The Secret to Creating a “Soul” Marriage

We live in a culture that is saturated in romantic illusions about love. From movies to ballads to fairy tales, we are steadily fed the notion that somewhere out there exists that one special person who will make our lives – and our hearts – complete. By the time we’re young adults, most of us have had the experience of falling in love, and of believing that this alone will set us on the path to Happily Ever After. We may know what love feels like, but few of us are equipped with the skills and insights necessary to create fulfilling and lasting partnerships. There is one radical paradigm shift that is required if we are to realize the full potential of a true soul partnership with another person: Rather than looking for another person to complete us, our primary focus must be on becoming complete within ourselves.

Of course, entering into a committed intimate relationship involves opening our hearts and sharing our dreams and ideals – and in some cases, our homes and material resources – with another. But for the relationship to continue thriving past the “honeymoon” stage, this sharing must always be a matter of choice and free will, and not a function of expectation, obligation, or dependency. Here are two powerful steps you can take to ensure that your relationship with your partner stays new, good-feeling, ever-evolving, and alive:

1.    Consider how you would treat a good friend whose happiness and well-being you genuinely care about, and make a commitment to see your partner through similar eyes. When they express an idea or an opinion, listen without attachment and becoming preoccupied with how their communication might affect you. For example, if your husband comes home beaming with excitement about the features of some new electronic gizmo, instead of immediately allowing concerns about the family budget to squelch his enthusiasm, interact with him as you would a good friend and take the opportunity to discover what it is about this particular thing that he finds so intriguing. Rather than becoming polarized in conversations about who’s right and wrong - or worse yet, assume that you already know what your partner thinks – seek to understand why he or she feels the way they do. If you approach your partner’s interests with genuine curiosity instead of impatience or judgment, you become someone that your partner knows is safe to open up to.  In other words, treat your partner with the same degree of respect, attentiveness, and warmth you would offer a client whose business you value, or a new friend that you’re interested in learning more about. When given the psychological space to do so, you’ll be amazed at the new aspects of him or herself that your partner may reveal to you.

2.    If you find that your happiness is conditional on your partner behaving in a particular way (and the way to discover this is to notice when you find yourself becoming upset by some aspect of their behavior), take a moment to first identify what you are feeling, and next to uncover the need within you that is not being met in this interaction. Then come up with at least three things you can do – independent of your partner – to meet this need.

For example, if your feelings are hurt because you perceive your partner as paying less attention to you than you would like, go beneath the sadness to identify what need of yours you were secretly relying on him or her to fill.  Is it a need for more excitement or engagement? A need to feel respected or loved?   Once you’re clear about the feeling that you have been looking to your partner to generate within you, you begin to see that you have the ability to generate it for yourself. For example, you could decide to create the experience of being engaged by getting involved in a sport or another pastime that you enjoy, or generate within yourself the emotion of respect by appreciating yourself for an accomplishment.  By taking a moment to clarify your emotions and the unmet needs that are sourcing them, you’ll begin to see that there are actually countless ways to generate for yourself the experience you were looking for from another.   

We all crave intimacy and connection, but if we become too enmeshed in another – and even the slightest bit dependent upon our partners to maintain our sense of happiness, we run the risk of losing our sense of self and the clarity of our own life purpose. When this occurs, relationships often grow apart, as each partner is internally compelled to regain their own autonomy. 

It takes some practice to maintain our sense of ourselves as whole and complete individuals even as we allow our hearts and dreams to merge with another. But without this foundation of wholeness, we may mistakenly come to view our partners as the source of our connection, and in our dependency, disallow the evolution that is essential for any long term relationship to thrive. Nature does not support dependency – not in the long run, anyway. As Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it be rather a moving sea between the shores of your souls.  Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”    

There is nothing more life-giving than to be in the presence of someone who takes responsibility for sourcing his or her own happiness – and nothing more draining than being with someone who thinks it’s your job to make them happy. Decide for yourself that your happiness – your connection, your confidence, and your sense of security and light-heartedness – is an inside job, and commit to tending to it regularly. Knowing that you are whole and complete within yourself is the secret to creating a true soul partnership with another. 

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