The Secret to Happier Relationships
Have you ever felt lonely, isolated or misunderstood? It’s difficult enough when you experience these feelings amongst strangers but it can be very uncomfortable when you feel this way when you’re with people who are supposed to be close to you. Unfulfilled relationships seem to be the order of the day in our busy and often chaotic lives. Perhaps it’s time to consider a better range of positive alternatives.
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
–?Carl Jung
Have you ever wondered why your relationships sometimes feel unfulfilling? Does the increasing strain between couples suggest a deeper malaise in our society? Are you one of the many who feel that something important must be missing?
If you’ve encountered these feelings in your personal life, don’t worry. You’re not the only one to feel this way. You’re not alone. The question that arises from these feelings of unease and dissatisfaction is to ask ourselves what could be going wrong in the vitally important domain of our personal relationships.
No road is long with good company.
—?Turkish Proverb
We are all social animals with a profound need for close personal connections with other members of our species.
In many ways, we could say that we are socially dependent on our fellow human beings for support, comfort, nurturing and for healthy psychological balance. Isolation is therefore a very difficult experience for most people. The quality of our relationships determines many aspects of our health, our wellbeing and our happiness. A nurturing and loving support group can make an enormous difference to our ability to withstand shocks, setbacks and trauma. This necessary form of social cohesion provided us with a distinct advantage during our early years as hunters and gatherers in a hostile and resource-poor environment. Co-operation was one of the keys to our survival. Caring for each other established deeply-rooted behaviours that offered significant advantages for our comfort and survival. These behaviours are just as important for our wellbeing today as they were two hundred thousand years ago. So, what’s interfering with our natural ability to care for one another and develop richly-rewarding relationships?
If you would be loved, love and be loveable.
— Benjamin Franklin
Some researchers have pointed out that the rise in our dependence on social media has replaced our ability to communicate effectively. Emojis and abbreviated texts do not equal good communication. As you might’ve guessed, the secret to effective communication is not in how well you deliver your message. The secret lies in your ability to listen and understand the other person. Texts and emojis do not listen. Perhaps the ancient notion that life is very much defined by the quality of our conversations continues to have merit. Take away the conversation - and the art of listening attentively - and we rupture the essential channel that enables us to understand one another. That’s a perfect recipe for cutting ourselves off from the people we really want to be close to.
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.
—?Joseph F. Newton
We could also interpret the underlying problem with unsatisfactory relationships in another way.
The fault in the system lies in the way that we tend to focus far too much on our own needs and problems rather than considering the needs of others. When we turn our attention inwards, it’s too easy to lose sight of our connections to other people. This doesn’t mean that it’s necessary or healthy to ignore your needs. Recognising your needs is a very helpful exercise in determining what might be missing in your life. But when you narrow your focus to the point where you’re unaware of the needs of others, you slip into a limited world which is emotionally unbalanced and unhelpful to your real needs.
By turning your attention outwards and considering other people’s needs, circumstances, challenges and perhaps even their sense of loneliness and isolation, you expand your awareness and discover better ways of understanding your own situation. We learn so much by interacting with others. We learn about ourselves and we recognise that our circumstances are rarely unique. By reaching out to others, we cross the apparent divide that separates us from our fellow humans and this is the great step that banishes the illusion of loneliness.
Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate.
—?Albert Schweitzer
In other words, if you’re feeling alone and isolated, neglected or misunderstood, turn your experience into something extraordinarily positive by getting in touch with someone who’s in need of love, care, understanding, a kind word or a simple gesture of support. You will be astonished at the change this simple gesture will make to you. By giving to others the very thing that you feel is missing from your life, you empower yourself and break free from the cycle of isolation that was causing your feelings of distress and anxiety. A positive gesture of this nature can set you free. Learning to listen to someone and showing them that you understand them as a fellow human being is a very powerful experience for both parties.
If we could encourage a more attentive and caring way of engaging with each other, building on shared conversations and deeper levels of understanding, we could eliminate the problems of feeling separated from the rest of the world and retake our rightful place amongst our fellow human being.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
—?Dale Carnegie
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The next time you’re feeling alone, isolated or misunderstood, turn the tables on your feelings and find someone you can help. This is the foundation for happier relationships on all levels of your life.
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And now for a refreshingly open guide to the best ways to improve your relationships.
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