The Secret of Professional Explorers

Christopher Columbus landed in the Americas for the first time 530 years ago. He set sail with the hope of discovering a faster route from Europe to Asia, bringing back silks and spices, and expanding business ties. Instead, the long journey before touching down nearly cost him his life, the birds and plants he discovered wouldn't be in high demand in the old world, and the natives he met didn't seem like the kind of strategic partners he was hoping for. To Columbus, it was inconceivable that he had found new land. As a result, he was initially perplexed, anguished, and irritated.

We have a natural tendency to pin our aspirations for happiness on our ability to fulfill our expectations. We essentially create a mental picture of how things should be and then expect life to follow suit. This modus operandi has three major flaws. To begin with, the majority of our expectations are subconscious, meaning they are formed in a portion of the mind that acts without our knowledge. As a result, we frequently anticipate certain results without fully understanding why. Second, we rarely communicate our expectations. If meeting them was solely up to us, this wouldn't be such a problem. But no, we normally need others to pitch in as well. Third, we become attached to our expectations and miss out on other potentially superior possibilities that show themselves along the way.

Needless to say, unmet expectations set off a chain reaction of emotions. I've noticed that we tend to follow a five-stage process in general: disappointment, frustration, anger, guilt, and shame. The length of time we spend in each phase and the intensity with which we experience them appear to be distinct for every one of us. Let's take a look at each stage independently.

Disappointment that occurs in the normal course of life can be dealt with without too much difficulty. Continuous exposure to unmet expectations and a lack of coping methods, on the other hand, may jeopardize our mental and physical well-being, potentially leading to significant difficulties like depression. The impact of disappointment on our behavior is a less visible side effect. According to the Harvard Business Review, some people set modest expectations in order to prevent disappointment. This, in the long term, makes them underachievers. Others, on the other hand, set the bar far too high in order to avoid disappointment. This, in their minds, provides a good reason why expectations cannot be met.

Typically, disappointment is followed by frustration. Losing our temper, feeling unhappy, experiencing anxiety, giving up, and lacking self-confidence are all common reactions, according to WebMD. In the long run, frustration can lead to negative self-talk, which can translate into an adverse thought spiral. More serious cases can result in insomnia, drug and alcohol misuse, physical abuse, self-starvation, and aggression.

In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown highlights that frustration often overlaps with anger. The fundamental difference is that with frustration, we believe we can't change the circumstance, however with anger, we believe we can. Anger frequently conceals emotions that are difficult to recognize and/or own. Anger is a complicated emotion to manage. Holding on to it will make us tired and sick. Our enthusiasm and energy will be taken away if we internalize our wrath. Externalizing rage, on the other hand, will make us less effective in our efforts to impact change and build relationships.

Guilt and shame bring the process to a close. Guilt, according to Verywell Mind, is a self-conscious emotion characterized by negative self-evaluations, anguish, and feelings of failure. It refers to the belief that we have done something wrong, regardless of whether or not this is accurate. In other circumstances, we may exaggerate our own contribution to a situation, feeling that little errors had a far greater impact than they actually did. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are two mental health illnesses that are linked to excessive and inappropriate guilt. Guilt frequently leads to shame, an unpleasant sensation of humiliation or discomfort brought on by the belief that we are not good enough in some way. Shame can become an issue when it is internalized and leads to an overly critical assessment of oneself.

Being aware of where we are in the process might help us cope with the feelings that unmet expectations bring up. Dealing with disappointment, according to Psychology Today, begins with acknowledging that it happens to everyone. After that, we must distinguish between situations that are under our control and those that are beyond our control. Then we must change our self-talk to a more positive one and move forward. To handle frustration and anger, the Mayo Clinic recommends that we think before we speak, voice our concerns once we've calmed down, use 'I feel' comments rather than criticizing or assigning blame, don't keep grudges, and get help when needed. Letting go of guilt, as reported by Mind Tools, can be achieved by admitting our genuine acts and, if necessary, apologizing, especially to ourselves. And, according to PsychCentral, in order to deal with shame, we must first allow ourselves to feel any and all emotions that arise. We must next decide our mission and work toward becoming a better version of ourselves.

In my view, our problem is not so much expecting as it is committing our minds to a rigid idea and then remaining stiff when things don't go our way. Let me illustrate this with a personal anecdote. I started a master's degree many years ago with the expectation of landing a high-paying job. I had no idea that a global recession would derail my plans. Instead of adjusting to the new environment after graduation, I continued to pursue my initial aim as if nothing had changed. After nearly a year of receiving no responses to emails and phone calls from potential employers, as well as a great deal of disappointment, frustration, anger, guilt, and shame, I recognized that something had to change and that something was myself. I became more flexible and eventually got work as an intern preparing PowerPoint presentations, a far cry from the executive position I had envisioned. Nonetheless, the lesson I gained outweighed the wage disparity: expectations need to be flexible, a moving target rather than a vision set in stone.

Half a century before Columbus, the Vikings led by Leif Erikson set sail for Greenland but instead arrived in completely uncharted territory. They spent the entire winter there, exploring and taking advantage of the milder weather than in their native country. They startled everyone when they returned home with lumber and grapes from this distant land. They felt staggered, successful, and pleased, not disappointed, upset, or angry. They had no idea they were the first Europeans to arrive in the Americas. Their flexible thinking allowed them to see success where others would have seen failure.

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. May 28, 2022.?