The Secret Handshake & Other Rituals…

“What do you mean I'm not supportive?!??” My wife nearly yelled.

Shortly after we got married, I quit my job in a large firm — to build a new business unit for a global, but smaller firm.

After I accomplished what I had set out to do — I left again… this time to start my own technology company with my co-founder. ?

I moved to the US, with my wife and 6-month-old daughter.? Our start-up got acquired.? I moved back to our acquirer's Asia HQ in Singapore.? I left after a year.? I started another company.? We moved to Silicon Valley again.? We raised money.? We pivoted multiple times before shutting it down.? We applied for a resident visa in Australia and relocated to Melbourne. Had our son born there. I decided to move back to Singapore after 3 years.? I started another tech company.? Raised capital.? Moved to the Valley (again)… and…

“What do you mean I'm not supportive?!??”?

The fact is — my wife has been with me on this journey for the last 15 years since we got married.? But somehow, I felt like I wasn't being supported in pursuing my various goals, and I wasn’t sure why.?

Today — in a call with my coach, I realized why.

It’s All About Quality Time & Communication

When my wife and I first got married, we would spend the evenings together almost every single day.? That was 4 - 6 hours of high-quality time together daily.

When our first child was born, we continued to have lots of time together… until suddenly — our daughter started talking.?

And then our ‘share-of-conversation’ was divided.? Our son was born a few years after — and now…. Now we have two grown children and a magnitude of conversations at home every evening and weekend.

These conversations are one of the best things in my life, and there’s nothing I would change about them.? But quality time in conversation with my wife has dwindled — to possibly less than one hour of quality time each day (on average).

So — Today, I discovered the root cause of my ‘not feeling supported’.? It wasn’t that my wife was not supportive of the various adventures I set us on...?

I felt that way, simply because I experienced a dip in the amount of time we had for each other (after attending to our responsibilities as parents).

And so my coach suggested —

"If you don’t have the quantity of time you want… you need to have quality conversations.? Maybe you can find a simple act to (quickly) say — I’ve got you on this.”

“You mean like a secret handshake?”? I asked…

Exactly.

Creating Rituals...

I shared this insight with my wife when I got home just now.? And tonight, we developed two rituals for ourselves:

1. The Secret Handshake — We often get caught up with our commitments in parenting, homeschooling, and work.? That means — less time to communicate our support for each other.? So — It’s not a literal handshake… but we’ve developed a simple way to remind each other — “I’m here for you.? I’m here with you.? Our life goals are our shared goals.”
2. The Celebration — This is an important ritual for me.? I like to celebrate milestones, and hard work.? I like a lavish dinner, with wine, after I’ve worked hard, and feel like I deserve it.? My wife, in her prudence, has been saying to me — that there’s no need to celebrate so well, so frequently.? But today, we both realized it’s an important ritual to me.? And so, she’s all in on this now.

Secret Rituals are Communication Shortcuts

I think there can be so many more of such rituals that we can create, as a couple.?

But for now… that’s exactly what we need…

Two simple rituals for my wife and I to deepen our communication — even when we feel time-starved.