The Secret to Being a Compassionate Leader...

Start with Yourself!

In my post last week, I talked about the power of compassionate leadership. An often-overlooked component of compassionate leadership is that it starts with self-compassion.

Compassionate leadership is an approach that values empathy, kindness, and well-being.?

While many leaders focus on developing these qualities in their interactions with team members, it's important to remember that compassionate leadership starts with self. Leaders who are hard on themselves are more likely to be critical and unsupportive of their team members, sometimes without even realizing it. On the other hand, leaders who are kind and compassionate to themselves are more likely to extend that same kindness and compassion to others.

I’ll never forget the year I saw Brené Brown live at a conference – the standing-room only crowd, the palpable excitement emanating from every eager participant – it had all the energy of a Taylor Swift concert, just a few less bracelets. It was the first time I learned about her BRAVING model for trust, and I couldn’t wait to bring this gem back to our leadership team. But when she reached N in the model – nonjudgment – I was stopped in my tracks.?

Brené Brown: Do you judge your team when they ask for help?

Me: Absolutely not. I love when people ask me for help. I love being of service.?

Brené Brown: Do you judge yourself when you need help?

Me: Absolutely. I am an independent, self-sufficient, strong female leader in a male-dominated company. I need no help. Asking for help would make me look weak.??

Brené Brown: We can’t demonstrate nonjudgment of others for needing help if we judge ourselves when we need help.

Gulp.??I understood. Immediately. Then a rapid-fire self-reflection storm ensued...

Had my team felt I was judging them when they asked me for help? Was I unconsciously judging them for needing help? Why did I feel like I shouldn’t need help? Ever? Where did that come from? What did I think it would say about me if I needed help??Needing help would tell them I’m weak. Needing help would make me…vulnerable.??

In that moment, I realized I needed to start with myself and extend myself nonjudgement, which could only start with self-compassion. It wasn’t an overnight process; I grew up not feeling safe to be vulnerable. As I’ve learned about myself, connecting with others, and the importance of relationships in leadership, I’ve realized?it’s not only okay to feel vulnerable, it’s actually essential.??

What is self-compassion, and how can leaders cultivate it?

According to Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion, the practice involves three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.?

1. Self-kindness: This involves being warm and understanding towards oneself, rather than critical or judgmental. Leaders who practice self-kindness are more likely to be forgiving of their own mistakes and failures, and to treat themselves with the same compassion they would show to a friend or loved one.
2. Common humanity: This involves recognizing that suffering and imperfection are part of the human experience, and that everyone struggles at times. Leaders who recognize our common humanity are more likely to feel a sense of connection with others, rather than feeling isolated in their struggles.
3. Mindfulness: This involves being aware of one's thoughts and feelings without becoming overwhelmed by them. Leaders who practice mindfulness are able to observe their own emotions and reactions without getting caught up in them. This allows them to respond to situations in a more calm and thoughtful manner.

While these elements may seem simple, they can be difficult to cultivate in practice. Many leaders have been conditioned to believe that self-criticism and self-doubt are necessary to achieve success and it can be challenging to break out of this mindset.

Research has shown that cultivating self-compassion can have a range of benefits, including:

• Reduced stress and burnout: When leaders are kind and supportive of themselves, they are less likely to experience the negative effects of stress and burnout. They are also more likely to take time for self-care and relaxation, which can help prevent these issues from occurring in the first place.
• Improved well-being: Leaders who practice self-compassion are more likely to experience positive emotions like happiness and contentment. They are also more likely to have a positive outlook on life, which can improve their overall well-being.
• Better decision-making: Leaders who can observe their own emotions and reactions without becoming overwhelmed by them are better able to make thoughtful and strategic decisions. They are less likely to be swayed by their emotions in high-pressure situations, allowing them to make more rational choices.
• More positive work environment: Leaders who practice self-compassion are more likely to create a positive work environment for their team members. When leaders are kind and supportive of themselves, they are more likely to extend that same kindness and support to others. This can lead to a more collaborative and productive team dynamic.

So how can leaders cultivate self-compassion?

There are a variety of techniques that can be helpful, including:

• Practicing mindfulness meditation: This can help leaders become more aware of their own thoughts and emotions, and develop greater compassion for themselves.
• Using positive self-talk: When leaders notice negative self-talk, they can challenge these thoughts and replace them with more positive and supportive messages.
• Practicing gratitude: Focusing on the positive aspects of life can help leaders develop a more positive outlook and greater resilience in the face of challenges.
• Seeking support: Leaders can benefit from seeking support from trusted colleagues, mentors, or coaches. Having a safe space to express their challenges, fears, and vulnerabilities can provide valuable perspective and guidance.?
• Fostering work-life balance: Leaders often face high demands and responsibilities, but it's crucial to prioritize self-care and establish boundaries between work and personal life. Taking breaks, engaging in hobbies, and spending quality time with loved ones can promote well-being and self-compassion.?
• Learning from mistakes: Leaders should view mistakes and setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than sources of self-criticism. Embracing a growth mindset and reflecting on lessons learned can help cultivate self-compassion and resilience.?
• Cultivating a supportive work environment: Leaders can create an organizational culture that values self-compassion by promoting open communication, empathy, and understanding. Encouraging a healthy work-life balance, providing resources for self-care, and recognizing and celebrating achievements can contribute to a more compassionate workplace.

It's important to note that cultivating self-compassion is an ongoing practice that requires patience and self-reflection. By incorporating these techniques into daily life, leaders can enhance well-being, resilience, and ability to effectively lead and support their teams.

How do you practice self-compassion?

Is it difficult or easy for you?

Let me know in the comments...I'd love to hear your thoughts.

My upcoming Compassionate Leadership course provides deeper insights into self-compassion, why it’s important, and how to practice it.?

Join the waitlist from the Featured section of my profile?to be notified when enrollment opens and receive early-bird discount pricing.?