Ohh, you stupid man!

They are frequent: Calls from financial whizzes introducing some interesting IPO. Just for me. They can more often than not be dismissed right away. I have 100 or so blocked numbers on my phone. Also on the rise are service calls from the ‘IT department’. Given that many companies have outsourced their IT-stuff to faraway places, heavy accents or out-of-town telephone numbers aren’t necessarily dead giveaways. But the IT-scammers are much easier to have fun with than the financial scammers.

Telephone rings. From France. Oh-la-la. Calls from the land of red wine and excellent cheeses are always welcome.

Me (cheery): Oui, c’est Adam ESTRUP (when in Rome and all that…). 

Voice (female, certainly not continental French, but maybe from some overseas département): Hello, Sir, my name is Melissa. I’m calling from the computer services department. How are you today?

A (inviting): Oh, swell, thank you for calling!

M (kind): You’re welcome. We have received numerous faults and warning signs from your PC.

I run a Mac, so that’s most likely not the case…

A (inquisitive): Ahh, I see, that’s maybe why it's been so slow. Can you please help me?

M (friendly): Yes, Sir, I can. Please type in www.supposed.me – let me spell it for you – and I can help you.

A (typing away): Mmm, yes, now it’s in there. But my browser can’t open the page. Maybe you can help me with that? I have a very slow internet connection. Could you please ping my IP-number? You must have it from the messages you received?

M (insistent): Please open the page, Sir.

A (kind-of-desperate): But I can’t. Really. Could you please ping me?

M (really insistent): Please open the page, Sir.

A (approaching wit’s end): I can’t. I really need you to ping me and tell me how long time it takes. I have a very slow connection. Maybe you can help me with that?

M (loud): Please open the page, Sir.

A (almost in tears): But I can’t. The connection is slow. Could you please ping me?

M (ALL CAPS): Please open the page, Sir!

A (double-o-desperate): I really need you to ping me. I can’t open the page. I really want to!

M (ALL CAPS and then some): Ohh, you stupid, stupid man. I’m not your internet provider.

Melissa from the département inconnu disconnects.

One down, more probably to come…J

***

The above is part of my recently published book 'Absurditeter, hyklerier og tvende tunger'. The book's in Danish, though, so there... Available here: https://www.bod.dk/bogshop/absurditeter-hyklerier-og-tvende-tunger-adam-estrup-9788743004059