See People

(Written seven months ago but more relevant today than ever)

Where has our empathy gone? We desperately want people to hear and relate to us. We don't understand why others fail to recognize our contributions or the value we have to offer. The lack of connection causes further withdrawal, and our cynicism toward others grows. Everyone has it wrong, except for us, of course. Everyone is an idiot. Over time we exempt nobody from our chastened view of humanity. 

Ok. Maybe this doesn't accurately describe how you view others, but there is a good chance you fail to see others as people. We become conditioned to seeing people as objects. These objects either help us, hurt us, or make no difference to us. The waiter at a restaurant is a means of getting food to eat. The coworker is a means of completing a report or a machine fixed. Teachers are a means of educating our children. We are failing to see people as people. We see them as a means to an end. We rarely look at the bank teller or the grocery store cashier and attempt to empathize with what is going on in their lives. We barely make eye contact.

My intent is not to make you feel bad or to have you go on the defensive. The reality is that we don't realize we are behaving in this way, and most choose to respond, "so what." What if we saw every person as a person? I am not suggesting that we seek to understand their life story, but I am suggesting that we recognize that they have a story. Our Worldly cynicism continues to grow because we don't see people as people. We see them as a means to an end and nothing more.

Imagine the depth of relationships you could develop with your neighbors by seeing them as people versus just the people next door. Imagine how much more fun your work could be if you experienced your coworkers as people with similar or more significant challenges to overcome than you. Almost instinctively, we look at people as objects through which we might achieve our goals or get what we desire. The tendency is to use people as vehicles, observe them as obstacles to blame or ignore them as though they are irrelevant. In other words, we are shallow in the views we take about other people. We don't see them because all we can envision is what they can do for us or how they are blocking us from getting what we desire. The good news is that through increased awareness, we can begin to see people as people.

What is wrong? The programming of our youth begins at an early age. The infant is reliant on a primary caregiver for all their needs. They are helpless. As they grow up, they become more and more obsessively focused on themselves. This inward obsession is natural and a vital part of the maturation process. The challenge for youth and adults is that we are overwhelmed with inputs that validate their inner focus. Marketing focuses on capturing our attention and making us feel unique or special. The media triggers our fight or flight mechanisms that subsequently inhibit our ability to empathize with others. The government panders to all demographics while vilifying the other side of an issue. The sports world vilifies their opponents and referees while companies vilify their competition. The world is us versus them on every front. How can we overcome our obsessively inward focus and learn to empathize with others?

Here are three ideas to consider when you are struggling to connect with people at home, at work, or in your community…

1. Assume you are the problem…reality hits us between the eyes from time to time. Too often, our preference is to pretend that reality what we think only to determine later our thinking was flawed. We assume someone took something from us only to find later that we had misplaced it. During our interactions gone wrong with others, we most often believe the following:

? Malicious Intent – We believe the person we are dealing with is out to harm us. Their defiance is meant to set us back or impair our ability to do our work. In friendships, we hear that a person has been speaking poorly of us behind our back. The story we make up causes us to bristle with anger that another person would intentionally harm our relationship with another person. Our response is most often to counter the other person by building alliances that we believe will support our cause and come to our defense. Our response triggers the other person to develop their alliances (validating their feelings). The cycle continues until either the relationship breaks down altogether or reconciliation occurs. Unfortunately, more often than not, the relationship is unable to recover because neither party is willing to forgive and forget. The assumption is that the other person was out to harm us, but our cowardly nature never allows us to have an open dialogue with the other person. Consider the workplace disputes and family divides that have resulted from assuming malicious intent without ever having an open and honest conversation with the other person. What are some questions you could ask yourself when you realize you are assuming malicious intent?

? Superiority – The person we are dealing with is inferior to us. Status is an unfortunate reality of society. We rank and file others based on a myriad of criteria. The bottom line is that every person is human. Every person has dreams, challenges, desires, hopes, and feelings just as we do. Society has conditioned us to measure our status versus the status of others. Too often, our need for certainty and a sense of significance will cause us to take a position of superiority versus others. Humanity has a natural disdain and will immediately resist a person that acts with superiority. As with malicious intent, this occurs at home and work. Husbands that work will often consider themselves more valuable to the contribution of the family than their wives. Rainmakers (often salespeople) in companies will develop a belief that they are superior to others in the organization. How could you keep your EGO in check when dealing with others? What questions could you ask yourself to determine if you are taking a superior approach in a relationship? 

? Morality – We were wronged by a person before, and we assume that the person has low morals. We remain guarded in all aspects of our interactions because we question the intent of the people with whom we are dealing. We observe a person from a distance, do something that we believe to be a demonstration of low moral character. We can't be sure, but we assume the worst. We avoid discussing the situation with this person that has supposedly wronged us. Now in every interaction, we have with the person, we consider what we observed even though we have no insight into what happened. Instinctively we question the morality of others without reason or understanding. We could ask ourselves; why am I assuming this person has low moral character? Do I have clear and irrefutable evidence of a weak moral character?

? Manipulation – We are manipulators. Our manipulation is almost undetectable on the surface, but because we see people as objects through which we get what we desire, we manipulate. The reality is that because we are continually manipulating others, we assume they are manipulating us. We are instinctively skeptical because we know our nature. It is easy to confuse influence and manipulation. The difference is that influence is a desire for the other person to be positively impacted versus us achieving the desired outcome. Do you see people as objects or people? Are you using your ability to articulate arguments to manipulate a situation for your desired outcome?

Contrast the assumptions above with the assumptions we could have with an outward mindset approach:

? Pure Intent – When our intentions are pure, we genuinely desire what is best for the other person. Instead of contemplating what we can get from the person in front of us, we think about what we can give. The shift from getting to giving is transformational. Give without expectation is another form of pure intent. Unfortunately, many people will be incapable of taking this approach. The inward mindset has a hold on their mind that leading with pure intention will not be possible. If you are an outward mindset person dealing with an inward mindset person, don't give up. Show up with pure intentions. Don't compromise. Demonstrate what it means to have pure intention. Don't allow them to take advantage of you, but don't attempt to resist their selfish nature. Roll with it.

? Humility – Life isn't about you or me. Showing up with humility is the easiest way to find common ground when differences or issues arise. Today's societal norm is obsessed with what we are getting, or "hey look at me." Humility allows us to see and hear others. Leaders must demonstrate humility if they expect others to follow. Humility is a form of respect. The outward mindset requires that we begin every interaction from a place of humility versus a position of superiority. No person is better than another regardless of their skills or ability, and every person is worthy of respect. Tough pill to swallow from many, and that is why great leaders seem few and far between!

? Honest Mistake – So what, you screwed up or so what, they screwed up. Grace is the greatest of gifts and seems to be one of the most challenging gifts to give. We expect perfection. We expect people to do what we ask without exception. The reality is that humans screw stuff up. They especially screw stuff up when they are always in "go mode." Go mode is ideal for getting things done and making progress, but we must expect people to make mistakes. It will go sideways, so the best strategy for continuing the project is to offer grace to those that make honest mistakes. If people use poor judgment to cut corners or pursue what is best for them, we should push back. We must seek to understand the difference between an honest mistake and dereliction of duties. People will always claim honest mistakes (and we should offer the benefit of the doubt), but further inquiry might be required to understand the intent or possible neglect. When feasible, lead with grace and forgive others for their mistakes.

2. Put yourself in the other person's shoes…Empathy is the foundation for the outward mindset. When we take the time to understand what another person is experiencing, our perspective of them can begin to shift. Understanding and perspective are fundamental to human connection. People with an outward mindset have high levels of emotional intelligence (EQ). The best definition I have found to describe EQ is as follows: "The capacity to reason about emotions, and of emotions, to enhance thinking. It includes the abilities to accurately perceive emotions, to access and generate emotions to assist thought, to understand emotions and emotional knowledge, and to reflectively regulate emotions to promote emotional and intellectual growth." Let's break this definition down.

? Perceiving emotion is about recognizing emotions that are arising in others and understanding their meaning. Understanding and detecting one's emotional state is another crucial component of perceiving emotions. Developing the ability to recognize the feelings of others is an essential aspect of human connection. For example, people with autism are unable to pick up visual cues from another person that offers insight as to a person's emotional state. The narcissist also struggles with picking up the emotional signals of others because they are so obsessed with their feelings and emotions. Perception of emotions is what makes using, understanding, and managing them possible.

? Using Emotions (according to Wikipedia) is the ability to harness emotions to facilitate various cognitive activities, such as thinking and problem-solving. People with EQ will change activities depending on their moods to optimize performance.

? Understanding emotions (according to Wikipedia) is the ability to comprehend emotion in language and to appreciate complicated relationships among emotions. People with high EQ are like emotional ninjas thanks to their ability to discern between various emotions.

? Managing emotions involves having the ability to leverage positive or negative emotions to achieve the desired outcome.

The outward mindset is the ultimate expression of EQ. EQ makes it about the other person, as does the outward mindset.

3. Consider that they are just like you…When we harness the power of humility, grace, emotional intelligence, forgiveness, and lead with pure intent, our relationships begin to flourish. Many people have intuitively discovered this truth. We are all fundamentally the same. Consider this; genetically, every person is made up of 99.9% of the same stuff. Our bodies are made up of over 3 billion base pairs, and 99.9% are the same amongst each and all of us. Why are we obsess our differences versus living in awe of the similarities? When I was in 8th grade, I had an opportunity to interview a neighbor of mine, Ernie Jones. He said, "We all put our pants on one leg at a time." That phrase has stuck with me all of these years, yet I often catch myself obsessing over our differences versus living in wonder & awe of how much we are alike. We are all unique but yet mostly all the same. The person you are angry, disappointed, or frustrated with has dreams and aspirations just like you. They want to be appreciated, acknowledged, validated, and justified, just like you. To see people requires that we acknowledge that their hopes, dreams, and desires take nothing away from us. We should seek to serve them and enhance their lives in a way that helps them succeed. The outward mindset allows us to see people as people. It allows us to connect a deeper level with family, friends, coworkers, and strangers. The person on the sidewalk asking for spare change is just like us. They are a person with dreams and aspirations. I am not saying give them your money, but simply saying recognize that they are human. Our enemies are human. Our competitors are human. Significant cultural differences make it difficult to acknowledge another person, but the outward mindset will establish humanity as the baseline for all of our interactions. The best way to begin to see people as people is to ask ourselves questions. Here are some questions to consider asking ourselves:

? What are this person's needs, fears, objectives, and challenges? When we acknowledge the needs, fears, objectives, and challenges of others, we begin to see our similarities versus our differences. Overcoming our selfish (inward) tendencies that lead us to focus on our differences is necessary for us to start seeing people as people. The inward mindset prevents us from experiencing the reality of others because acknowledging others might take away from us. 

? If you are becoming emotional about another person, ask yourself: From where are these emotions arising? Why am I feeling this way? The goal of this question is to help us determine what inside of us is causing our emotional distress. Emotional responses are almost always a result of our issues versus the issues of the other person. We see in others a reflection of ourselves, and we recoil in response. We make it about us. Anger is always about us. We project it onto others, but the reality is that it is still about us.

? How is my heart? I realize this sounds soft, but the condition of the heart during our interactions with others will have a significant impact on how we express ourselves. If we are inwardly focused, our heart will likely be closed and self-serving. If we are outwardly focused, we are going to readily empathize with others and see them as people with needs, challenges, and objectives.

In every interaction, you are either building a relationship or eroding it. Seeing people as people requires attention and intention. You will need to offer your undivided attention to hear them and understand their needs. You intentionally consider their objectives, challenges, and needs versus your objectives, challenges, and needs. How can I help this person, or how can I better serve this person? Seeing people as people is not weak, but a demonstration of our strength. To see takes nothing from us but adds or enhances our lives. 

Who have you not been seeing because you have been focused on your needs, challenges, and objectives? How can you show up differently for that person and begin to heal the relationship?

Thanks to The Arbinger Institute for helping me learn to see people as people during The Outward Mindset Training.

Ready for a Reset? - Join Us June 22nd - Your Life Your Responsibility www.nowwhatacademy.com/reset