Seasons of Life

This is a piece I have looked forward to writing for a long time.? The idea has been bouncing around in my mind for years.? I am so happy to have finally wrestled the words out of my head and onto the page.?? This is definitely one of my favorites so far - a piece I feel proud of.

I hope it makes you feel something too.

Many years ago I read a book called The 4 Season Diet.? The concept was pretty simple:? Eat foods based on what naturally grows in each season.? More greens in the spring.? Lots of fresh ripe fruits in the summer.? Try more tubers and beans in the fall.? Load up on heartier meats and potatoes in the winter.??

The book asserted that there was a natural way to do all things, including eating. For optimal health humans would be smart to respect this natural order and behave in alignment with this truth.? When it came to food, apparently we would do better if we followed a seasonally based diet.? Since this is how humans ate for many centuries the premise is that over time our bodies became accustomed to this way of eating.? By following this more natural way the author said we would better assimilate our food and extract more nutrients.? Just because today we can get pineapple in December, does not mean we should eat pineapple in December.? Eating out of season is against nature.? The book encouraged us to always embrace the most natural way.

The overall idea made sense to me.? I could relate to craving mostly “seasonally appropriate” food.? I enjoy soup more in the winter and prefer smoothies in the summer.? I concluded there was probably something to this idea, but it wasn’t compelling enough to make me want to give up strawberries year round.? The book didn’t end up changing how I eat, but it did make me more curious about the idea that there is a nature to things.? Food and otherwise.? A sort of seasonality that exists across many vectors of life. ? In fact, I wondered…

Is life itself a journey through the 4 seasons???

. . .

We are born into spring.? Tender young green shoots.? Full of potential and promise.? Delicate, requiring intense nurture and care. ? Our flexible minds and bodies quickly assimilate new skills and experiences.? How we are planted will shape how we grow.? Like a sponge we take on the qualities of the soil around us.??

Our openness to new ideas and experiences leads to rapid development and growth. Resilient young blooms transition to full blossom.? Soon we are taller, full of opinions and epiphany, asserting the meaning of life over drinks at a college bar. ? Confident due to our rapid ascent; but blissfully unaware that our shoots are still tender.? Flimsy.? Physicality expands and we find ourselves suddenly full grown. Ready for the summer of our lives.??

Bold and beautiful we are ready to take on our life adventures! Days are long and energy is high.? We sleep less; play more.? Full of exuberance we fly through our world tasting and trying all of earth’s experiences.? Experimentation makes us more confident, but also more unsure.? We strengthen convictions in our points of view, yet are still not certain on which hills we will die and on which we will build our homestead.? We reach the apex of our beauty and strength.? There is so much to do and try!? We accumulate more. We feel invincible through the fun in the sun of our 20s and 30s.? It seems that summer will never end.??

Then the air starts to cool and it feels that fall may soon be upon us.? The commitments and possessions of summer start to feel heavy.? Vacation is nice, of course, but something is telling us it’s time to go home.? Playing in the surf is amusing yet we wonder, is there something more?

We ignore the gnawing feeling to change.? Summer is so much fun!? The warmth is comfortable.? Saying no to exciting opportunities is difficult.? Instead we optimize; we make it work.? We are proud to be so efficient, ignoring that our lack of life margin has left many leaves on our late-summer branches hanging by only a thread.? We keep all 27 priorities and commit to fit them into 24 hours.??

Until one day we can’t.

Days get shorter and our energy dips.? The long days of summer retreat.? Optimization yields to prioritization.? Just as the leaves shed from the autumn trees we shed identities and start to focus on what really matters. ? We go home.? We deepen roots and relationships. ? We come back to ourselves.? Unraveling.? Back towards who we really are, or rather who we have always been.? More grounded.? ?

We accept that to best enjoy fall we must let go of some of summer’s pleasure. ? We prioritize.? There is less golf.? Social circles shrink.? Bushes must be pruned to grow most effectively.? Nonetheless, leaving little parts of our summer selves behind feels disorienting.? A bit like a crisis.? Midlife is graying and confusing. Up and down.? We put on a warm sweater only to find ourselves too hot by mid afternoon.??

The still air quiets self-doubt a little; confidence again begins to rise.? Skin thickens.? With age wood becomes more dense, solid.? We stand firmer in our convictions and beliefs.? As branches and hair thin, the view through the forest becomes less distorted, but it is still not perfectly clear.??

Petals fall as youth and beauty begins to escape us.? Health concerns creep in.? Nothing is really wrong (phew!), but we are left more aware of the volatile nature of weather.? As the flowers droop we understand it is their temporary nature that makes them so beautiful. We become nostalgic about summer and spring.??

We worry: winter is coming. ? The satisfaction that comes with feeling we might just be starting to understand this thing called life is offset by the faint panic that it might be too late.??

Did I use my days wisely?? Do I still have time???

By the time winter arrives the winds have calmed down.? We are dressing more appropriately.? Choosing more sensible shoes.? We settle back into her natural rhythm. Up early, mornings are cool and crisp.? Bedtime is earlier, following the natural darkness.??

Frozen ground encourages us to move slower; still we are reluctant to acquiesce.? But those tender green shoots are harder now, more brittle.? If we are not careful the branches and bones can break. Cracks emerge in not only our physical form but in our long held opinions and beliefs.? With each fracture pent up emotions are released and a little more light finds its way in.? We judge less.? We see the truth.? We realize there is only love.?

The crisp blue sky is more clear now.? Glory unmatched.? As if for the first time we see the masterpiece that is this life.??

We begin to understand we can’t push or rush nature, so we go slower.? Like all plants take time to go from seed to harvest, we grow to appreciate that winter’s sageness could not have been possible without the preceding spring, summer, and fall.? We see the beauty of every season, grateful for each experience that is forever a part of us.? And us, forever a part of it.? Gratitude settles deep into hearts.? Omnipresent.???

There is an unexpected beauty to winter.? It is softer, more peaceful.? We reflect; we invest more in legacy and future generations.? The old oak tree provides shade for the young saplings.? We see the silliness that was our plans, and the wisdom that was our journey.??

With white hair comes the white snow.?

Then stillness.??

The plants go to seed and find their way back into the ground.? Our stories and DNA live on through future generations.? We live on in the memories of those we touched over our blessedly short four seasons.??

The game of circles repeats. ?

. . .

The parallels between life and the four seasons are hard to deny, if not only because of the metaphorical abundance, but also because of the consistency with which we all seem to experience each phase.

It seems we are all going through the same “big picture” things at about the same time, no matter what our walk of life or circumstance.? That can’t be a coincidence, can it???

As I entered the fall of my own life I was struck by how many others in my similar age and stage were experiencing the same feelings.? You could label what we were going through a midlife crisis, or maybe a midlife awakening.? No matter what the name, it seemed we were all tangled up in a very similar transition.? While I wanted to believe what I was feeling was unique to me (like the self-centered little spring I used to be), the experience of summer and fall showed me that conclusion would be shortsighted.

I remembered first loves and the consistency with which we all believed, “No, YOU can’t possibly understand!? What WE have is different!? It’s real!” ?Such a cute spring comment, right??

What really struck me was the breadth of people, from all different walks of life, that felt just how I did. Friends, acquaintances, strangers on reality TV shows, podcast guests... the list went on and on. ? I was noticing midlife unravelings all around me.? It seemed no one, regardless of gender, geography, wealth or otherwise, was immune to this right of passage.

Mother Nature was coming for all of us.???

Flashing back to my 20s I recalled a similar set of feelings.? The transition from spring to summer had also been a prickly one.? After a few drinks most of my contemporaries would share fears and concerns similar to mine.? Were we on the wrong path?? Do I have what it takes to “make it”? ? Is this really “it”??

Now when I chat with someone in this stage I want to smile and exclaim, “Oh honey, you aren’t in a crisis, you are just 20!? It’s spring!? We all feel like this at your stage in life.”? My aging inner voice whispers to me that saying this would be condescending, so I try to bite my tongue.? I imagine most people in winter would look at my fretting and have a similar reaction.? “Oh Melissa, you aren’t in a crisis, you are just 40!? It’s fall!? We all feel like this at your stage in life.”? Kindly, they also bite their tongue, allowing me to experience my own journey.?

Maybe this is why it can be difficult to learn from others.? Or, said another way, why it is difficult to learn from someone who is in a different season than you.??

As parents we try so hard to help our children understand the lessons we have learned.? But yet, they often need to learn it for themselves.? The hard way.? First hand.? Never did a conversation that started with “Back in my day….” ever land with its intended audience. A wealthy man in the winter of his life can say over and over that money did not buy him happiness but us spring chickens sure still want to try it for ourselves. ? Newlyweds are often keen to offer advice and criticism of their parents' marriages; but it is in the absence of the context that only decades of partnership can bring.? When we are in different seasons, it’s hard to really see each other.??

I remember seeking a lot of advice in my 20s and 30s about parenting from older working women who had been there and done that.? While I picked up a few helpful tidbits, sadly I found myself mostly judging them.? Thinking I would never make those kinds of trade offs.? I told myself that I would do it differently!? I saw their stories more as cautionary tales rather than advice.??

I remember one woman sharing that when she missed her daughter’s dance competitions she would just have her perform the dances at home, over a glass of wine.? “Much more relaxing!” she laughed.? Another told me about a place for the ultimate family vacation where Dad can golf, Mom can spa, and kids can go to Kids Club.? My pregnant self was appalled that these mothers didn’t prioritize their children's events or want to be together on a “family” vacation.? It wasn’t until many years later when I streamed my son’s first dance recital through a tear drenched iPhone alone in a hotel room in China, or booked my first “Kids Club” vacation because I really needed a break, that I got it.? I wish I could have had the empathy to connect with what they were telling me.? I just couldn’t hear it in my season.?

Our closest confidants, the ones that really “get us”, seem to most often be those in the same or similar circumstances.? Not to say we can’t learn from everyone, but I can relate to often feeling most seen and heard by those in the same stage or season as me.?

While we want to think we are unique, going through our own individual journey, is what we are each experiencing actually much more predictable and similar to others than we appreciate? ? Maybe on top of being individuals with unique circumstances we are, more importantly, part of the same single human class with a large body of emotionally shared experiences.? If so, we are less alone than we think.? Finding others in our shared season could be a great source of support, acceptance, strength, and camaraderie.?

To try to summarize what might be consistent among the seasons, I made this tidy little table.? How annoyed I am with myself for taking a topic so big and mystical and trying to distill it into lines and bullet points?? Very. (What happened to swoopy handwriting and run-on sentences?).?Nonetheless, here it is.

. . .

Next, a big question.

If it is true that life really is a series of 4 natural seasons, and there is indeed a natural order to things, then might life be best lived in a way that honors and is in accordance with those seasons???

In other words, does living in a way that is “seasonally appropriate,” bring more feelings of joy, satisfaction, and feeling like we are living “right”? ? Does living out of alignment with our current season bring feelings of unrest, anxiety and depression??

Trying to wrap my mind around questions like these enchants me.? It also makes me dizzy with confusion.??

It is in moments like this I sometimes yearn for the arrogance of my summer years.? When I could form a point of view and defend it with an overzealous, unearned confidence.? So convinced I had it all figured out.??

The more years that go by the more I am reminded that I don’t know it all.? The wisdom I am earning in my early fall shows me how often I see an incomplete picture.? That, alas, I am not always right.? A budding humility that reminds me how much I still have to learn.????

Yet despite my trepidation to speculate on such a massive topic, especially the exploration of winter (a season I have not yet personally experienced), I am simply too curious not to try.??

If it is natural to crave blueberries in summer and meat in the winter, maybe it is just as normal to crave variety in the spring and focus in the fall.? Like there are “seasonally appropriate foods,” perhaps it follows that humans naturally crave “seasonally appropriate” life experiences.?

The more I reflect on my own life, the more I think this just might be true.??

While I still appreciate variety and novel experience, my appetite for this was definitely stronger when I was younger.? I am more settled now in my fall.? FOMO has been happily replaced with JOMO.??

I felt best at 30 when I was trying to be 30.? Embracing the stage I was in (at that time, new motherhood) consistently brought me more joy than did trying to relive the late nights of my 20s.? Playing house and trying to act like a settled down 45 year old that had it all figured out didn’t bring me much real joy either.? It was better to simply be where I was.

Does this mean that if we fail to change seasons when it is time, this could become a source of suffering? Is it possible that those deepest in crisis are those that fail to embrace the phase that they are in???

Again, I think the answer is yes.? Or at least maybe.? Plenty has been written about “Peter Pan” syndrome (or as the Jungians called it "The Puer Complex" - puer being Latin for "child"), a term used to typically describe men that fail to grow up.? While on the surface it might seem enjoyable to be living an endless summer into your 50s and 60s, there is a lot of psychological research indicating this is actually pretty tough on long term mental health.??

The same can be true for children who, in the spring of their lives, are required to take on more mature fall responsibilities.? Just as it would be unfair to ask someone to live in winter when only wearing a bathing suit, it must be equally uncomfortable to be forced to reside in a season that is not naturally your own.????

While I probably won’t ruin my life if I still want to enjoy a few strawberries year round, I am starting to believe that I will feel most aligned if I get most of my nourishment from the season I am in.

“Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life.”?

- Siddhārtha Gautama

. . .

Navigating changing seasons is tricky.

Sometimes it takes a while for the weather to decide if it’s winter or spring, summer or fall. ? Transitions between life seasons can be equally difficult to predict and manage.? Bored in fall, we try to live like it is still spring.? We yearn to recapture our summer youth in the winter.?

In Ayurveda, an ancient holistic and natural medical system, much is written about the danger of seasonal transitions to one’s physical health.? Vedic knowledge encourages people to take extra care of themselves as the seasons change because this is a time when it is easier to become ill.? They even have special “panchakarma” treatments designed to help the body deal with seasonal changes.? I had heard of seasonal allergies but, before learning about this, I never considered the extent of how seasons may impact our health. (Although now that I think about it I almost always get sick at the start of every winter!).? If this is true, it’s not a huge leap to believe that life’s seasonal transitions might be just as hard on our minds as the physical seasons can be on our bodies.?

Could these seasonal transitions simply be a natural part of human development?? Periods of transformation and potential dis-ease in our minds as we adjust to our new environment?? An alternative way to describe and explain the so-called (quarter, mid, later) life crises?

Spring to Summer [Quarter Life Crisis]:?

It is time to bloom and make it on our own, but the childlike cocoon of spring is difficult to release.??

It’s hard to let go of spring.?

Summer to Fall [Midlife Crisis]:

The carefree fun of summer tempts us to live in Margaritaville forever.? But increasing commitments and lowering energy require more rigorous pruning and prioritization.

It’s hard to let go of summer.

Fall to Winter [Mortality Crisis]:

The slower pace of autumn provides time to reflect and (finally!) glimmers of understanding present as to what really matters. Facing limited time left we worry if we spent enough time on the important stuff and if there is enough time left to pivot.? We begin to contemplate death and legacy.?

It’s hard to let go of fall.

Winter to Spring [Death Crisis]:

The inevitability and finality of loss is difficult to accept.???

It’s hard to let go (period).

?

. . .

All of this to say…??

Are seasons of life real??

I find comfort in believing the answer is yes.? In the knowledge that we are more alike than different; that we are not alone.? It helps me to appreciate there is both a predictability and inevitability to each of life’s seasons.??

I can relax a little more, reminding myself that I can’t force the seasons to change.? I must feel where I am.? There is no going forward; no going back. ? While sometimes it is nice to be nostalgic about the past or get excited about the future, I can only be where I am.??

The seasons show me that life’s transitions are coming and that it is perfectly normal if they feel hard.? Instead of struggling against my natural feelings I can choose to be more gentle with myself.??

I can do my best to simply enjoy each part of the journey that is my one perfect and precious life.?

. . .

What do you think?? Could life really be a predictable series of four seasons?? If so, is there wisdom in living in congruence, to being where you are???

Did anything in this piece feel true for you too?? What would you change based on your life experience?