The Secret to Effective Listening

Here’s the trick: We alienate other people by half-listening when they’re speaking. And most of the time, they know it.

Would you like to avoid this trap? Would you like to leave people feeling connected to you? Would you like to avoid problems before they start? If so, read on.  

Whether you’re managing people, speaking with a friend or client — or any other situation — one of the biggest blocks to true communication are known as Listening Blocks. They are poison for relationships, personal and professional. And they’re everywhere. See the list below for examples.

It’s amazing how common these communication blocks are. When you start to notice them in daily life, you’ll be amazed! They are generally at the center of any conflict you encounter: between boss and employee, husband and wife, and so on.

The secret to effective listening is to understand your Listening Block patterns, and to make a commitment to a more conscious, complete kind of listening. Listening with awareness.

Why Are Listening Blocks Such an Issue?

Show me two people who aren’t getting along, and I’ll show you a dozen ways that they’re only half-listening to each other. In fact, if you’re trying to create conflict, half-listening is a fantastic way of making that happen! Here’s a list of the issues caused by listening blocks.

Repeat Problems Caused by Listening Blocks

1. Confusion about “why other people do what they do”
2. Thinking others are lazy or unmotivated
3. Repeating yourself
4. Conflict and tension
5. Clique formation and gossip
6. Low performance, low engagement
7. Doing everything yourself because “everyone else is incompetent”

… And here’s what some of these repeat problems sound like: 

1. “I don’t get why she keeps doing that!”
2. “Didn’t he hear what I said?”
3. “Did you not get the message?”
4. “I already told you. Twice.”
5. “Wait… I thought that got set up last week? Ugh! What?!”
6. “Why do I need to babysit her all day?”
7. “I don’t understand why she doesn’t just do what I tell her…”

Simply put, Listening Blocks cause relationship breakdowns, create endless tension and prevent teams from performing well together. And most of us fall into these traps all the time — at home and at work. 

Better Listening = Better Communication

Let’s keep things on a positive note. Learning to be a better communicator is ALWAYS possible. If you’re committed to becoming a better listener, you can make huge changes in how you show up in your relationships. YOU can clean all of these problems up with awareness and consistent action! I’ve seen it happen.

Here’s a great exercise to identify your most common listening blocks and choose a more useful alternative. This is the first step to listening with awareness.

Exercise: The goal of this exercise is to increase your awareness of how and when you engage in blocked listening.

1. Think about the past 24 hours. Select your most commonly used block. 
2. Keep count: How many times did you use the block in one day?
3. With whom did you use the block most?
4. What subjects or situations usually triggered the block?
5. When you started to block, how were you feeling (write out any feeling that applies): bored   anxious   irritated   hurt   jealous   frustrated   rushed    criticized  excited   attacked   tired   preoccupied   hurt   stressed
6. What could you do next time you notice this block happening? How could you listen more actively? (For instance: paraphrasing, clarifying, showing more empathy, make more eye contact, change my body position…)

Conclusion: Make a Commitment to Listening

Make a commitment to yourself to listen today. Listen, free of judgments, free of labels, without rehearsing what you’re going to say… This might sound easier said than done. And it is! But with focused action, you can completely transform your listening skills. People will begin to gravitate to you. You’ll begin to have fewer people problems. You’re already on your way to being a master communicator — now, keep it up!

And remember the 4 A’s of Growth: Awareness, Acceptance, Action, Adherence.

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Andrew Vargas-Delman is a communication coach who teaches businesses effective and emotionally intelligent communication. To contact Andrew for individual or group coaching, or to book a speaking event, please visit: https://creativeactcoaching.com