To See Yourself Most Clearly, Look Through the Right Window

“That which is object we can look at, reflect upon. That which is subject we are run by, at the effect of.” - Robert Kegan

In 1955 psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham created the now world-famous “Johari window”, merging their first names to title a model that is still widely used today, and that intuitively illustrates what there is to know about us.

Essentially, what we know about ourselves can be described in two dimensions: what is known (and unknown) to the self, and what is known (and unknown) to others. In other words, there are conscious and unconscious aspects to what we know about our own selves, and some of these things may be visible or invisible to those we interact with. In strict theory, every aspect of “who we really are” fits somewhere in this broad canvas.

It can be insightful to use this framework as an assessment or development tool that can reveal interesting insights about our blind spots and what we let others know about us. In theory, we should be able to extend the elements of this window so that the unconscious becomes conscious, and so that what we see matches more closely what others see. But how exactly can one go about this?

Interested in accelerating your self-awareness? Coaching can help. Learn more.

Consider this story from a client, a successful female leader who has been managing a human-rights non-profit out of Africa for years. She recently shared with me that she didn’t consider herself to be particularly great at anything. I asked bluntly: “How can a woman who has successfully led a non-profit for the last few years, met with UN representatives, delivered keynote addresses to large crowds, and that is now dabbling with the idea of publishing a book, NOT be great at something?”.

This led to an in-depth discussion about the culture she grew up in, how self-deprecation has led to success in the past, her inflated perception of other’s talents and of course, imposter syndrome. She ultimately agreed that maybe she is great at one or two things and that surely there must be some truth to the overwhelming external evidence validating her abilities. When forced to reconcile these contradicting perspectives, she was able to briefly glance at the window through which she views herself. She began to accept the idea that perhaps the window needed some repair.

Robert Kegan describes this phenomenon of adult learning as a process of looking at that which we look through, or having that which we are subject to become an object. While it takes a lot of work and – and many times dedicated resources like coaching - to become aware of the more complex, unconscious and deeply ingrained aspects of ourselves that we are subject to, there are several things you can do now to start this shift:

• Broaden your sources of feedback: if you work in an organization, your manager is undoubtedly your main source of performance and development feedback. Go against the grain by getting into the habit of collecting feedback from your most relevant stakeholders, like specific peers, internal clients and direct report. Together, they can provide you with a more holistic “360 degree” perspective that you can then compare and contrast to gain valuable insights about the way you are perceived by others.
• Get qualitative feedback: quantitative feedback like the one you can get from a survey is invaluable as a standardized way of collecting information, but can lack context and may not always be easily actionable. Go beyond numbers or rating scales and collect detailed feedback through structured questions like “When did you see me at my best during this project?”, “What behaviors do you believe contributed to our positive working relationship?” or “How did that specific behavior impact the quality of the end product?”.
• Check for inconsistencies: as you gather feedback, you will inevitably become resistant and detect inconsistencies between what you hear and what you believe to be true. Don’t avoid this resistance. Instead, embrace it as an opportunity to be curious and learn more about a different perspective. Instead of challenging an opinion, consider asking “Could you please provide more detail so I can better understand this point of view?”. Ask follow-up questions with a positive intent, until you are able to actually understand where the other person is coming from.

As the unreliable narrators of our own stories, while we hold the keys to much of what there is to know about ourselves, we are also in the habit of keeping those out of reach. Opening to others, appreciating their unique perspective, and then finding a middle ground where our own point of view meets theirs can be a catalyst for personal growth.?

As a certified Strengths Coach and Organizational Psychologist, I help my clients define their strengths, discern their potential and design a way forward, on to their next career breakthrough. Learn more.