Scottish Football: The Night Out You Wish You Had.

Football can be a bit like a night out with your mates.

Sometimes you’ll plan it well in advance. You’ll buy a new shirt, you’ll get a new haircut to look fresh and you’ll get your nice shoes and a new top from ASOS - the fast fashion snob that you are. You’ll jump in your taxi to meet your squad, pumped for the night ahead.

You’ve arranged to meet in a new upmarket bar you see. They’ve threw a bit of money at it. It’s got bright lights. It’s got a fancy bar top. It’s got bar staff that are impeccably dressed with dickie bows and aprons, shiny draught beer taps you’ve never heard of. Oh, and they sell bottles of Grey Goose and pour them in really cool glasses.

You get the round in. “4 pints of lager and a rum for him please, mate”.

“No problem at all, my good sir" as they lay down small bar napkins, placing your drinks on them.

“That’ll be ￡34.67 please, sir”.

You puff the cheeks out as you stick your hand in your wallet. You know you have to pay it but you know you've been ripped right off. That’s your first two notes down. You wonder where the extra 7p’s come from.

The beer tastes fine, it’s doing its job. But you feel a bit let down. You thought it’d be better. The banters fine, but wonder if the effort was really all that necessary.

“Drink up please, gentleman”. At closing time you’re ushered out. You’ve spent a fortune and they refuse your mild request of ‘one for the road’.

You wake up the next morning, you’re a bit hungover. You’re wallets empty. Your nice shoes are scuffed. Your new shirt is already old. You look at the calendar to wonder when the next payday is.

You couldn’t help but think you should have just got your went down to your local…

ANYWAY!

The point in this is that I’ve got a good mate that is visiting me in Dundee this weekend so I told him that if his train gets in early enough, we can go take in a match somewhere.??

There’s the option of Dundee United at home to the top of the table clash against Ayr Untied tonight (Friday) or league 1 Arbroath vs Stenhousemuir. Great opportunity to get the big coats out, a beanie for my baldy head, watch some footy, grab a Bovril and pie at half time, lose the 50/50 raffle, listen to hilarious on-the-terrace-shouts by punters, post-match beers. All for about ￡20, I'd say.

His response was “lolz, no thanks. Am not watching that shite.” (FYI - he’s a season ticket holder at Arsenal.)

Tut, tut.?

Yep, I’ll concede Arbroath maybe isn’t London. And that Gayfield isn’t quite as pretty as the Emirates. And the kit’s not as nice either. The pitch may not be a bowling green and the players on it won’t be internationals or have 1,000,000+ twitter followers - unless you're Danny Denholm (Arbroath winger and podcaster).

But I think turning your nose up at the football on your doorstep is what’s shite.

Yes, in Scottish football there’ll be some absolute stinkers. So bad that not even a bout of covid will help you lose the reek. 0-0 draws with nothing to write about whilst standing in the tipping rain. In fact, the football has an inconvenience to your afternoon and you'd rather be in the pub.

Equally, there’ll be some 4-3 thrillers (case and point, Annan vs Montrose in Scottish Cup replay earlier this week). There’ll be a ping in the top corner. There’ll be a controversial red, the two opposing managers will be giving it massive on the touchline.

Some great games, some stinkers. Some will be a waste of money. Some will be worth every penny.

…BUT, dear reader. Is the Premier League down south (note - marketed as the best league in the world) any different???

(---> Well, you probably couldn't get away with this type of gear strutting into Tannadice.)

Earlier this season Newcastle United suffered a 1-2 defeat at home to Chelsea. Fair enough. But the headline is that the home side only shared 18% possession of the ball. Neither supporter could have thought that was really great value for money, surely?

But then there was a belter just last weekend with Southampton and Fulham. End to end stuff, defences certainly not on top with 5 goals. Some of them great finishes. Particularly Stuart Armstrong’s second (wait, where’s he from again?).

In principal, it's the same.

Well, probably just because it’s on my doorstep and with the opportunity to go and watch more live football in my area this season, I’ve found it really enjoyable than the big leagues. And not just the football.

In community football there’s a lot to be admired which gives you more than the 90 minutes of action. The sense of togetherness at a lower level is absolutely tremendous which it hard to find at a commercial club.

Many of those who work the turnstiles, do the announcements over the tannoy, the kitman/lady at these clubs will do it for free. It will be more than a job to them. Those working in the club shop, being helped out by their kids serving the teas and coffees. They’ve probably done so for years.

Then I take a look at the players who’re on the pitch. Essentially none of them will not be on life-changing money in Scotland for the glamour of being a “pro” footballer. They’ll be operating at a lower level than an elite European league.

Often these guys will be playing for more than the 3 points on offer. They may have a win bonus incentive which might stave off the upcoming “Operation: launch all the Christmas presents on the credit card” from being activated. They may even be playing to keep themselves in a contract, or even improve their bargaining power for the following season. I’m sure many of them are passionate about the game, but they’ll also know having an extra ￡400/500 at Christmas for your typical family is worth knocking their pan in for 90 minutes. You’ll definitely get a competitive, feisty game – that’s for sure.??

In a climate where money is fantasy in the premier league, there’s a huge element of realism in Scottish football.

Notwithstanding there’s huge holes in the structure of the Scottish leagues that could definitely be improved. It’s repetitive – we know that. And the top flight is – this season so far aside – uncompetitive. But then again, so is the Bundesliga and Seria A in recent years. Bayern Munich are going for 7 in a row this season – just 1 less than what Celtic and Juventus are going for. Remember, Man City won the league by 19 points last year too. So we're not completely oddballs in that respect.

Not for one moment am I suggesting Scottish football is better than these leagues or better than the players that are on show. I watch plenty of Premier League - some of it's amazing. The point is just don’t think our game is as awful as what it's occasionally made out to be.?

Price is often an indicator of quality but it doesn’t guarantee it – far from it in fact. That definitely applies in football.

And it’s the same with your night out.

Spending hundreds in a fancy, recently renovated bar with “flavours from around the world” doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy your evening any better.??

Sometimes, a couple of pints will just be perfect.

So the next time you’re planning your wee get together. Just have a think, is the ￡7.82 pint from the dapper dickie bow really that much better than the ￡3.25 you pay big Jim at your local down the road? Is the atmosphere in your swanky cocktail establishment so much more vibrant than the pub with the jukebox? Is the “triple cooked potato chips with sea salt and balsamic vinegar” far more satisfying than a bag of scampi fries?

Give it a go, head down your local. You may even like it.

(Oh, but before you do go try some Scottish football. It's really not that bad. Honest.)?