In Search of Clarity!

7 January 2019, 05:29, Merry Christmas to all Orthodox Christians that celebrate it today.

I haven’t been sleeping well. The usual reason, with my insomnia, is that there is too much on my mind and it needs processing. It means it needs a creative moment like this, typically very early in the morning, when I actually employ my waking right side of the brain and purposefully deal with issues.

Historically, this was always my problem, dealing with issues. As a child, and since I was of a quite sensitive nature (imagine), I had a hard time dealing with my feelings, so I've created a world where problems were irrelevant as I was a hero capable of dealing with all of the issues. No troubles in sight, nothing I couldn't resolve with my ‘powers.' This helped me deal with issues mentally but created an escape world, a world where there were no troubles; unfortunately, this world isn't all that great when it meets hard reality which is something that happens when one ‘grows up’ and starts having ‘real’ issues. When one starts having family and obligations. Or, when one ends up in the middle of the war, which happened to me.

So, the long story short, today is the day when I process things. Processing requires no imagination as such. It’s really a very simple practice of taking a problem at hand, exploring at all the possible risks associated with it, looking at all the possible solutions, selecting one (or two if there is time, or need for redundancy) and starting to work the problem. The moment that part of the process is completed the challenge is processed and is out of our perceiving part of the brain. And, most importantly, it is out of my mind, which keeps the pressure down. So. What is this problem that bugs me? Well…

Clarity. Or, lack thereof.

One of the real benefits of my personality is the ability to engage and deal with many things at the same time. That is a fantastic ability but also a significant drawback as I naturally get bogged down in many things. I thrive on being intellectually challenged but not all challenges are intellectual and those that require regular yet straightforward work – like dealing with everyday problems – tend to slowly fall off the line. Clarity is one of those issues that isn't entirely non-intellectual, but it is ‘fuzzy' enough to be left to deal with when one has time. Unfortunately for clarity, for my own sake, and for the sake of all those around me, determining clarity has fallen off the line for far too long. I need to establish, or instead reestablish, the clarity of what I do and why I do it. 

Sometimes, in moments of weakness, I invite the good old words ‘ignorance is bliss'. But then, I realize I have been blessed by my upbringing and my very fortunate life, and then I feel like a jackass. Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is a sickness that I'm happy I don't have. The reason I deal with many things is that I have been blessed with the capacity to deal with them and it takes a moment to soak that feeling in. And stop despairing about it. I’m not ignorant. I’m just lazy. Maybe not even that. I’m afraid. That’s it. I’m really just afraid.

But aren’t we all afraid? To some degree or other? What am I afraid of really? Failure? Failure of what? Being seen as a failure by others? Yes, maybe a little, as one gets older that becomes secondary. Being seen as a failure by me? Yes, a lot! Let's face it, the only person you cannot lie to is yourself. Therefore, being considered a failure by yourself must be the hardest feeling of all.

But what is a failure? Inability to meet the goals, right? OK, so, in that case, what are my goals? This is where the clarity is needed, and one needs to define and keep on redefining that clarity on a regular basis. Now, this is also something I'm not very good at. Being regular. Being regular at anything really. That's my unfortunate personality trait. Being regular at anything means keeping timelines and I’m not the best at that. Hell, not even close. So, let’s get back into it. Clarity.

What am I all about? What drives me? What makes me happy?

Deep down inside I believe we are all more or less the same. Family and friends are essential. Being ‘successful,' being able to maintain your lifestyle and afford things. Engage in stimulating work. Play some sports and so on. It isn't really that hard to keep us content. To keep us, if not happy, then at least satisfied. Do I have all that? Well, to a larger degree yes, I do. So, what is the problem? Well, there is always that ‘intangible’ quality to what we need, or, rather, of what we seek. That streak of creativity. That ‘devil in detail' that peaks its head from time to time and wants us to take a step back, look at ourselves, and assess how we have contributed to a larger ‘thing,' a larger purpose.

I’m a thinker. Well, I have actually been a doer as well, and a pretty damn good one if I may say so. I guess we all have moments in life when we think and moments when we do. Right now, I'm a thinker while I should be a doer. But going back to that thinking, to that clarity of vision I so require to reestablish, I realize that both thinking and doing must be regularly applied and practiced. And therein lies my personality's problem and that dreary word – regularly! 

So, besides all the things that fulfill me, family, friends, and colleagues, productive and exciting work, little intellectual challenge on the side, some sports activities and some emotional content to my life, what else is important to me. Well, here it is, my 2019 clarity objectives:

I’m an idealist. I would like to leave the world – or at least people that surround me – better than they were when I got here. That’s a big one obviously. I’m sure I’ve done a thing or two here and there or helped a person or two in this way or that, but one wonders how much more can I help? I’m obviously capable. I'm not dumb. I'm not ignorant. I could be a tad ‘fuzzy’ a times but I'm quite creative I believe. If that is the case, what is the problem? Well, like many other things' idealism needs a target, needs a goal. One needs to determine what one wants SPECIFICALLY and go after it. So, my idealism needs an objective. And my idealistic objectives of leaving this world a better place, and achieving clarity for 2019 are as follows:

1. Today’s world revolves around money. There are no two ways about it. Whether you need to feed your children or to amass power, money makes the world go ‘round. But, many of us don't have easy access to money. Some of us are less privileged not based on our capacity but solely based on our origins and accessing money for any purpose is hard. One way of accessing money is to work for it, but unlike the developed world where the power of the economy is measured by how low the unemployment is, in the developing world these percentages are rampant. Afri Kash, my already established non-predatory mobile lending company, represents my push towards giving people in Sub-Saharan Africa access to non-predatory loans. It’s been a project in the making and while it is slower than I personally wanted it is developing quite well. So, part one of my idealistic campaign is to establish Afri Kash as one of the leaders in the mobile-based lending services industry in Kenya and spread it out of Kenya. 
2. Education is a cornerstone of everything we do. I was lucky to have been born in Former Yugoslavia where all teaching was free of charge. If you wanted to go to school, you had no excuse – none whatsoever. But, what is education and how does it impact what we do? More importantly, how does it change the world around us? Well, presently, our education system, as argued by Dr. Ken Robinson, is there to fulfill the needs of the industrialization. Effectively, to create little cogs in the big machine and make sure that machine is well oiled and produces money. The reality, however, is that we have so many challenges that are so much more pressing then production of money for wealthy individuals who already have a lot. Some of these issues mentioned above are preventing environmental disaster, as well as feeding and housing ever increasing population of the world. Not to mention the fact that we are a single-planet species and that we are likely to perish should another ‘Dinosaur Killer’ comet come calling. So, we should really spread around the solar system as soon as possible. So, I plan to actively invest myself in education to ensure that I plant a seed necessary to work on and resolve the issues we currently have and the issues that are coming which we aren't even aware of yet. I will underline that this education will be nothing like the current one and will have creativity and problem-solving at its core!
3. Sustainable development. This is a mouthful I know. Let's start with the sustainable building. After my little experiment with the superadobe house I built in 2015, I realized that much like our education, our housing has been made for the purposes of industrialization. It has been made cheap and unhealthy, so it can increase the profits and place us somewhere close to factories so we can be on time to produce money for wealthy individuals. I want to change that. I want to develop a sustainable building that is not only cheap to build but is also healthy to live in and allows electricity generation, water catchment, and food productions to make a family fully independent and self-supporting. I want to focus on creating a physically and mentally healthy living space fit for creative people.

Writing. Yes, I can write. So, can anyone. Does my writing have a purpose – besides the obvious, besides speaking my mind? Yes, it does. From the very beginning, the purpose of my writing was to deal with my personal issues. You remember the story from the beginning of this text where one needs to use the right side of the brain to take one problem at the time, process it, and let it go. Well, the writing helped me a lot. In fact, it was solely responsible for me not breaking down under the bouts of PTSD after the war and after my divorce. Writing helps me deal with issues, so there is an apparent purpose to it. However, over time I have noticed I have lots of material. So much in fact that I could quite easily fill in books and books worth of text. This year, I plan to organize this writing a little and figure out if any of that stuff is actually publishable. There has been lots of positive feedback to my writing before, and I have been encouraged to share my thoughts more regularly – there it is again, that dreaded word: ‘regularly'! Jokes on the side, writing is one of the specific and tangible clarity goals this year.

Photography. Go back to both photographing and teaching photography. It rests and relaxes me, and it is a perfect way of capturing the moments around me. Also, the pleasure of teaching people something, seeing them improve under my tutelage is precious. There is no better gift than the ability to teach. Good teachers, in my opinion, should be revered!

Well, there is clarity. Reestablished again just in case I’ve lost track of it. Just like it never disappeared. Finally, pointed and realigned. That was easy, wasn’t it?