Scenes from a sabbatical

I’m now three and half months into a year long sabbatical.?

During the first two months, severe #fomo and wondering if I was being missed by clients, if I’d ever work again, and would folks invite me to galas ?!?!, led me back into a familiar routine.?

It didn’t help that at every turn, people in my professional life wanted to know what I was doing next. Was I already thinking about my next startup? Definitely not!?

In absence of business development goals, client deliverables, and penning the umpteenth report, I found myself saying yes to every volunteer opportunity that came my way.?

Seeing colored boxes dotting my calendar has always made me feel secure, productive, worthy.?

By the end of February, I had fully replicated the life I was supposed to be taking a pause from; content creation, volunteering, LinkedIn lives, meetings.?

My calendar was packed with meetings.?

And yet, I wasn’t making progress on the goals I’d set out for myself - 1) working towards fluency in Spanish, 2) an hour of exercise/movement everyday, and 3) preparing a journal submission, i.e. writing.?

It has taken near daily reminders from my partner to slow down, and from my coach to prioritize my own goals. To lean into my intuition. To stop equating my worth with what I’m able to do for others.?

I find myself doing things that 2023 Aparna would’ve found a waste of her time.?

1. Reading non-fiction, instead of work books, with zero guilt.?
2. Cooking the things I enjoy, for myself.?

I planted a dozen ranunculus earlier this year. They are all in bloom right now.?

I cleaned the garage, and looked at all the boxes labeled ‘Aparna’s things’ that have sat untouched for years. In one, I found my stamp collection and spent a few hours looking through thousands of stamps going back nearly a hundred years that a young nerdy me hoarded.?

As it turns out, walks are more enjoyable when you’re not doing it to clear your head from a meeting, often walking the 1.5 miles (uphill) to the grocery store.?

Instead of endless meetings, I said yes to an impromptuish trip to Cabo with friend, to long lunches with people I’ve mostly seen over zoom, and playdates with small humans.?

I’ve given in to the cat’s demands for snuggles and naps.?And I taught her to give gently kisses.

Over the last six weeks I’ve noticed my body and brain changing.?

My rest heart rate dropped to 60 bpm after years of hovering at 90 bpm.?

I stopped grinding my teeth, and haven’t been waking up with a sore jaw. Nor am I grinding my teeth during the day. Hopefully, this means I won’t need to swap out retainers every 6 months.?

My gut has started to heal itself - with regular meals, including consistently eating breakfast for the first time in my adult life, instead of living on coffee until 1pm on most days. Oh, and I gave up coffee!?

Most days this sabbatical feels like a luxury, meant for someone else.

And I have to remind myself that I too am deserving of a break.?