The Secret Pull of Perfectionism

Many people think perfectionism is wanting to do something to the best of our ability, to be our best, working towards excellence. However, there's a secret about perfectionism. It's not that at all. And that's not the only secret either.

Perfectionism is not the same as improving yourself, it's about striving for approval and acceptance. Where healthy striving is asking yourself "How can I improve?", perfectionism is asking yourself "What will they think?"

We believe we want to do it right so it’s the best it can be, and we tell ourselves that; but actually we want to get it exactly right because we are worried by what others will think of us if we don’t. And our ‘exactly right’, to us, is perfect - as good as it is possible to be. Well, no, not ‘as good as’, something more. Something, in truth, that is unattainable. What one person sees as perfect, another doesn’t. So perfection is in the eye of the beholder, and in that sense an illusion.?

Secret Truths

There’s a secret cost to perfectionism. Research* has shown it is perfectionism that, ironically, is getting in our way of success and doing a great job; it can impact negatively on our mental wellbeing, we miss out on opportunities, don't go after things we want to, or take risks.

Perfectionism whispers in our ear that we need to know everything or others will see us as 'less than'. Perfectionism teases and taunts us that our mistakes are personal shortcomings. Therefore, we like to stay hidden, avoid new things, or find it really tough when things don't go well.

Perfectionists:

> don't meet their own expectations and those they think others have of them

> see themselves as falling short of others' expectations

> can feel socially disconnected

The Recovering Perfectionist?

I grew up with “if a job's worth doing, it’s worth doing properly” and ‘good enough’ was never my aspiration. Being the best, that was what got rewarded, right? I’d feel really irritated when people would say to me “don’t let the perfect get in the way of the good”. Surely perfect is better than good, so why not go for that? I was even told my standards were too high. I mean, the cheek of it! How can your standards be too high? What does it matter if MY standards are too high, maybe YOURS are too low.

I resisted the idea that there was such a thing as ‘good enough’, or that trying to be perfect was a paradox in itself, and that this was more harmful than helpful. That was until I realised the impact my own striving was having on myself and others: over preparing, giving too much detail, beating myself up if something just wasn’t quite where I thought it should be, dismissing praise, obsessing over criticism, taking it personally. The list goes on.?

Now I feel for myself at the pressure I put myself under. I feel for the little girl who felt the disapproval at a 90% test result. And I recognised her in the grown up me who was still seeking that external validation and approval. So I held her hand instead.

I discovered there’s another secret... there’s such a thing as a recovering perfectionist. I know, because I am one, and you could be too. In my not so perfect, messy, still working it out way, so far I’ve learnt that these are the steps towards that:

Step 1: awareness and understanding that perfectionism isn’t quite what we think it is, or rather, it isn’t what we tell ourselves to excuse it

Step 2: recognising our perfectionist tendencies, how we think about ourselves and others, and how that comes out in our behaviours, our ways of doing things

Step 3: understanding the impact for us personally and professionally, what we’ve lost out on, or the alternatives we could have instead

Step 4: acknowledging where this tendency may have come from, empathising with our striving, and showing ourselves compassion

Step 5: shifting our driver from what others will think of us to being our true selves instead?

And I’m ok with these steps being a work in progress. I am a work in progress.?

Practising Patience With Your Perfectionist

It is really hard for a perfectionist to unlearn this way of being and it is also possible too. We want to do a good job, to do our best, and genuinely want to improve. And that does not have to change. But when this is in service of trying to control what others will think of you, then it shifts from personal development and growth to self-destructive thinking and behaviour. And then we are truly in our own way. We can choose instead to give ourselves a break, to become comfortable being who we really are, not what we think others want to see.

If you’d like to work through this with someone who understands what it's like, then please book in a call for us to have an initial chat: https://calendly.com/thestarsarealignedcoaching/li

*For more information on research into perfectionism, I recommend Brene Brown's book 'The Gifts of Imperfection', so good!