A seat at the table.

My mom’s side of the family is big. She has four brothers and sisters, and during my childhood, I remember family gatherings being chaotic. Full of joy and love and some of my best memories, but chaotic nonetheless. One of my distinct memories came during mealtime. Many years were spent sitting at the collapsable card table on the outskirts of the main table. Many of you remember the kid’s table and probably had some version of it at your family gatherings. As the oldest grandkid, I always had a disdain for sitting there. It was as if I was missing out on something important. There was always a feeling that I wasn’t valued enough to be at the main table. This was obviously a story concocted in my head, and nowhere near reality, and it’s funny that even at a young age I felt that a seat at the table would provide some sort of validation.

It is human nature to seek validation. We want to feel important, that what we do matters to others. Social media likes and comments are another huge way to seek approval. We need to be told we are doing well. We find it challenging to live life independently without the support of others. This stems from the desire to feel safe and secure within, it is linked to the overall feel-goodness of ourselves. I am no different, to be honest, seeking validation from others is probably one of my biggest weaknesses.

Don’t get me wrong, validation is important, and any good leader knows that they need to tap into the validating needs of the people they lead. But what I have come to learn is that a lot of validation presents itself in two ways. Either validation is given out just for the sake of validation without any true merit behind it, or there is a disconnect between what should be noticed and applauded and what is really being noticed and applauded. There are many hollow awards and honors given out just because. There are many people who have a proverbial seat at the table not based on merit or a track record of success. They don’t make waves or rock the boat and that is value enough. Game changers are usually the ones that don’t receive validation because they aren’t seeking it in the first place.

I am flying back from a national conference in Minneapolis. I lead a session on the book Mavericks- How Bold Leadership Changes the World. In this book, there are dozens of stories of “normal” people who did and are still doing extraordinary things that are making a difference in the lives of millions. Each of their stories are different but there is one thing that they all have in common. They did not wait for a formal invitation to the table. They pulled up a chair and created their own seat.

Creating your own seat will not come without some pushback and you need to strike a balance. You can’t just expect to sit down and be served. You need to sit down with a full plate of food that you prepared yourself. That preparation doesn’t happen overnight. The best way to prepare a seat is to live life by these principles.

Be a leader of ideas and initiatives more than people and plans.

Prefer to learn from others rather than be admired by others.

Be brave enough to fail personally in order to succeed collectively.

Place effective deeds ahead of worthy thoughts.

Be more interested in the why and how than the what and where.

A good leader is known for what they do, not who they are. Creating your own seat at the table requires leading by example. It is the cause you serve, and the manner in which you serve that will attract people to you. If you are inspired by a problem in need of a solution, a change that needs to be made, or an opportunity to right a wrong, you will not only find a seat, but will eventually be the head of that table.