The Secret of Opening-Up a Conversation Partner.

Have you wondered why it's so easy for some to inspire their conversation partner to open-up, while others struggle? That there are people with whom you could talk days and days. And there are people with whom you would end the conversation before it starts?

It may look like a natural-born gift. Either you have it, or you don't. 

But what if I would say, that the whole story between the best communicator and the worst slimy salesperson, is a skill? 

How do they talk? What do they say? Or don't say?

What's their secret?

Every best communicator has developed this skill. Either consciously or subconsciously. Sometimes even without knowing it. It's such a subtle skill that you may easily overlook it. At the start, I didn't pay much attention to it. But the more I learned, the more I understood the importance of this skill.

And the best communicating skill to develop requires less talking than you would expect. In some cases, you're not talking at all. It's even better when you speak less.

So listen to this carefully, as that's exactly the skill you're looking for.

Do Exactly This To Scare-Off Anyone.

And to better describe it, I'll start with a story from a few weeks ago.

Not that long ago, I had to look up for a new suit. There was a wedding scheduled for one of my best friends. I wanted to look as sharp and handsome as the groom. It's almost impossible to do that, as he is a handsome guy. So even the best suit would not overshadow him.

And I like to buy the best-of-the-best stuff. That's how I do things.

I searched for several stores specialized in suits. Made a list of stores and went to the first one.

The store looked decent. Not the fanciest place, but not the cheapest either. So I walked around the store, looking for my well-day-dreamt suit: a beautiful navy coloured, slim and sleek, with two buttons and well material.

Suddenly, the shop-assistant disturbed my spectating:

"Hello, Sir! Are you looking for a suit?"

"Well, yes, I am." - I replied.

The shop-assistant started to smile even more. Maybe a bit too much:

"We have some nicely discounted suits. Black, classic ones. You know, black is always in fashion! This really looks good with your body type. Let me find several similar pairs so that you can trie them all. I can guarantee you - you will love em!"

"But I'm not looking for a black suit. I'm looking for a blue one."

"No, you don't need a blue suit! Go for the black ones. They are more practical. And you'll be able to get this special discount. This is a must for you! I'll go and take a few pairs for you..."

The longer the conversation went, the quicker I wanted to leave. This sales-assistant didn't know what I want. 

The Way How A Lazy Lad Communicates.

So I went to the next shop. This shop looked a bit fancier than the previous place. But it still felt within my budget. I started prospecting the hanging suits. Some of them looked nice. Just as I finished looking at the first two, the shop-assistant came by:

"Hello, Sir! May I help you with choosing a suit?"

"Yes, please." - I replied

"What kind of suit are you looking for?"

"A navy blue one. With two buttons and..."

"What you said? A navy blue one?"

"Ehm, yes! And with two buttons. And good materials."

"Ok, we have some navy blue suits. I'll bring you a couple of them."

I waited for a few minutes, and the shop assistant brought me four different suits. 

The first suit was rather old-fashioned. At least it looked too old for me.

The second one looked good. But the price tag was way out of my budget.

The third and fourth were decent. Wouldn't rate as the best ones, but they both were affordable.

"So, which do you like the best?" - the shop-assistant asked - "The first one looks good on you."

"Yes, I agree." - I replied - "But, it's out of my budget. I'm looking for a cheaper one."

"The third one looks good on you too! Maybe you should take that one!"

"Well, I don't like how bulky it looks on me. Anyways, helps for assisting, I'll take it from here."

"No problems. Just let me know if you need anything!" 

It was quite a decent place. The shop-assistant was ok. Not too pushy or something. But I wouldn't say I enjoyed talking with her either.

The Partner Which Opens-Up You Faster Than Blink-Of-An-Eye.

So I went to the third shop. This place was the finest out of the three. I could see a lot of big brand names. Hugo Boss. Giorgio Armani. The types of names which screams "I'm expensive!"

I didn't felt very comfortable, as it seemed out of my league. But I like the best-of-the-best stuff, so I give it a try.

I prospected the hanging suits. One suit after another one looked great. Nice materials. Classy looks. 

But one suit particular amazed me. It was showcased on a mannequin. An excellent masterpiece. It wasn't exactly what I imagined to have, but it looked good.

A good-looking man approached me and started a conversation:

"I see you have good taste in suits. This exact suit is the same model what James Bond had. James Bond in the Casino Royale. For what occasion are you looking a suit?"

At this moment I felt thrilled. It's not just a suit - it's a James Bond suit. I wonder how good this suit would look on me?

We continued with a great conversation. The shop-assistant asked me a few questions, and I enjoyed to share all the requested details. At some moments, I even overshared. But quickly we returned to my needs.

I talked, and talked.. and talked a bit more... And it felt like the shop-assistant read my mind.

And after a while - I bought it. I bought my James Bond suit.

I hadn't felt so good for a long time. Even if it was way above my budget, it felt so natural. Exactly this suit was the suit I wanted. And it wasn't navy blue as I thought initially.

But who cares? It's a James Bond suit! And now, it's mine.

Why Does Speaking Less Brings Longer Conversation?

But it wasn't the suit I bought. It was the feeling which I got from the conversation with the shop-assistant. The belief that I'm important. The feeling that I'm worthy of having such a suit. The feeling that the shop-assistant listened to me.

And this is the most critical communication skill of them all - being able to listen. 

It's not just any listening. It's active listening.

Active listening is a well-trained skill. It's when you focus on your conversation partner - when your partners' words are all that matters.

The way you listen has four levels. Be aware of which level you are. The more focused you'll be, the deeper level you'll achieve. And the more significant impact you'll bring to your conversation.

Here's an infographic of an excerpt of how to become a better communicator. May it be a useful tool in your journey to develop your communication skills.