Secrets from a 27 year old...

I recently had Mary Lambert's - Secrets come up in my playlist, and although the song is from 2014, it still strikes a nerve. When you're stuck in traffic and you're alone with your thoughts, it's the right time for a song to hit you deep, down in your soul.

The lyrics go something like this:

"They tell us from the time we're young

To hide the things that we don't like about ourselves

Inside ourselves

I know I'm not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else

Well I'm over it" 

And after playing the song on repeat for 4 to 5 times, it got me thinking. What is it that I hide from the world that I feel ashamed of? What do I see and think, when I look in the mirror? 

Childish Fears

I guess each of us has childhood fears that stay with us unto adulthood. Those types of fears that we're embarrassed to say we actually have, in fear of the reaction, "What are you? Seven years old?" 

Well yes, I have a few of those.

True to the song, I am indeed afraid of the dark. I literally slept with a light on in the house until I was 25. And even now, I find myself grateful for the slither of light that creeps through the bedroom curtain at night. 

I'm also scared of horses. And parrots. I held my first parrot just last year, and I almost peed in my pants doing it. Which is probably unfathomable for most of you reading this. I've learnt to deal with horses, as my 8 year old daughter loves them dearly, and when there is nobody else to pick her up and put her on the pony ride at the local farmer's market, I have to do it. Put on my big girl panties and get shit done. 

Insecurity 

Yeah, I know what you're thinking, "But every girl is insecure." 

But, as I've decided to be open and honest, my insecurity is on another level. If I'm in a room full of people, and I hear my name mentioned, I worry incessantly about what they may be saying. 

My boyfriend and his phone and/or social media, make me worry all the time. I find myself worrying about who he may be talking to, and which women are trying to have conversations they shouldn't be having with him. I even go so far as wondering how I would compete with another woman, what if she's prettier than me? What if she's smarter than me, or funnier than me? 

I know right, what is wrong with me? 

I guess it boils down to a lack of confidence, and the fear of not being good enough. What if I'm not good enough for the job I've applied for? What if Tyrone isn't as happy as he seems? What if I'm just not good enough in general? What if my parents aren't proud of the woman I've become? What if I don't amount to anything? What if Madison isn't proud to have me as a mother? 

These questions circle around and around in my mind, and I slowly chip away at what little self confidence I do have. 

Self Confidence 

"a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement." 

Self confidence is an entirely different ball game. As women, we are incredibly judgemental of ourselves, and of the other women around us. 

I know I am guilty of it. I compare myself to women around me all the time. Their bodies and their minds, and I belittle myself into thinking that I pale in comparison. 

A lot of people will read this, and think to themselves, what crap are you talking? You model in front of the camera all the time, you put pictures up on social media, you can't possibly be saying that you're not happy with the way you look if you flaunt it the way you do. 

Maybe I do the modelling because in some small way, it helps me to see what others always say they see. Maybe, the friendships I've formed from being in front of the camera, have helped me to feel a little more comfortable in the skin that I've been given. Most of the photographers that I've been blessed enough to work with, have made me feel that my personality is enough to make for good images. 

But let me be the first to tell you, that when I receive images back from a photoshoot, I am my own worst critic. I see stomach rolls, I see the funny way I may pull my face, I see the cellulite, I see all the things that I see in the mirror, when I dissect everything that's wrong with me, my face and my body. 

And yes, maybe I put them up on social media because... 

I need validation from others 

Maybe that's what I need. From time to time, every woman just wants to be reassured. To be reassured that she is doing enough, that she is good enough, that she is smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough. 

But when I say that I need validation from others. I don't mean that I want every person on this planet to absolutely adore me. But we just want to know that we are important to the people in our lives that we place our priority on? 

When I write an article, I want someone to say, "Hey, good job!" 

When I put effort into my appearance, it's nice to hear my boyfriend say, "Wow babe, you look great tonight." 

When I make a meal for the family, I do want to hear, "Hey Miks, that was great, we really enjoyed that." 

When I go to a gathering of friends, I do want them to think, "It wouldn't be the same without Mikaila here." 

When I spend time with my daughter, I want to hear, "Mom, that was really fun!" 

Does that sound silly? Am I the only person who does that? Am I the only person whose disappointed when I don't hear those things? 

So maybe validation is what I'm seeking when I put a modelling image up. Maybe I do just want to hear someone say that it's a pretty picture, or that I've grown into a beautiful young woman. 

And I admit, that maybe searching for that by modelling makes no sense, but the people I've met along my journey have really moulded me in ways that they will never understand. 

This includes my boyfriend, Tyrone, you are an incredible human being. For being so patient with me and my body issues, for always making me feel so beautiful. For understanding when I need to change my outfit three times because I'm simply not comfortable. It can't be easy being in this with a woman who, admittedly, is unsure of herself. I applaud you. And adore you because of the way you make me feel. 

People pleasing 

I know {cringe}, it sounds terrible. But it's the best way I can think of explaining this part of myself that I pretend not to know exists. But it does. 

I just want to see the important people in my life, genuinely, down-to-their-bones happy. And I want to be a small reason for that. 

I go out of the way for the people around me, and sometimes it's frustrating that they don't necessarily seem to appreciate it or notice it. But ultimately, that's not the reason I do it. 

If we were out, and my friend messed milkshake on her shirt, I would swap shirts with her. 

If I'm thoroughly enjoying the last piece of chocolate in the house, and my daughter asks to have a piece, I would happily give it to her.

If my mom and dad don't have milk or bread in the house, I would undeniably give them my last R50 so that they could have. 

You might be wondering why I would see this is a bad quality? But everybody telling me it is, might just be true. 

The nature of pleasing people, has had me in hot water at work previously, doing things for people that were actually their duty, but I said I'd do it. And losing time because of it. 

I know that the people around me sometimes get irritated with me being like this. Like, why? Why do you do that? Offer your help when you have no reason to? Offer to be there when you have 10,000 things on your own plate? They look at the size of my shoulders, and don't realise that these shoulders were made for carrying more than it looks like they can. 

I can carry the world, if it means that the people around me have a lighter load. 

Anxiety 

Now I know the word ANXIETY is taboo. People picture someone crawled in a ball, in the fetal position, rocking themselves back and forth and crying while taking big breaths. 

This is not true at all. 

I suffer with anxiety. And I mean proper anxiety. I worry all the time, about everything. I get anxious when someone else is driving. I get anxious when I've applied for work and haven't heard back in the first couple of days. I get anxious about big decisions. I get anxious about small things. I get anxious about things that are out of my control. I am plagued by fears that sometimes seem irrational. I literally work myself into almost a panic attack a lot of the time. 

Now my anxiety doesn't manifest as mentioned above. 

Do you know what happens? 

I get muscle tension, I start to breathe in short intakes of breath, I go very, very quiet. And I withdraw into myself. I don't sleep very well, well most nights in fact. I internalise everything. I don't talk to the people around me. I try to deal with it all by myself. And the people around me think I'm moody or grumpy, but meanwhile my mind is just running around and around in circles searching for answers to problems that may not have a straight solution. I need to be better at this. I need to try open up to the people around me. 

I apologise to those in my life who've had me disappear into my mind for long periods of time without telling them what's wrong. I apologise for being too ashamed to admit that I have this massive problem, and not asking for help. 

Years ago, I was prescribed mild anti-depressants to help combat the problem. But I never filled the prescription. To this day, I am adamant that I can beat this without medication. Maybe I'm wrong? Maybe trying to do it alone is a mistake. But I need to try. 

Hard on myself 

I'm incredibly hard on myself. Maybe it's because of everything else mentioned above. 

I miss a few days of gym, and I suffer with self-bashing because of it. 

I make a mistake on a piece of work, and I punish myself for hours. 

I offend someone accidentally, or say the wrong thing, and I convince myself I am a horrible person because of it. 

I am so much harder on myself than any boss, client, family member or friend could ever be. If I've made a mistake, or blundered, I can guarantee you that I've beat myself up over it already, and nothing you say or do could be close to the horrible things I've already told myself. 

It's both a good quality and a bad quality to have I guess. It helps me strive for perfection. 

But, 

Are we even human if we don't admit to making mistakes? Shouldn't we be able to make them, without digging our grave afterwards. 

I need to be kinder to myself I think, I need to work on being okay with figuring things out, and not getting it 100% right the first time. 

I guess it's okay to not be perfect, but at the same time, it's not a bad thing to strive for. Or is it, everybody always says "We can't be perfect", but surely we can try? 

You see what I mean? 

I think I might be crazy. 

Well now you know my secrets. You know what it is that I go out of my way to hide from the world. You know what it is that I always struggle internally with. I have no secrets that these are the things that plague me. 

But you know what, having opened up about all of these things. 

Aren't these the things that make me imperfectly me? 

Perhaps, that's the journey right? Perhaps, it's accepting these things, owning them, and being okay to open up to the world, and say, "This is me. In all my imperfect, crazy chaos. This is me." 

Will you keep me this way? 

xxx