibits true connection, shared understanding, and often leads to miscommunication or conflict. The listener often then offers advice, solutions or help, based on their own frame of reference, and quickly the speaker feels misunderstood, judged, not heard, dismissed, or devalued. No wonder executive coach, William Pennington, describes listening as a “non-negotiable key to success”.

So, how do we listen better? Here are three top tips:

1. Take yourself out of the picture?

Just for today, when you are listening to someone speak, take notice of how quickly you start to think about what you want to say next and how often this happens. Try this in workplace settings, as well as in your personal life, when chatting to friends and family. In those moments, try to draw your attention back to what they are saying, how they are describing their ‘frame of reference’ – how is this impacting them, why is this important to them and what they are looking for from this conversation.

At the end of your day of conscious listening, take a moment to reflect on the day, being curious about when it is most common. Do you fall into patterns of non-listening more with certain people, in specific settings, or is it related to your own mood or energy levels? What can you learn from this? How might this be helping or hindering certain relationships?

2. Check your reference points

Repeating back what we have understood someone to have said is a simple habit to prevent us from adding our own ‘filter’ when listening to others. It also an important skill to develop because it gives the speaker reassurance that they have been heard, understood and that their views are being acknowledged. This can help to reduce negative stress if the speaker is experiencing any; it makes them more likely to share further information as well as being likely to make them feel valued and supported which promotes creative thinking. The speaker is then more prone to finding their own solutions to challenges, and results in them being more open to accepting new ideas from others.?

Two simple ways to do this are (1) to repeat back the exact phrase that the person has used, or (2) to paraphrase or summarise what you have understood, and ask, “is that right?” or “have I understood?”. You can also build on this by asking them to expand on the meaning of specific words, phrases or metaphors which they have used. For example, if someone were to talk about “needing to get things on the straight and narrow”, you could say, “the straight and narrow? Can you tell me more about that?” or “what does that mean for you?”?

3. Get comfortable with silence

We all know that time is one of our most valuable individual commodities because it is a finite resource and once spent, we can never get it back. When you invest time in holding space for someone to think, in silence, without rushing them or pushing them to find a solution, you send a strong message that they are worth your time, they matter, and you want to understand them. This is another powerful tool to cultivate psychological safety and you will often illicit more insight by sitting in silence while someone processes and articulates their thoughts than you would by asking questions. It also helps to build trust within the relationship and can lead to greater team engagement, commitment, and loyalty . Silence can be awkward, and it can also be powerful.?

Final thoughts

Feedback from our Communication in the Hybrid Workplace trainings shows that the skill of listening is one of the most universally applicable tools we can learn. In the workplace, it makes for more effective negotiation, supports healthy conflict resolution, and enhances decision-making; it creates a culture of inclusivity and belonging; it empowers individuals to think differently, solve their own challenges, and take ownership for their actions. And, out of the workplace, it supports us to have stronger personal relationships too. As Dale Carnegie said, “you can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you”.?

As Time to Talk day (February 3rd) approaches, it is a perfect time to practise listening. While this is a day dedicated to encouraging people to speak about their mental health, the skill of listening is applicable in every setting. As someone in one of our trainings recently said, “it is simply the art of being human, but it isn’t that easy to be human when the pressure is on”.

Today, I invite you to go out, and “be more human”.