That secret i never told you

I woke up this morning so afraid, even my shadow gave me a scare. My wife told me i was speaking in my sleep, my fear had taken over my dreams. Even in my waking hours the dread filled my thoughts, what would be, what has been and what was going to be. For one so filled with words of encouragement for others, i could not see the sun, it was hidden so far from me, so much so as if it had never existed. Lost in my thoughts i could hear no one speak, sure i nodded and seemed to function but every corner and shadow drew my attention, my fear was my only companion. Like a sweater it hung on me, its cold embrace stifling every hope of happiness and peace.

My children laughed around me and i wondered what would become of them, would they remember me? Would people tell them of their father, what would they say? That he started off with so much promise but then was lost in limbo, an unfinished story, a chapter in someone else`s life, a footnote in a grander story, a forgotten episode for a long, long soap opera or an illusive shadow on a cold damp night. Would they make me out to be a better man than i ever hoped to be or the villain of every story. What would they say?

Like an old stereo, loved in its day, one which once held a prime space in the living room but now caste to the attic or closet, forgotten, lost and seldom thought of and even then only for briefest of moments. As i walked down the staircase i wondered at my life. Was this the end? Would i be the end of me? Past glory, old triumphs and worn out medals of valor for victories no one remembered, in battles no one cared for.

My fear, my glorious fear, my mistress, you will not leave me, you will not forget me, if i have no one else i am content, though you devour me slowly i welcome your end, or is it mine?