The Secret to Stop Being Negatively Impacted by Others

Have you ever felt side swiped by someone else? Maybe it was an attitude from your child, or a snarky comment online, or a whole team of “moods” making you wonder if it’s a full moon out there. Or maybe it was passive aggressive communication coming from work.

Perhaps you’ve been in the place where you had it up to here with negative interactions from others. Our relationships determine everything about how we feel about life. Everything about what we think, how we feel, and even our behaviours are people-related. This deeply impacts our ability to lead from a brave place.

I was preparing for a session with a group of educators, and while I was typing out the slide, “Your mood doesn’t affect mine”. At that very moment I received email that sent me through the emotional roof. Do you know what I’m talking about? I know this concept in theory, “Your mood doesn’t affect mine” , but when it came?down to this interaction, it impacted my heart like a blow to the face.? I’ve discovered one of the greatest reasons we feel disconnected from others and our own ability to lead bravely is because we haven’t been taught how to process intense moments like this. So we lash out. We say things we don’t mean. We delete that person on Facebook. We get snarky and bring up everything that person has done wrong for the past year. We judge. We turn away instead of turning towards.

When you find yourself in an emotional volcano like I was, here are three steps to help you process BEFORE we get to the secret that will change everything for you.

Remember, you don’t have to respond right away.

I’ll never forget when someone told me that. I have been known to respond (or should I say REACT) right away. I like to clear the air and resolve things. However, this would cause me to react more than respond, so by taking time to breathe and allow my inner hulk to simmer, it has made all the difference.

I ask myself: how did this interaction make me feel?

My first response is usually anger or frustration to something like this, but anger is a bodyguard. If I can figure out what else I may be feeling, I’m getting somewhere. I can take it even one step further by asking myself, “What does that feeling sound like as a sentence?” It helps me figure out emotions I may not be able to get to. In this case, what my anger sounded like as a sentence was, “Does she think I’m an IDIOT??” Oh, there you are shame…

Process: What behaviour wants to come out as a response?

For example, do I want to send back a snarky email? Do I want to call and give them a piece of my mind? Naming what behaviour wants to (or IS) coming out really gets me to the secret we’re about to get to.

This secret could?CHANGE EVERYTHING?for you and those you lead.

Are you ready for it? Here it is!

Ask yourself: What am I longing for here? All of our behaviours have a longing to them. If we can figure out what we really want, we can get to the root, attune in, repair the relationship quicker and LEAD – whether that’s with a student, a spouse, a co-worker, or our own children. So for example: My behaviour of wanting to disconnect, build a wall with this person was actually guarding a deeper longing to feel understood. To not be misjudged. ? Under our behaviours is so much more than what we present. Am I longing to feel connected but not feeling connected? Am I longing to feel like people “get” me, but instead I feel like I’m being judged? This question gives you the opportunity to dig underneath and maybe even make a new choice in how you engage with people. Knowing my longing gives me the chance to figure out how I’m going to manage me. It helps me determine: Do I need to let go of this person? Do I need to surrender the outcome? Do I need to put up a boundary? Do I need to work on myself? Is this a good place for me? How will I connect and repair? Our relationships determine EVERYTHING about how the way we lead. I have jokingly said, “You’re having a great day and then PEOPLE happen.” We all usually laugh at that, but it’s true. People highly impact us. I want you to be able to stay in the game, lead from a BRAVE place, and not lose yourself in the process.

Let me know if this question helped! I would love to hear.

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