The Secret of Influence No One Talks About

In the late 1800s, two men were locked in one of the fiercest political rivalries in British history. William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli were both brilliant, both deeply ambitious, and both vying to become Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

Gladstone was a powerhouse of intellect. He had an answer for everything, a mind sharpened like a blade, and a reputation for being one of the most knowledgeable men in politics. If sheer intelligence won elections, he was the obvious choice.

Disraeli, on the other hand, was a master of people. He had a way of making you feel like the most fascinating person in the world. His charm was effortless, his wit disarming, and his presence magnetic. He didn’t just talk?—?he made you feel heard. Where Gladstone commanded respect, Disraeli inspired loyalty. If elections were won by connection, he was the obvious choice.

As the election drew closer, who was going to win?

Enter Jennie Jerome. An American socialite living in England, Jerome had the rare opportunity to dine separately with both men just days before the election. Later, when asked who would win the election, she bet her cards on Disraeli. When asked why, she delivered a verdict that would forever define the difference between the two:

“When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman.”

That was the difference. Gladstone spent the evening proving his intelligence. Disraeli spent the evening making her feel intelligent.

And that is one of the reasons why Disraeli won the election.

What does this have to do with influence and success?

Every day, in business and life, we have the same choice that Gladstone and Disraeli had at that dinner table. We can focus on making ourselves look good, or we can focus on making others feel good.

The problem? Most people (especially highly competent ones) unknowingly take the Gladstone approach which is what I call in my book, “The Achievement Mindset”. They enter conversations prepared to prove their expertise, impress with their credentials, and showcase their value. But in doing so, they miss a fundamental truth: People don’t choose you because of how great YOU are. They choose you because of how great you make THEM feel.

Think about the last time you had a conversation with someone who made you feel valued, important, and heard. How did you feel about that person afterward? Were you drawn to them? Did you respect them more? Would you want to work with them, buy from them, or vote for them?

Chances are, you would.

Now, contrast that with someone who made you feel small. Maybe they were technically brilliant, but they dominated the conversation, dismissed your thoughts, or made you feel like you were being talked at rather than talked with.

Which person would you be more likely to trust, follow, or do business with?

Similarly, Disraeli understood something that most people overlook: Influence isn’t about making yourself the center of attention?—?it’s about making the other person feel like the center of attention.

And you can do that in three simple ways:

1. Ask Thoughtful Questions?—?Disraeli spent his dinner asking Jennie Jerome about her. He was fascinated by her opinions, her experiences, and her thoughts. When you ask someone a great question, you give them the gift of being heard.
2. Listen With Intent?—?Most people listen just long enough to respond. But influential communicators listen to understand. They lean in, nod, paraphrase, and make the speaker feel like their words matter.
3. Validate & Reflect Back Their Value?—?Disraeli didn’t just listen; he made Jennie feel intelligent. How? By validating her insights and making her feel like her words carried weight. Instead of trying to impress, he acknowledged her brilliance?—?and in doing so, became brilliant in her eyes.

At the end of the day, Gladstone and Disraeli were both brilliant men. But only one understood that people will always gravitate toward those who make them feel valued.

So, the next time you walk into a meeting, a networking event, or even a casual conversation, ask yourself:

• Am I listening to understand, or just waiting to speak?
• Am I proving my value, or am I reflecting their value?
• Am I playing the hero, or am I being the guide?

Because the truth is, the people who make others feel important never struggle for influence, success, or opportunities.

Just ask Benjamin Disraeli, and Jennie Jerome… who undoubtedly passed on this great lesson of influence to her son, Winston Churchill.

Christian

CHRISTIAN HANSEN has gone behind the scenes in some of the biggest organizations in the world to find out the reasons why some people get chosen and why others don’t. As the #1 bestselling and LinkedIn Top Ten ranked author of “The Influence Mindset: The Art & Science of Getting People to Choose You” Christian helps teams and organizations who want to stand out and be the obvious choice. With degrees from Brigham Young University and The London School of Economics, he’s helped thousands of individuals position and sell themselves. A fan of international communication, history, and choral music, he currently lives in Utah with his wife. Reach him at: TheChristianHansen.com