Second-Hand Bullies

Second-Hand Bullies: A Reflection on Personal Growth and Empowerment

Throughout my life, I have experienced bullying in various forms. Looking back, it's challenging to comprehend why I was targeted. However, with the knowledge and insight I possess today, I can trace the origins of this mistreatment and understand the patterns that have followed me since childhood. Although some of these experiences are deeply ingrained in my past, I choose to focus on the lessons they have taught me rather than dwell on the pain.

I am an introvert by nature—the quiet one in the room. For many years, I remained in the background, rarely speaking up. But over the last eight years, I discovered that I have the power to control any room I enter if I choose to do so. This realization came not in spite of being bullied, but because of it. The trials I faced pushed me to understand my own strengths, and now I see that my journey has been one of empowerment.

Academically, I have always been capable. I graduated from high school as an honor student and went on to earn two associate degrees in completely unrelated fields—Diesel Technology and Business Management, Marketing, and Sales. Both times, I graduated with honors, maintaining a 4.0 GPA in my business degree. Despite these achievements, I was often plagued by self-doubt, particularly in areas like English and grammar, where I struggled. Spell check has been both a blessing and a curse in my writing. Despite my academic successes, I often questioned my worth, which, in hindsight, made me an easy target for bullies.

Understanding Bullies and the Roots of Their Behavior

Why do bullies attack others? At its core, bullying is often a reflection of the bully’s own low self-esteem. Bullies are frequently individuals who have themselves been victims of bullying. They lash out at others as a way to assert control or gain a fleeting sense of power. However, this power is superficial and temporary. It’s a negative boost that fills a void created by a lack of positive reinforcement in their lives.

Humans have an inherent need for attention, and when positive attention is scarce, some will seek out negative attention as a substitute. This behavior is often learned in childhood. A child who does not receive enough attention may begin to act out, creating a vicious cycle where bad behavior is rewarded with attention, reinforcing the idea that acting out is the only way to be noticed. Over time, this can escalate, leading some to become bullies as they grow older.

Not all bullies follow the same path. Some are shaped by negative environments at home, where they are teased, picked on, or degraded by family members. Others, like myself, may not have experienced physical abuse but still struggle with feelings of inadequacy due to their circumstances. In my case, being the middle child with an entitled older brother and a younger sister who was treated differently because she was the baby and a girl, left me feeling overlooked and undervalued.

Bullying as a Crime of Opportunity

Bullying, like many crimes, is often a crime of opportunity. It took me years to realize this, and it became clear when I experienced sexual assault second-hand. As I delved into research to understand the effects of trauma on victims, I found striking similarities between different forms of violence. My compassion for those who commit violent acts grew, but so did my intolerance for the acts themselves.

My most recent encounter with both second-hand and direct bullying occurred over several months. I remember clearly when I first recognized what was happening. It began with a survey I sent out, approved by my supervisor—a member of the C-suite—that asked staff how they and the people they served felt about their working environment. The survey seemed simple and harmless, but it quickly became a source of tension.

Shortly after sending it out, I received a message stating that someone else had already conducted similar research, and that my survey was unnecessary. The tone was not one of constructive feedback, but rather of condescension and dismissal. Despite explaining that the survey was meant to improve engagement and was approved by my supervisor, the bullying continued, albeit more subtly. The experience left me feeling attacked by someone who should have been fostering communication, not stifling it.

Color Theory and the Psychology of Environmental Design

During this project, I suggested the use of Color Theory—a practice that posits that colors and finishes can influence how people feel in a space. The CEO, who was in daily contact with me about the project, never mentioned any conflicting research. Yet, when I proposed this idea, I was met with resistance, not because the idea was flawed, but because it came from me.

Shades, which are darker versions of colors, can be depressing. Earth tones, which incorporate blacks and browns, are often used in modern design trends, yet they can have a grounding effect that may not always be positive. In contrast, tints—lighter versions of colors—can create a more uplifting atmosphere. The resistance I faced was not about the validity of my ideas but about the insecurity of others who felt threatened by my contributions.

As the project progressed, I realized that I had to be more cautious than others in my actions and words. Insecure people, when they feel their power or attention is threatened, will often lash out. It became clear that these individuals were more interested in preserving their status than in the success of the project. They even went so far as to accuse me of failing to provide necessary parts and tools, despite admitting that I had not been included in their planning. This pattern of behavior is typical of bullies who twist stories to cover their tracks and avoid taking responsibility.

Personality Types and Their Role in Bullying

To understand bullies, it’s helpful to consider personality types. One of my favorite personality tests uses animals to categorize people: the Otter, Retriever, Beaver, and Lion.

• Beavers are diligent, detail-oriented, and focused on facts. They are black-and-white thinkers, often excelling in roles like accounting or analysis.
• Retrievers are people-pleasers, loyal, and conflict-averse. They often find themselves in supportive roles, striving to belong and be recognized.
• Lions are competitive and often end up in leadership positions. They tend to make decisions quickly, sometimes without gathering all the facts.
• Otters are social and fun-loving but easily distracted. They seldom complete projects and often rely on others to do the heavy lifting.

Bullies tend to come from the Otter and Lion categories. Both types struggle with opposition and can become confrontational when challenged. Otters, in particular, may use Retrievers as tools for their bullying, exploiting the Retriever’s need for belonging and recognition.

Second-hand bullying, where a bully manipulates others to do their dirty work, is a subtle yet pervasive form of harassment. This can be seen in workplace environments where insecure managers or leaders ignore or ostracize those they perceive as threats. A simple "thank you" can go a long way in acknowledging someone’s efforts, yet in toxic environments, even basic politeness is withheld as a form of power play.

Dealing with Bullies and Finding Empowerment

Over time, I have learned how to handle bullies. My approach varies depending on the situation, but often, I find that ignoring them is effective. Bullies thrive on attention and power; when you refuse to engage, you rob them of both. This doesn’t mean I shy away from confrontation when necessary. On the contrary, I can stand up to a bully with calmness and clarity, explaining that their actions have no power over me. This often disarms them, as they are not accustomed to their tactics failing.

One of the most significant turning points in my life came when I realized my own worth. Ironically, this realization was catalyzed by an encounter with a bully. At a company where I worked, a high-level executive who frequently gave safety speeches was publicly engaging in a dangerous activity—using a turkey fryer filled with boiling water while dressed in shorts and sandals. Recognizing the risk, I quietly approached him and pointed out the danger. His dismissive response—telling me to mind my own business—was a moment of awakening. I realized then that titles, money, and education did not define a person’s worth. My observations and thoughts were just as valid as anyone else’s, regardless of their status.

This realization changed everything for me. I woke up the next day feeling empowered in a way I had never felt before. The years of being told I wasn’t good enough, of being made to feel inferior, fell away. I understood that my value was not determined by others but by my own beliefs and actions.

Can You Find Peace?

The purpose of sharing this story is to process the feelings that still linger. While I am not as affected as I once was, the memories of being bullied and the injustice of it all remain. Bullies often work in groups, which can seem irrational. However, within these groups, bullying becomes normalized, and those involved expect and perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

Today, I deal with bullies by understanding my self-worth. I no longer feel the need to respond to their provocations. I focus on being true to myself, knowing that I am more than capable of handling whatever comes my way. My journey has taught me that peace comes from within and that true empowerment lies in recognizing and embracing one’s value.