The Second Instinct: How to be empathic when you’re annoyed

I talk a lot about the value of empathy in the workplace. If you manage others, or just work closely with other people, of course it’s useful to cultivate the skill of putting yourself in their shoes and trying to understand what they might be thinking or feeling. This kind of pragmatic empathy is crucial for finding ways to collaborate and resolve differences when tensions rise.?

I also talk a lot about the fact that if you want to reach some kind of insight into what might be making someone behave badly, it’s best to start by assuming that they’re not terrible people. It’s statistically likely that bad circumstances (rather than bad character) have caused whatever bad behavior you’re observing. Or in the words of my inner voice: “Remember - probably not a psychopath. Probably ‘good person having a bad day.’”?

Good person, bad airport

Airports can be great places to practice this ‘good person, bad day’ assumption. I use it at security, behind the person who’s slowly fussing with all their belongings and holding up the line. Okay. Perhaps they’re a nervous flyer, or they have arthritis in their hands, I tell myself. I practice it when faced with an official who’s yelling unnecessary orders at full volume, and I try to imagine that they’re at the end of a long shift or perhaps this is the first time anyone has given them a voice. I have to really work at it when someone doesn’t stack their bin after picking up their bag from the conveyor belt. But I usually get there.?

I wouldn’t want you to think, though, that I’m naturally good at doing any of this. I’m not. It’s one of the biggest psychological journeys I’ve been on in my life, to learn to assume good intent and stop taking things personally, and I work hard on it. It’s worth it, I feel, not only because you make better choices in difficult situations when you’re less irritated, but also because the world seems like a gentler place when you assume people are generally doing their best.

But I have to say, last Tuesday when I was traveling through Newark airport, I went right back to square one for a moment.?

I was heading to my gate feeling fairly relaxed, when out of nowhere I found myself face to face with a well-dressed but extremely angry man. He stood stock still and spat these words at me: “Thanks for walking in front of me.” I did a genuine double take. “I’m sorry, what?” He stared at me and said again, poison in his voice: “I said, thanks for walking in front of me.” And then stalked off. I looked around and saw people nearby gawping sympathetically.?

From instinct #1 to instinct #2

No big deal, really. But my heart was beating fast. Initially I froze, then a surge of full-fledged fight-ready annoyance flowed through my body, I spun round, and my first instinct was to yell something at his disappearing back. Truly, the only reason I didn’t was because I couldn’t think of anything sufficiently witty to say. And honestly, wit or not, in any case, what to say? What on earth was going on with him??

And boom. That’s my reliable pivot question when I can’t stop the first instinct of being bloody pissed off with someone. I say out loud: “What *on earth* is going on with them?” I start the sentence annoyed, but the “on earth” helps me vent a bit, and even though only a split second passes, by the end of the phrase what I call my ‘second instinct’ of curiosity usually kicks in. As in, genuinely – what is going on with that person who has just done something weirdly unpleasant? This curiosity is powerful, because learning engages our brain’s reward system – that’s why it feels good when we have an ‘aha’ moment – and that make it easier for us to get out of defensive mode.?

What on earth, though, seriously?

Rooted to the spot next to gate C121, I asked that question to anyone in earshot. In my head, I starting riffing. Perhaps the nasty natty man got some terrible news this morning. I found myself thinking that what I should have yelled, if anything, was “I hope your day gets better.” That made me smile, because, you know, I’m all about good days.?

Then I thought, maybe it’s not just today – perhaps he’s always like this. Maybe he’s just very privileged, and he’s just used to people getting out of his way. How sad. In that case, I felt I could still legitimately wish that his state of mind improved. Maybe that would have been the witty thing to shout: “I hope your mind gets better.”?

This took about 20 seconds. At this point, I had not become Gandhi. But my heart was beating less fast, and I felt I’d got to a point of ease with the unexpected confrontation. If he’d been a colleague of mine, I’d have been in much better shape to think intelligently about next steps.?

So I thought I’d share in case you’re in a tense situation where you just can’t get to the place of “loving kindness towards all living beings” as your first instinct. Even the basics of empathetic thinking might be too far a first step if you’re too riled up. In which case, allow your first instinct to be simply that you notice that you’re annoyed. And then make your second instinct one of curiosity. Say “what on earth is going on with them?!” Have some fun thinking about possible answers. And then, before you know it, there’s a chance you’ll be thinking more clearly and feeling better about the world – even the folks at Newark airport.?

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Practical empathy in the real world?

Instinct #1 – Notice your annoyance. Take a breath.

Instinct #2 – Channel annoyance into curiosity. Ask “What on earth is going on with them?” and genuinely have a go at answering.