The Search For Presence

True presence isn’t just about being present—it’s about being seen and felt in every moment.

For a long time now, the idea of ‘presence’ has crept up on me like a spectral being that I’ve not yet been fully able to put my arms or words around.

Early Memories

Over my lifetime, to date, while every person I meet leaves a trace, I can probably count on one hand the people that I feel have had a huge impact on my life due to their deep presence.

Real presence is about creating a deeper connection.

I still recall a professor from many years ago at university where we spoke about Turkish rugs at length in his office for several hours (we both missed lectures!). It was not the rugs that had impact, it was his presence and listening.

Recent Thinking around Presence

I have recently read many books, posts and articles that touch on Presence, including a great LinkedIn Post by Kinga Bali describing the impact of executive presence, both how we think about this, but why most leaders do not achieve it:

Kinga expresses importantly why it matters, and how you can start to embrace presence as part of your own ‘turning up.’?

However, I want to go deeper.

I have spent a lot of time with many senior people around the world, and while they have authority and knowledge, their presence is not always as impactful as you would expect.

Think about it – when did you last spend time with someone, and found them distracted, on email, or their phone, not looking at you while you speak - interrupting, or just not listening?

How did that make you feel?

Safe, ready to share, to think?

Did you feel Important?

I would guess not.

I do fear that your memory may have been very recent, and not a one off.

Let’s be very clear –

A title does not give you presence. A title does not make you a leader.

I believe presence is far more than this.

My friend, Lucia Baldelli MCC , alludes to the presence of a Master Coach beautifully in her post - The presence they hold, and the feeling it creates.

She explains that it was one of the reasons she strived to achieve that level of Mastery:

“It felt so intimate and natural that I could hardly believe it. My coach created such a safe space that I could dive deep into my challenges and feelings without any filters. I was completely authentic and vulnerable, almost like I was having a conversation with myself rather than with someone else.”

Going Deeper - How do we Create Real Presence?

As we are seeing, presence is complicated. It takes work. It’s about self-awareness, and so much more.

It is obvious that ‘being present’ is a core part of presence, but on its own is not what creates the “feeling” of presence.

When you truly experience the positive presence of another human being, this is a deep emotional feeling. It encapsulates safety and warmth, and the few experiences I have had of that type of presence is all encompassing.

When one becomes a coach, we sign up to extensive codes of conduct. The International Coaching Federation has a core competency around ‘Maintaining Presence.’

The coach:

“…Is fully conscious and present with the client, employing a style that is open, flexible, grounded and confident.”?

There are several requirements here, including managing emotions, curiosity, and creating space to think.

But is this deep presence?? The type of presence that is life changing?

I would argue its not enough on its own.

Helminski (2000) elucidates that

“Presence is the way in which we occupy space, as well as the way we flow and move. Presence shapes our self-image and emotional tone.? Presence determines the degree of our alertness, openness and warmth.”

This is now moving in the right direction for me – because when you see and feel presence, its not just about words, it is about how someone occupies space, and how they make you feel.

Literally in the way they move.? The way we are.

I personally think ‘presence’ goes beyond the sum of actions that we can take.

The more I research, reflect, and think about this, the more this becoming a ‘way of being.’ An embeddedness in who we are, the way we present ourselves.

Attributes of Presence

In my own experience the following attributes combine to create presence. While we can have many of these, when we ignore some or are unaware of others, that deeper impact is not there.

• Being present – No distractions, neither physical or mental. In the room, in the conversation, fully focused.
• Lack of Deference – There is an equality, and true presence does not have title.
• Deep Listening – Presence includes listening. Without interruption, without agenda, listening to understand. Questions around it go much deeper in thinking.? Fully listening to everything – the words only share part of the story.
• Openness – Openness to ideas, everything on the table. Being unattached to a particular outcome.? I have seen this being beautifully referred to as ‘spaciousness’ (Kimsey-House et al 2011).
• Vulnerability – Presence is not about being powerful, its being open to sharing vulnerability, concerns, worries, and being able to share these. It creates a place to share openly.
• Confidence – Presence has confidence. Confidence in the way we hold ourselves, confidence with not knowing. Confidence in our vulnerabilities and being human.
• Knowledge – Its not necessarily something that is said, but when you’re with someone that understands, you know they understand. You can see it in their eyes. The questions they ask are relevant to you, its not about guessing. They know what is going on.? They speak your language.
• Safety and Warmth – True presence is about feeling. It feels safe. It is warm like a hug.? You do not feel judged. Again, you can be open.
• Self-awareness – With real presence, there is a deep self-awareness. They know who they are. They know what they know, they know what they do not know. They know how to be there, manage their emotions, and choose how to be in the moment.
• Equanimity – They have a calmness and composure of mind, even in difficult situations.
• Curiosity – Someone with presence is curious. What do you know you that I do not know. Tell me more, keep thinking.
• Non-judgemental – With presence there is no judgement. Everything on the table. This goes to the core of Unconditional Positive Regard.? I believe that you are here with true positive intent.
• Interconnectedness – Presence is connected.? To each other, to the environment, both heart and mind, past, present and future.

Moving towards ongoing awareness and presence

A favourite thinker of mine on Presence and Awareness is Daniel J. Siegel.

In his 2018 book, Aware, The Science and Practice of Presence, he says:

?“I have used the acronym COAL to remind myself of the features of this state of presence that is, I believe, at the heart of what receptive awareness and being in what may be called a mindful, or what others might call a heartful, soulful, or kindful state is all about: Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance, and Love. In a COAL state of mind, we are present for life.”

Presence is something we can strive for.

It is something I am striving for.

I hope that after reading this, you also strive towards creating presence.

Like Lucia, I one day hope I can hold that privileged space with someone to help them gain awareness about themselves that they have never had before.

Further Reading:

Siegel, D (2018), Aware, The Science and Practice of Presence, London: Scribe

Burt, S (2019), The Art of Listening in Coaching and Mentoring, Abingdon: Routledge

Cornell, A (2013), Focussing in Clinical Practice, New York: Norton

Chaskalson, M, McMordie, M (2018), Mindfulness for Coaches, Abingdon: Routledge

Hall, L (2013), Mindful Coaching, London: Kogan Page

Pedrick, C (2021), Simplifying Coaching, London: McGraw Hill?

Richard Galbraith MSc FIA CERA ACC is a certified ICF Leadership Coach and Systemic Team Coach.

You can work with Richard directly through Clandestine Coaching Limited, or via his associate partners with Leading Figures LLP or Coaching With Chemistry.

To work with me as an individual coach, or to support your Team using a Systemic approach, please write to me on [email protected] or message me directly.