Saying ‘Yes’ to Your Loved One with Alzheimer’s Disease

Living with and caring for your loved one with dementia can be challenging, stressful and joyful – all within one hour! One main way to honor them and lower stress levels is to always have one goal: enter their world. To enter their world means seeing the world as they see it, agreeing with them in whatever way you can, and encouraging them to share more. In doing so, you affirm and honor them.

This also encourages you to totally accept their disease and what it means for them and you. Sometimes we look at our loved ones living with dementia and, physically, they look the same and we may expect them to think and act like they used to. We forget that they have a disease, a progressive terminal disease, that is causing the lapses in memory, the jumbled speech and the lack of recognition.

Entering their world means a variety of things. When they explain to you that it is Christmas in July, what is easier: a long, detailed explanation of the fact that Christmas is actually five months away or saying “Merry Christmas!” and putting on a Christmas CD? You may want to work hard to persuade them of the “truth,” but for someone with dementia, you are spinning your wheels and creating anxiety in your loved one and yourself. This type of total acceptance takes practice. But try it! Find ways to agree immediately, practice saying “yes,” and explore things with them by saying, “tell me more.”

Another way to enter your loved one’s world is to actively listen to them. While listening may seem like a rather passive act, good listening requires attention, focus and energy. Active listening means you are truly focused on what the other person is saying (words, body language, tone of voice and affect) and not trying to formulate a response while they are speaking. Since our goal is to enter the world of the person with dementia (rather than requiring them to enter our world), asking them a question in conversation requires you to wait for their response. Often, we are uncomfortable with the silence and ask the question again, or ask it a different way, thinking the other person does not understand. The person with dementia may need the extra time to understand what you have asked or said, and then more time to figure out a response. When you are patient and wait for their response, you are sometimes rewarded with their incredible thoughts and sentiments. These are gifts that your loved one gives you as you enter their world and give them the time and space they need to connect with you.

Entering the world of your loved one with dementia also means accepting that change is constant. Sometimes, the changes are remarkable, other times, they are almost imperceptible. But in the overall journey in this disease, expecting change will help you be flexible and reduce stress. What works today may not work tomorrow. Medications may need to be added or taken away. Dietary needs may change. None of this is because your loved one is trying to be difficult, it is because they have a disease: dementia.

Reframe your expectations for your day, your loved one and yourself. View each day as an adventure. The dictionary defines adventure as an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity, especially the exploration of unknown territory. That certainly speaks to the person on the journey of dementia as well as those who love them. As with all adventures, attitude and expectations are key, and it can be an amazing and meaningful experience!

Melody Thomas-Morgan