Scared Witless: Communicating as a Step to Connection

I listen to Darren Hardy's DarrenDaily each weekday morning. Today, Darren talked about the difference between Communication and Connection and he admitted that he had conflated the two, thinking communicating was connecting, but later realized they are not the same.

He asked the audience to offer thoughts. I had a couple…

Darren, great question! I spent decades working on this. It started with a realization followed by the statement, "I need to get out of my office and out of my head. I need to meet people!"

Know this first: I sucked at networking and I was scared witless to network. I bought tickets to events, got ready, drove to the venue and waited outside - for the entire event! - frozen and frustrated by my fear of not knowing what to do or say.

But, I persevered. I got better.

What I learned are simple structures and simple habits to connect with people.?

Communication is a means to connection.

We all want a vital, useful, accessible network. But it's work.

Networking = Net + working.

Think of it like this: the net is the people or the "connections," and the "working" is meeting and then fostering and maintaining relationships with those connections.

Think of a net made of rope. The knot at each intersection is a person. The rope between each knot is the relationship with each person. In life, however, that rope is not the same between each knot. It is but a thin thread when you first meet. You add to that thread by the efforts you make to enhance that relationship. Each additional thread between you and another person is an effort made by one or the other, forming a stronger cord than the thread.

You communicate. You introduce your network connection to someone. You send them a resource. You invite them to coffee. You share an event or class you are attending and you meet them before to get to know each other. Work.

As the number of connections increase, and you put in effort with many, you need to become efficient. In business, that's scale or scaling up. How to do this as an individual? Answer: Habits and systems.

Here's one: When LinkedIn and Facebook feed you birthdays, make it a habit to wish people well. But personalize it! Do not use the auto-generated fluff. Instead, say something unique and different and appropriately personal. Recall something relevant to that person like, "Hey, Biff! Happy birthday! I hope you are out fishing in a cool river somewhere!" because you know Biff likes fishing. I know we don't have that level of interest and knowledge in all connections, so maybe ask, "Happy birthday, Biff! I hope you get to be doing your favorite pastime! I saw you fishing in one post, would that be it? Whatever it is, enjoy!"

Stand out.

Seek knowledge about others.

Interrupt the blandness.

Make it about them.

I have a minimum of 3 such "touches" per day, and that takes less than 5 minutes. Most days, I have ten or more. Because these platforms send you this info, it is super-easy! And it does not have to be on social media or birthdays. Call someone. Send an email. Communicate as the path to further connect.

Then, (pro tip here) when people react with favorable responses, use those as opportunities to connect further! "Hey, Biff! Glad to hear you caught something more than a cold! When are you going to be on this side of the city? Let's grab lunch!" Connect!

Here's another tip: find organizations related to your work or interests that at first intimidate you because of the caliber and experience of people in them, and join them. In-person is ideal, but online serves.

• Attend as a visitor whose mission is to determine if this group is a fit and a challenge (outside your comfort zone).
• Visit several groups and introduce yourself to the leaders as well as other attendees.
• Show up prepared with questions: What is the purpose of this group? What is their mechanism or format, like having speakers every meeting, or being a referral group, or being a meet-and-greet, or speed-dating, or whatever.
• Attend 2-3 times those groups that fit your criteria.
• If it does what you need and it is a challenge for you, and, you can bring value to others in the group, then join.
• If it's not a fit and a stretch, don't join. Easy and familiar are not going to help.

From that point, invest yourself in the group by progressing along this spectrum: Attendance > Participation > Contribution.

• Attendance - like going to a movie, just to be served or entertained.
• Participation - engaging with others in conversation, asking a question, sharing in a dialogue.
• Contribution - helping set up, being a greeter, leading a table discussion, joining a board.

The more you participate and contribute, the more you can become trusted and appreciated. This serves to fortify and introduce more connections at once: scaling up.

Continue to use groups to build your skills. Volunteer to be a speaker. Join a board. Be the tech person. Engage people more often to hone your conversational skills.

Communicate as a means to connection. Connection is where relationships begin, and building the ties of connectivity - the cords of the net - is where the trust and true relationships begin and grow. Put in the work and build the habits that scale up your skills and keep relationships maintained.

Marketing is all about keeping a brand or product top-of-mind. You are marketing yourself. Learn how to make you become top-of-mind to your connections, in a positive, helpful, friendly way. Start with simple communication. Connect. Get deeper with habits and systems.

Get out of the office and out of your own head! Go meet someone!