The Secret Language of Connection

This week on the Next Big Idea podcast: A conversation with Charles Duhigg about how to unlock the secret language of connection. Listen on Apple or Spotify, and let us know what you think in the comments below.

Last week, on a date night, I shared some work frustrations with my almost perfect wife, Alisa. She gave me some sensible, constructive advice. And I was furious. Why? Because I didn’t want advice, I wanted commiseration. Fortunately, I had just had a conversation with Charles Duhigg about his excellent new book, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection.

Charles says there are three kinds of conversations:

1 - Practical (what is this really about?)

2 - Emotional (how do we feel?)

3 - Social (who are we?)

If you want to connect with someone, you have to be having the same kind of conversation, you have to match their state of mind. If you are not sure what conversation your spouse is having, you can ask, "do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?" Apparently what I needed was a hug, and empowered with this knowledge, I was able to tell her so.

Here are a few other fascinating learnings from my conversation with Charles:

When humans are studied in the wild, less than 20% of laughter is in response to “anything resembling a formal expression of humor.” So why do we laugh? Social anxiety? It turns out that laughter is a primal expression of a desire to connect. When we laugh with others, we feel safe, we feel connected, whether or not anything funny has been said.

Supercommunicators, whether they realize it or not, are highly attuned to all the subtleties of their conversation partners' speech. "When we click with someone," Charles tells us, "our eyes start to dilate in tandem, our pulses match, we feel the same emotions and start to complete one another's sentences in our heads." We become neurologically aligned. This is called "neural entrainment" and it feels wonderful.

Much of this happens automatically if we make the right choices -- if we make offerings of our vulnerability, for instance, which can initiate a cycle of emotional contagion. Our vulnerability triggers emotional connection which prompts questions, which creates more vulnerability. Another way in is to ask deep questions rather than shallow ones -- instead of asking where someone went to law school, ask why they wanted to become a lawyer. Shallow questions can be answered with facts; deep questions require people to explore how they feel and what matters to them.

One of my favorite insights from Charles is that we are all supercommunicators at times. And most of us also experience the frustration of failing to connect, at times. Effective communication, Charles tells us, is in the final analysis a set of skills that anyone can learn.

Here's why this topic really resonates for me — my favorite two word philosophy is from EM Forster: Only Connect. Human connection is, in the end, what our lives are all about. Each relationship, when you think about it, consists of a series of conversations. And each community is a collection of relationships. So great conversations beget great relationships, which in turn beget great communities. All of which is to say that getting better at conversation can profoundly impact our lives.

Supercommunicators, of course, is not only full of practical advice, but it's a beautifully written page-turner of a book. Charles has written for decades for the New Yorker and the New York Times, where he won a Pulitzer Prize.

Here's a favorite quote — “Every meaningful conversation is made up of countless small choices. There are fleeting moments when the right question, or a vulnerable admission, or a kind of word can completely change a dialogue. A silent laugh, a barely audible sigh, a friendly smile during a tense moment … “

Do you agree or disagree with the observations above? Let us know what you think in the comments below, and listen on Apple or Spotify.