Secret Facebook research reveals the company is weaker than the competition in at least one deadly sin

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According to internal research documents that a whistleblower recently leaked to The CARROT, Facebook performs exceptionally well on user levels of wrath, pride, and envy, and is above average in sloth, greed, and gluttony, but significantly lags behind its social media competition on the potent dimension of lust. “Lust,” the internal Facebook report reads, “presents a significant opportunity for Facebook to improve active engagement, and strengthen the bonds between users. The carnal aspect of human nature is not anathema to Facebook. Recall that Facebook's origins were based on rating the hotness of Harvard women...”

Facebook scientists theorize however, that, at the current point in its friends-and-family evolution, lust will be a challenging sin for the company to exploit. Unfortunately, the deadly sins Facebook already excels at manifesting, such as envy and sloth, are often antagonistic to the free flow of desire.

A secret slide presented to Facebook's Oversight Committee underscored the challenges the company faces as it attempts to entice the sexiest of the deadly sins.

“The good news,” according to the strategy report entitled S*x and the Facebook, “is that, despite our relative lack of success leveraging lust so far, the massive experiment Facebook continues to conduct on humanity proceeds unimpeded. Significant effects on mental health, human trafficking (to be publicly described as “unfortunate employment situations”), and the proliferation of varieties of information are evidence of the success of our mission to utilize the seven deadly sins to give people power, and bring worlds closer together.”