The Secret of Right Questions

What is the right question, and how to ask it? 

I've been challenged many times to ask the right question. A question which turns the conversation in the direction I want it to head. A question which drives the conversation towards a positive outcome. An outcome I want to become real.

This outcome may be a closed deal. Or a negotiation on good terms. Or an opportunity to avoid a disastrous conclusion.

There are conversations which are too costly to go wrong — too expensive to have a mistake. And at those times, have a tool for every possible turn in the conversation, is essential. 

It is essential to prepare for the worst and reach out for the best.

What is this vital tool? It's the tool, the ability, to ask the right question.

In this article, I'll cover a powerfull technique of how to ask the right questions, with seven easy-to-implement strategies.

Shatter The Frame And Expand It In The Direction You Want.

"I see the world the way I learned it - beautiful, organized and wrong." - Ed Winmaker

Each of us has a unique look at the world - at everything around us. This unique look has developed throughout the lifetime. It's the opinions collected from parents, authorities, celebrities, religion, constitution, neighbourhood... everything. And these opinions about everything limits our thinking.

For example: I like to eat meat, and I don't understand veganism. And you can say anything to me, how bad it is to use animals as food. That juicy medium-raw tenderloin steak I had at the restaurant means everything.

I'm stuck in my frame of how I'm looking at eating meat. It's one of the best food I can get - it melts in your mouth: the texture, the seasoning. That dish itself brings sensation to me: the satisfaction, desire and fulfilment. 

How can I resist such a dish?

When you face such a strong opinion, you need to shatter the frame:

• Widen it beyond imagination. 
• Contrast it with alternatives. 
• Repeat it until it loses its strength.
• Bring evidence and facts to shift emotions to logic.
• Open-up to see what's else there on the table.
• Bring up causes and consequence to shift the emotional side to the rational side.
• Show the system to accent importance.

And let us jump on the first strategy out of seven.

Expand Fantasy Beyond Imagination

Your first tool on your Right-Question tool-belt is the Fantasy Frame.

The Fantasy Frame is a limitation of our imagination. It's crafted a lifetime out of opinions of our closest people. It's the frame which limits to forge new deals. 

To sell your conversation partner a new idea - this frame needs to be expanded.

And to do so, you need to include tactical openings for your questions. Such openings as:

• Imagine, if...
• What would happen, if...
• How it would be, if...
• What would change, if...
• Let's pretend, if...

The key here is to let your conversation partner think. To make your partner visualize what's possible beyond the horizon. What hides behind the impossible and not-acceptable.

Let's proceed with the second strategy.

The King Of Attention Hides In The Little Things.

Contrast is the attention taker. It brings new opportunities on-the-table. A well-implemented contrast in your question will make any conversation partner think.

Your idea may look expensive, impractical or unclear when there's nothing other to compare. Lack of comparison is confusing and uninteresting. And to get your conversation partner out of their comfort zone - you need to bring up-front contrast.

Well-played openings would be as these:

• Sure, you can do that... and what other alternatives you have in mind?
• You can do 'a'. Or you can do 'b'. What would you choose?
• And what would be the opposite of this feeling?
• What would you want instead?

Your partner will think what's best for him. If the comparison triggers a "this-makes-sense" thought in the head - you'll be awarded.

The third strategy is one-hop away.

Repetition Leads To Inevitable Success

"The most productive action, and the most hated action - it's repetition." - Ed Winmaker

Being uncomfortable is a feeling you naturally avoid. You don't like the idea of not being in control. And one of the causes of being out of control is an unclear thought.

When you have a conversation, you need to do your best to keep your partner feeling in control. And it doesn't mean he needs to have real power or actual control. 

Your thoughts to each-other needs to be delivered clear and understandable. If there's a confirmation, negotiation or acceptance expressed from your partner - ask to repeat.

Ways how to do it are such as these:

• So, you want to...
• If I understood you correctly, you want to...
• Let me clarify that...
• And if we return to what matters, you want to...

Repeated thought is your verbal hand-shake. It's your request for a decision in a well-handled manner.

Three strategies done. Four to go.

The Loudest Person Shuts-Up When A Cold Fact Is Present.

There's a challenge to interrupt an emotional conversation. Your partner may come up with hundreds and hundreds of new words until you have an opportunity to intervene. When you do that, it's essential to ask a spot-on question. And direct the conversation into your desired direction.

Facts and evidence break the emotional frame. When you need to cut through the mist of lies, use one of these openings:

• How do you know that?
• What points to that?
• When Exactly it happens?
• What Exactly happens afterwards?
• How would you describe that?

A conversation needs meaning. When you let your conversation go un-controlled, it's close-to-impossible to get a good outcome.

There's a definite fact - the fifth strategy is the next on the list.

Empower The Shy And Reach The Glory

There are conversations when you need to encourage your partner to open up. To tear down those walls of "I don't know" and "I don't care".

Best way to that is a being a role-model yourself — bring-up to your conversation questions which shows your interest and caring.

Here's a list of empowering questions to use today:

• What do you think about it?
• How do you value that?
• What does it mean to you?
• What has changed during this time in your life?
• How do you see your responsibility?

Empowering your conversation partner is one-of-the-most effective strategies.

And that leads us to the sixth strategy.

The Prime Instincts Hides In Consequences

Overly emotional-driven conversation partners need guidance. When you need to understand the exact circumstances and be clear about whats happened - ask cause and consequence questions.

Cause and consequence questions bring down the emotions and lead your partner to rational thinking. Those are the questions which compress the whole conversation within minutes. The questions Sherlock Holmes would ask.

Find out the truth with these questions:

• What Exactly you did before it happened?
• What did this person want to achieve?
• What was your reaction?
• How do you think - what caused this action?
• What will you do differently next time?

And this, my dear Watson, leads us to our next strategy. The seventh strategy of how to ask the right question.

A System Creates Order In Every Conversation

Conversation requires a strong idea. This idea may easily be overshadowed. To keep it secure, accent what's essential, look objective and predict future - you need to face the system frame.

The same way as this blog post is created, you need to bring a system to your conversation.

A system frame question would be such as these:

• How do you evaluate this event chain?
• What coincidences do you see?
• How does this event affect your life?
• Who else has been affected by it?
• How can you prevent it from happening?

And this concludes the seven strategies of how to ask the right questions.

Bonus tip:

The right question is not the only important part of your conversation. Every right question can be asked wrong.

How you ask is more important than what you ask. So prepare your tonality when you're learning to ask the right questions.