The Schizophrenic self

Most human beings display schizophrenic behaviour their entire lifetime. At least two inhabitants reside and make decisions within them. Sometimes they are in balance, but most often, they are off-kilter. The two characters who masquerade as us are the doer and the Judge. The doer does various tasks and activities that are ordained, and the Judge passes judgment and sets the future course of action. Unfortunately, one passes decisions, not on the action but the individual. If we plan a task poorly, we become bad planners. If we do badly in an exam, we become dumb and unintelligent. We reserve the harshest criticism not for others but ourselves. The target of the withering excoriations is not the action but generalized to include the individual. And this role is played to perfection by the Judge within us.

The Judge leaves us with self-limiting beliefs and constraints that guide us throughout our life. The chains that yoke us are perceived to be as natural as they come. One hears most humans deciding beforehand that they are not competent to perform some tasks. I am not good at Mathematics. My English is terrible. I am not good at music. I can't run; the list of litanies are endless. When we believe something to be accurate, we overextend to make it happen. We leave ourselves inside a vicious cycle of - "I can't do it" to "See, I told you so".

We don't try, we do not work hard enough, because we convince ourselves beforehand that we will fail. We do not believe in ourselves; we are constantly convincing ourselves that we will let ourselves down. We aim for perfection and deign anything less as a failure.

I have seen one of the most pernicious impacts of such a state of affairs in children and students. Adults carry the scar of studenthood into their remaining lifetime. The fear of mathematics, the fear of speaking English all originate from earlier days at school. The harsh Judge of ourselves sits on us unnoticed and unobserved for most of our adulthood. And it is all the more tragic when individuals who could have become competent mathematicians or impeccable orators lose out on their potential because of their beliefs. The Judge has a unique quality and, as a result, perpetrates these distortions. The Judge refuses to have a direct relationship with the object but forms opinions based on the intermediaries. Suppose fate deals with a lousy mathematics teacher earlier in my life, my relationship with mathematics suffers. Later in life, If I have a toxic boss, I underdeliver at my work. An intermediary - a teacher, a boss, a parent, friends, brothers, sisters decide my relationship with the subject or the work. 

Once I convince myself that I am a failure at a task, I do not put out my best, and hence I fail, thus proving my original observation. My focus, my awareness, my attention withers based on my belief. But here is the nub. I can choose to put my focus and concentration with or without my views. The more I focus on the Judge's decision, the more I am bound by his(or her) decisions. The more I choose to defy him/her, the more I feel liberated. The choice of whether to follow or not to follow also rests within us. There then seems to be a third entity within us that we can awaken at will. Unfortunately, as we sleepwalk through life, the third entity is in a protracted state of slumber. 

However, miracles are waiting to happen if we decide to listen to the third entity instead of the Judge. We surprise ourselves- We render a piece of mastery. And as we see ourselves doing so, the role of the Judge becomes minimized, and the faith in the Judge is lost. The balance shifts towards the third entity and the doer. The doer puts in all efforts, love, focus and concentration irrespective of their predilections. And the preferences vanish when we prove that we are good at whatever we choose to do. We then throw away the yoke that binds us to the narrow path, and the bind becomes a chimaera. The knowing guides the doer. And the knowing does not come with any preconceived notions. The KNowing also does not reach a conclusion based on a single act or a performance.

Imagine, If I do not allow my past to colour my desire to do a task. What if I perform well at my work irrespective of the feedback given by my boss. I am liberated, free to do what I want to. No cell can incarcerate me. The joy of a task, the desire to learn, and the happiness at work do not depend on the activity but just my desire to do it to my best. Liberation, excellence, freedom then waits for us at every corner.

Before I end the article, I want to leave you with a case study. Let me introduce Rayna Ram Aiyappa, a 13-year-old kid(Daughter of Rashmi Aiyappa). Now Rayna is a brilliant kid and her power of expressions(as you will be able to see from her writing below) inspired me to pen down this article. Many of her school teachers would judge the writing standards of their children (be more descriptive, write more words etc), to such an extent that the talents or children would very often be lost out in the melee. I wish the teachers would allow the talents of the children to come out in a more natural manner and not channelise their powers of expression in certain acceptable ways only. Every child will express uniquely and as teachers, we just have to encourage them and provide them with a non-judgemental environment, whereby they feel free to flourish in their own unique and brilliant ways. Rayna has proven this adage so powerfully by her writing. Her powerful connection with the language, its nuances, usage of various tropes of the English language is actually mind-boggling.

Written by Rayna Ram, a 13-year-old kid studying in Bangalore, a piece composed to commemorate her mothers birthday. She did not seek help from anybody, and all of it completely original. I am reproducing it as is without a single correction.

"Happy birthday ma! You don't realize but you're a reason behind my happiness! You are most beautiful woman I know. You're my greatest source of inspiration and the source of my oxygen. You're beauty, bravery and kindness in one body. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm grateful to god because he gave me you as my mother. You teach, counsel and guide me like no other person would. You've been a solid shoulder to cry on and the soothing hand that heals my wounds. Nothing I write will capture how I feel about you being in my life. I'm proud to call you my mother. I'm unashamed to say I am mummy's girl and I will forever be. You've shown me kindness beyond explanation. You're my perfect imperfection and I wouldn't have you any other way. I think you're the most hardworking mother I know. Nobody ever comes in contact with you and stays negative. Your flaws are part of the things I love about you. May the light in you never dim! People like you make this world worth living in. I cherish every day that I get to spend with you. You've been nothing short of constant blessing and continuous source of joy for me. You're cherished by everyone ma! You're love and light in human form. I smile better knowing that I will soon get to hear your voice vibrating with care or even scolding me. Your voice is soothing. You deserve all the things you want mom. You're my best friend! We have travelled the world together, stayed awake to discuss why we couldn't sleep, cried and laughed simultaneously and I wish to enjoy more moments of bliss with you as my mother and friend. The world is a better place because you're in it and I wouldn't wish for a different life because you are in my life. Thank you for your unconditional show of love and constant support. You're by far the most delightful person I know. Thanks to you I have a beautiful life. Its mind blowing to see you every day and think you're 46! You don't even look a day over 30! It doesn't matter how old or far I am, your voice will always make my heart dance and I will always love to hear you're angelic voice! You're unarguably the most amazing woman in my world. You've been there to save me, nurture me, and care for me when no one was. I love you ma! May all the good you have done in this world come rushing back to you today and for the rest of your life. I just want to say you're perfect for me. A beautiful woman who does nothing other than tries to make me happy. I know an angel in human form, her name is Rashmi Aiyappa and she's my mother! I love you ma! "