The Secret Things About Failure That Nobody Tells You

And How To Get Comfortable With Failing In 6 Steps

I’m no expert but I’ve got a warm coffee and a Zack Bryan record, so let’s take a ride.?

I’ve been thinking a lot about failure lately. Many leaders talk about failure but sometimes they don't even get it. They talk about the importance of failing and failing often. But no one has ever explained it in a way that hit home for me.?

Before now it has all been theoretical.

Don’t get me wrong I have failed hundreds of times in my life in almost every aspect of it. And I am sure I have many more to go. But, I think I just might be starting to get this big hairy lesson. Success doesn’t come from failing. It starts from getting comfortable with failing but it’s much bigger.

Step 1: Try Again

My mind shifts to the age-old life lesson of riding a bike or rather learning to ride a bike. My daddy taught me when I was just a boy. Mind you, this was the early 1980s so Bike helmets and pads weren’t a thing on my parent's radar. I'm not even sure if we had training wheels. But once I got it, it clicked.? I remember being so confident and proud. And then one day (shortly after learning) on my rain-slicked dead-end street in Long Island, New York, I got too bold and skidded out under a parked pickup truck. I left the mangled bike and took my scratched knees wobbling home crying.?

The very next morning my dad got me back on the bike to try again. He knew something that I didn’t.?

The fear of failing is what keeps us all from trying again.

Step 2: Silencing The Voices In Our Head

Many of us (and this could all be in our heads) have someone in our life who we feel is out there counting our failures. A college friend, a cousin, an in-law, etc.?

Like it or not that voice is living rent-free somewhere in our heads and it’s holding us back.?

In my own life, I have been guilty of judging others and it’s something I am trying to cut out.?

Social psychologist Alison Ledgerwood's research shows that once we think about something as a loss, that way of thinking about it tends to stick in our heads and that our view of the world has a fundamental tendency to tilt towards the negative. She says

"It's pretty easy to go from good to bad, but far harder to shift from bad to good. We litterally have to work harder to see the upside of things."

Step 3: The Realization That There Is No Permanent Record

We each take a different path in this life and they are often unique. One of the best lessons my dad taught me was about permanent records. I think I was in high school and worried about a bad grade in science or math and he could see that I was struggling. I may have even said what if it’s on my permanent record?

He leaned in and whispered “Here is a life secret, there is no permanent record. There are just experiences and they are either good or bad or right and wrong for you.”

What I learned in this moment and moments since is that oftentimes we are the most critical of ourselves. No one is keeping track of your failures and if they are they are most likely sidelined by their fear.?

Step 4: Using Failure As A Motivation Tool

Someone I have followed for years, Gary Vaynerchuk talks a lot about failure and its importance in moving forward.

To Gary’s animated points, using that judgment from others can be a great motivation for future success.?

Step 5: Remember That You Learned?

I reached out to my former CEO, Felicite Moorman who has always talked about the importance of failing. She is a serial entrepreneur who has successfully gone through several acquisitions and is currently launching a new venture, Boss Tech.??

“The hardest thing about failing is maintaining the perspective that you learned,” Moorman said. “If you’re dedicated to your path, the lessons themselves stick, but retaining perspective rarely gets easier.”

Her points are so important.?

Applying that to my own life ... the online magazine that I tried in 2009 failed pretty hard and my business partner and I let it fizzle out. But all of that knowledge and a heck of a lot more that I have acquired since is ready to go for any project or job that I tackle in the future.?

Sometimes, you have to be comfortable with having to try tens and maybe even hundreds of iterations on your ideas before it clicks for you.?And most importantly, that is OK!

Step 6: Owning The Failure To Move Forward

This might be as simple as saying to yourself, I miscalculated things there, how can I apply what I learned to anything that I do next without being shadowed in fear? ?

The legendary Steve Jobs also talked about failure often.?

For Jobs, the lesson in failure was more about having to act. If you let that fear stop you from action you won’t get far.?

For those who still want some extra motivation, I leave you with Jocko Willink viral video. If you don’t like it, then GOOD!?

What did I miss, what lessons have you learned from Failure? Please leave your responses in the comments.