Scaling Compassion - An Algorithm for Emotionally Connecting

You're much more comfortable using analysis and logic. You show your caring by providing solutions. You care very much but are often accused of being cold, robotic and clueless especially by your children.

You're willing and eager to become and feel closer to the people you care about... you just need a way to do it.

Check out these ten steps. They might help. One engineer I know uses them and people are now telling him how much more connected and compassionate he seems and he tells me, he's just following the steps.

1. Intention to emotionally connect — When you know you haven’t been connecting with, persuading or getting through to someone, consciously pause before meeting them and say to yourself, “During this conversation, I am committing to being present and to connecting emotionally with them, even though I don't quite know what that means.”
2. Be a first-class noticer — Noticing is different than looking, watching and seeing. When you do the latter three, you are an observer, which is passive and non-present. Doing those three also lends itself to analysis, which is something you feel comfortable with. When, however, you notice, you connect with whoever you’re noticing, whether it’s something you focus on that you’re listening to or looking at. Just noticing without evaluating equals connecting with it. For example, just noticing the typeface in this blog will cause you to connect with the words more viscerally. When it comes to emotionally connecting and you're with someone who appears upset or frustrated - and you don't have a clue why - just notice it, without running away from it or looking for a reason to dismiss it and not engage with it.
3. Be curious — Whatever you’re noticing, be curious about it. And imaging that if they seem upset that they're either feeling hurt, afraid, frustrated or angry.
4. Ask about what you noticed — Say to the other person, “I couldn’t help but notice, but as I look into your eyes I'm picking up that you might feel hurt, afraid, frustrated or angry and if not those, maybe something else. Can you pick which of those you're feeling and tell me what happened - even if I caused it - to make you feel that way."
5. Listen — Listen for hyperbole, elevated inflection, adverbs (which embellish verbs) and adjectives (which embellish nouns), each of which reveal emotion that the other person is feeling underneath whatever they’re saying. That emotion is a doorway to more that lies beneath and deeper connectedness.
6. Go deeper — After they finish speaking, ask them to say more about those emotionally-laden words that had hyperbole, elevated inflection, or adverbs or adjectives. And if they ask you a question, instead say, “I could answer that, but say more about (then repeat the emotionally laden word(s)).” That will cause them to go even deeper and reveal more. That will cause them to be more present in the conversation and feel that you care about their feelings more than you're needed to rush in with a solution. If you do this, they will begin to "feel felt" by you and when they do they may even start to tear up with relief. Don't get spooked by it, just let them keep doing it because it actually means they're feeling better.
7. Repeat 1-6 — Tell them, “This is too important for me to have misunderstood what you have just told me. What I heard you say is (then repeat or give a summary of what you have heard up to now). Did I get that right?” If they correct you, thank them for doing so. If you are sincere about this exchange, they will not take offense at your doing this, because you have prefaced that what they said is important which is why you’re wanting to make sure you heard it correctly. 
8. Relevance — Say to them, “Is what we’re talking about and how we’re talking about it leading in the direction you want us to be going?” 
9. Ask what you have failed to address — Then say, “What have we not talked about that is also important for me to know to make sure I get everything related to this?” This will allow them to add more important and related details that had not come up previously.
10. Together apply what you have heard — Finally, say, “Given everything you have told me and that we have spoken about, what we should do next is (have them fill in the blanks) and what can I do better so you don't have to feel that way again."

With practice and with the experience of how much this is improving your relationship with others, this will become more natural because of how motivated you are to improve.

* If you're interested in presentations and training on communication that this is a sample of, please send me a message via LinkedIn or visit my website at: https://markgoulston.com