Secondary Gain: The Hidden Force Keeping You Stuck
Chandni Arora
As a Mindset Coach and Master Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) Practitioner I help women see their exact self-worth, boost their self-esteem and confidence to know exactly who they are and what they're capable of!
Have you ever found yourself stuck in a situation you don’t want, yet unable to move forward? Perhaps you feel lonely and long for a relationship, or you dread going to a job you dislike every day. On the surface, these feelings seem straightforward, however beneath them, there’s often a hidden layer of resistance, a subconscious reason why staying stuck feels safer than moving forward. This is called secondary gain.
Secondary gain is the hidden benefit we receive from holding on to our challenges or problems. It’s the “reward” we get from staying where we are, even if that place feels uncomfortable or unfulfilling. While the idea of benefiting from something negative might seem strange, it’s a powerful psychological mechanism that can keep us trapped. Let’s explore how secondary gain might show up and more importantly, how to break free.
The Lonely Single
You might feel lonely and want a loving relationship, however the idea of having a partner also means giving up certain freedoms. Right now, being single allows you to do what you want, when you want whether that’s binge-watching your favourite series all night, spending your money however you like or focusing entirely on your own needs.
This freedom is the secondary gain. While the loneliness might feel painful, the freedom feels safe and comforting, creating an inner conflict that prevents you from fully committing to finding a partner.
Solution To break free, you need to rewire your thinking and attach more pleasure to having a partner than to the current benefits of being single. Visualise how a loving relationship could enhance your life.
? Imagine sharing adventures, laughter and support with someone who truly gets you.
? Feel the warmth and comfort of being touched by someone you love. Those intimate moments of connection that flood you with a deep, intense sense of pleasure and belonging.
? Picture the comfort of a partner who holds you close during tough times and celebrates your victories alongside you.
At the same time, associate pain with staying single by asking yourself:
?? How will I feel in a year if I continue to feel lonely and disconnected?
?? What opportunities for love and happiness will I miss out on if I don’t take action now?
By vividly imagining the joy and physical connection a relationship can bring, you can prioritise the rewards of being in love over the safety of staying single.
Stuck in a Job You Hate
You dread Monday mornings and feel drained by a job that doesn’t align with your values or passions. On the surface, you want to leave, however the secondary gain of staying stuck might be financial security, familiarity or the avoidance of risk. Change feels scary and staying put even in discomfort feels safer.
Solution To move forward, attach more pleasure to finding a new job or career path than to staying in the current role. Visualise yourself thriving in a role that excites you.
? Imagine waking up energised, feeling fulfilled by your work and being surrounded by supportive colleagues.
? Picture the joy of having flexibility and freedom to design your work tasks and focus on the projects that light you up.
? Envision yourself in control, shaping a career that reflects your true talents and interests.
Simultaneously, associate pain with staying where you are:
?? How will your mental and emotional health suffer if you stay in this job for another year?
?? What life experiences, opportunities or happiness will you miss out on by not pursuing something better?
By focusing on the rewards of change i.e. freedom, fulfilment and flexibility and the costs of staying the same, you create a compelling reason to act.
Key Strategies for Breaking Free
A Final Thought
Secondary gain is a normal part of the human experience, and it doesn’t have to hold you back. By recognising its influence and intentionally associating more pleasure with your desired outcomes, you can break free from old patterns and create a life you truly love.
Remember, the pain of staying stuck often outweighs the temporary discomfort of change.
The choice to move forward is yours.
What will you decide?
What might happen if you embraced your true worth and stepped into a life filled with confidence and limitless possibilities?
??Download my FREE 'Overcome YOUR Limiting Beliefs' guide to unlock your true potential.
People and Connection Strategist | Founder and Director | Certified Chair | Life with sport & Lover of music
3 个月Great read Chandni - I really like this part "By recognising its influence and intentionally associating more pleasure with your desired outcomes, you can break free from old patterns and create a life you truly love."