Season 3, Chapter 3, 'The Classified Adventures of Owl' - in which Don Horny is foiled by a Phantom Corsair, P-Hooty goes batty and Owl gets surreal.

Cover painting: Pablo Picasso: Don Quixote (1955)

Story so far: Horny has flown his cage just before he was about to stand trial for treason to the World-Wide Wood in the NZ Bush of the Hundred Acre Wood, so afraid of our hero Owl he is. He has corrupted Nestor the cheeky NZ Kea, his jailer, and taken him with him as his Pancho Sanza to the Santiago di Compostela in Spain looking for The Don and dragons.

The Camino

Santiago di Compostela (the Way of St. James), Galicia, Spain

Owl is the life and soul of the Carnival and ponders his betrayal by the Princesse de Lafayette and P-Hooty bares his neck to both the Baron and the Princesse. Owl needs a True Hero to help him prevail over these zombies so........... introducing H.H. El Principe Gabriel Garcia Raimundo de Grande Manchegot, El Marquez de Corsair (buho noctambulo).

Read on...

Owl: Bonjour, Hola, comment se portent-ils, mes amies et amis? I'm told I'm having too much fun at the Noo-Owl-eens Carnival and I need to get down to the serious business of capturing P-Hooty. I've had word that Horny has escaped with the help of that stupid Kea again. I give up. Kea has served his limited purpose and needs to be sent back to Security Kindergarten. He was last seen gallivanting on holiday with Horny on the Santiago di Compostela in Spain. Horny's using him as a useful idiot just like Lyin' Traitor Barney Owl did. When I catch him there'll be trouble and he'll be back to chewing windscreen wipers in the tourist car parks of the NZ mountains if I have anything to do with it!

So, mes amigos, I have my owlet spies out and P-Hooty has been seen rubber-necking with Baron Samedi and Princesse Brandywine at the cemetery. That might be risky for him but I want him alive not bloody well dead [Ed: sorry, Owl swore. Most unusual for him. He must be under extreme provocation and frustration!]. I'll high tail it back to the Carnival in my disguise and get lost in the crowds. I won't be sticking my neck out this time!

Cut to the Quarto at the Cemetery where the Baron Samedi, the Princesse and our antihero P-Hooty are having a convivial drop poured by the Baron's servant Fang.

P-Hooty (with a thousand-year stare): I have found my true calling. Vampiric bats have long been a hobby of mine. Princesse, shall we repair to the Carnival to locate Owl and steal his soul, cher?

Princesse Brandywine: (sated with neck) Mais oui, milord.

By Majestic Pictures (site) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The Baron: Here, you may need this for ease of transportation.

https://cdn.thegentlemansjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1930s-cars-TGJ.10.jpg

Cut to the Carnival where a disguised Owl is hiding in plain sight as a cat-owl fingering his jeu-jeu.

Owl: Bless my soul! They are nowhere to be seen. I say, this Carnival is getting tacky. I need to take active measures against someone - Horny will have to do until I get P-Hooty alone. I'm outnumbered and my sweet soul is threatened in this steamy place. I'm getting a bit febrile and need calmer air. I will use my new Owlmobile.

https://cdn.thegentlemansjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1930s-cars-TGJ.10.jpg

Cut to Spain at the start of the Way of St. James where Horny is astride his sidekick Kea looking for the Don. Suddenly he comes across an aristocratic gentleman with sabres and foil.

Horny: Halt, amigo. Who goes there?

Angelo Agostini [Public domain or Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Introducing H.H. El Principe Gabriel Garcia Raimundo de Grande Manchegot, El Marquez de Corsair in his 1937 Phantom:

https://cdn.thegentlemansjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/1930s-cars-TGJ.10.jpg

Gabriel: Hola Horny, it is I, your nemesis, El Principe Gabriel Garcia Raimundo de Grande Manchego, El Marquez de Corsair. You can call me Ray.

En garde!

Night Owl (buho noctambulo).

?Rapiere-Morges-Kitsch

Horny: Who sent you? Was it that bete noir Owl? En garde!

Gabriel: Owl is a good friend of mine although, between you and me, he is very naive, nuts and inexperienced and has a penchant for swearing. He makes up for it though in native cunning and is good for a laugh! He does, of course, come from the NZ Bush which is not high on my elevated radar. I, on the other hand, am of royal blood and descended from the Grande Manchego branch of the Quixote Family [Ed. not related to the Quijotes from La Mancha].

En garde, yourself, Don Horny Quijote de la Mancha!

Don, the Horny and Gabriel, the Phantom, his adversary, proceed to duel. Gabriel manages to foil him and touches his tip to Horny's beak, a sign of dominance. But Horny will not surrender without a fight so proceeds to break all the rules of kombat. Gabriel, however, is too strong for him and, in a potent mix of swordplay, athleticism and tactical maneuvering, manages to subdue the Man of La Mancha with a fast lunge, flunge, parry, Passata Sotto, riposte, feint and a cunning Second Intention. Qué batalla real!

Gabriel:(modestly) I will take that round Horny. Can I help you up?

Horny: Jolly decent of you, old man. I suppose I'm your prisoner now, am I?

Gabriel: Well, yes, those are the Rules of The Combative Wing of The Order of the Corsair. Come along, I have a nice cave waiting for you. I say, you are taking this well.

Horny: good breeding in the Queen's neighbourhood.

(thinks: I'll play along with this foppish aristo)

But suddenly, on the turn of a windmill, an apparition appears. It is Carmen Gala Concepcion, the lover of El Principe de Corsair.

Photograph: Man Ray

Carmen: Hola, my Phantom Lover. Man up, Ray, you were supposed to meet me in Bilbao last Tuesday between 5pm and 7pm. Where were you, mi corrido?

Gabriel: Zut alors, foiled again! But your husband, my dear girl!

Carmen: Alas, he died last Monday. He is buried and we were to have a Dali-ance! I drove all the way on my pink wheels.

Gabriel, Principe Corsair: I thought I'd put you to work rolling my cigarettes. My bad.

Well, Carmen, I think I'm too old for you and besides, I have to keep moving. My ex The Marschellin is looking for me for unpaid Owlimony.

Photograph: Salvador Dali, Wikipedia

Carmen: (pouting daintily) I don't care, mi Principe. I will match your sox and sharpen your sabres and foils. I love you.

Gabriel: No you don't and you are very inconvenient and an embarrassment right now. I'm busy working. I have to take Horny to jail.

Owl arrives missing all the dangerous action and in time to confront El Principe.

Owl: Hold your chariot, El Principe. Horny is mine. I will let you have P-Hooty if you can find him. He's on his way here. We can do a prisoner swap. Horny must stand trial but you can just put P-Hooty in a dungeon somewhere. But I must warn you he may have turned into a Ghede Loa, Maitre Carrefour. That is a dangerous evil spirit of the Crossroads. He was bitten on the neck I understand by my betrayer, the Princesse Brandywine Belle Beausoleil du Bourbon de Lafayette. She has been dealt with.

Owl to Carmen: Hola, my beauteous flamenco dancer. Would you like to come with me to Bilbao instead?

John Singer Sargent [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Next time: Owl takes Carmen to Bilbao to the chagrin of El Principe Gabriel Garcia, Marquez de Corsair, P-Hooty arrives in Spain and El Principe meets his match in an epic showdown.

Pamela is an Auckland writer, poet, political commentator and satirist currently undertaking the Masters of Conflict and Terrorism Studies course at the University of Auckland, New Zealand.

She has had several previous professional incarnations as an experiential psychotherapist, business coach and family lawyer. She loves owls, ballet, hot air balloons, carnivals, circuses, bals masque, Fiat cars and surrealism.