No Scale to Judge His or Her Own Self Worth

A baby has to rely on experiences with people and their messages about his or her worth.

For about the first six years of life, a child's self-esteem is formed almost completely by the family. Research over the past decade highlights the link between affection in childhood and health and happiness in the future.

Self-esteem or self-worth refers to the positive or negative feelings that we have about ourselves. We experience the positive feelings of high self-esteem when we believe that we are good and worthy and that others view us positively. We experience the negative feelings of low self-esteem when we believe that we are inadequate and less worthy than others.

After a child starts school, other influences come into play; but the family remains the most important. The family/home environment is the context that most directly influences the young child’s early development and socialization.

Peer influence is remarkably powerful all through our lives. But it’s never more impactful than in childhood, when values have yet to take root and the self is still being formed.

Outside forces tend to reinforce the feelings of either worth or worthlessness the child learned at home; a confident child can deal with failures, in school and with peers; a child with low self-esteem can have successes yet feel doubt about his or her value. Even one negative experience can have effects out of proportion to the event.

Every word or facial expression by the parent gives the child a message about self-worth.

It's sad that so many parents don't realize what messages they are sending. A parent has a major influence on his or her child’s self-esteem.

Self-worth is how we interpret what others feel about us. In childhood, we value ourselves as much as we believe we are valued by others.

What kind of self-worth is your family building in the children and reinforcing in the adults?

Positive feelings can grow only in an atmosphere where differences are appreciated, love is openly shown, mistakes are used for learning, communication is open, rules are flexible, and honesty is practiced. This kind of atmosphere is found in a nurturing family. A loving and nurturing family will forgive easily and provide an atmosphere of acceptance for all within it. It's not an accident that children from these families grow up to feel good about themselves and are more loving, healthy and competent.

Oppositely, children in troubled families often feel worthless and unloved, growing up with inflexible rules, criticism of their differences, and punishment for their mistakes. These children are at risk of developing destructive behaviors toward themselves and/or others.

If this happened to you, I hope you are now taking steps to free yourself from that negative energy.

These same differences in self-worth can be found in adult family members. When we feel low self-worth in childhood, we develop low self-esteem as an adult. 

Parents with high self-esteem are more likely to create nurturing families, and parents with low self-worth tend to produce troubled families.

Parents are responsible for accepting the consequences of their actions and learning to do it differently. 

Healthy self-esteem can be described as a realistic, appreciative opinion of oneself. Low self-esteem can be deeply rooted. However, it is possible to raise anyone's self-esteem, no matter what one's age. When it comes to your self-worth, only one opinion truly matters — your own. Since feelings of low self-worth have been learned, they can be unlearned, and something new can be learned in it's place. The possibility for this learning lasts from birth to death, so it's never too late. At any point in a person's life, she or he can learn better self-worth.

One of the things that psychotherapy does best is to address issues of self-esteem. Many of us are wounded, in one way or another, by the way we were treated as we grew up. As adults it is our responsibility to put closure on the damage inflicted on us by others and to move on with our lives in a healthy way. A trained therapist can point out the ways in which we engage in destructive patterns of behavior. Therapy allows us to explore why we punish ourselves and why we see ourselves as being less than other people. We have the ability to change our negative self-esteem tendencies by developing self-nurturing, self-encouraging, and self-enhancing behavior. When we begin to treat ourselves in a more positive way, others pick up on our cues and respond to us in the way we all deserve.

There is always hope that your life can change, because you can always learn new things. Humans can grow and change all their lives.

ABOUT THE CENTER FOR THERAPY & COUNSELING SERVICES

The Center provides mental health counseling, evaluation and therapy services for individuals, couples and families in and around East Brunswick and Edison, NJ.

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