Saying NO more

Nobody likes saying no and, more often than not, saying it can be really tough. The second we think about saying it our inner monologue kicks in.

“Is this going to hurt them?”

“Will they feel rejected?”

“Will I be rejected?”

“They going to think I’m not a team player.”

“Will I lose them?”

“Will this make me feel really bad later on?”

And so, our brains rage on. With every ‘no’ there’s a consequence which usually involves pain (either for you or the person asking), we know it, so we avoid it.

It’s a paradox; avoiding the ‘no’ means inevitably saying ‘yes’ to the wrong things, and worse, to the wrong people. Every time we avoid saying no, we lose a little internal integrity and over time the accumulation of the pain of avoidance is so much greater than the pain of saying No at the outset. The momentary discomfort (or perceived discomfort) when we say ‘no’ allows us to bounce back into a place of inner integrity.

Time to say yes. Time to say no.

There are times when being open to ‘yes’ is a great thing. At the start of a journey(new business, new relationship etc.)is a great time to explore, learn and try a wide range of new things to see what works and what doesn’t. Then, as you mature along your journey, it’s important to pay attention to the things that serve you, and the things that don’t and have become habitual.

One of my clients, a CEO, was drinking coffee all day long to keep up with the intensity of nurturing his business. Our work together helped him see that, his current reality was that he had already established the business and he no longer needed to keep up such an intense pace. What he needed was the capacity to slow down and be in a state of deeper reflection and thinking. When he understood that the business needed a very different attitude from him, the coffee was gone.

The benefits of saying NO

Let’s flip the coin and explore the benefits of saying ‘no’ more often:

More time for yourself

As men one of our chief complaints is that we don't have enough time. We don’t see that the problem isn’t time, it’s the fact that we say ‘yes’ too often. It’s simple maths-if we say yes to everything and everyone of course we won’t have enough time. Easy to say, but not so easy to recognise or change. Being more selective about how we dish out ‘yes’ will instantly create more time for yourself. Time to focus. Time to relax. You’ll have time to pause and listen to your own needs which will lead to more harmony and ultimately better decisions as you move through life.

Increased capacity to lead

Saying ‘no’ means being free to say ‘yes to yourself. Instead of constantly serving other people’s needs you can prioritise yourself. That might sound selfish, but actually, when you put yourself first, your capacity to be there for others grows significantly. It’s not selfishness. It’s being accountable for what’s right for you and how the rest of your life feeds into your personal world. The world is crazy these days, without prioritising yourself, you’ll inevitably end up spent.

Attraction

When you say yes to everything you create a chaotic energy around you that’s clumsy and unattractive. The tendency to please everyone breeds weakness and neediness and many people will be repelled by you, whether they sense it consciously or unconsciously. When you learn to say ‘no’ to things and people that distract you, you create healthy boundaries and paradoxically, when you create those boundaries, you become more attractive as people will perceive you as a grounded, confident man.

Energy and motivation

If you find yourself regularly exhausted, drained, and frustrated that it’s because you're saying yes too often, it’ time to take a beat. Saying ‘no’ more often will enable you to create space for yourself to rest and rebuild your energy reserves. With energy comes more clarity and with clarity your ability to know when to say ‘yes’ and when to say ‘no’ will improve.

How to say NO

Despite the fear and your inner monologue, you need to remember the benefits of saying ‘no’ outweigh the short-term pain. That said, there are ways to say ‘no’ that don’t lead to positive outcomes rather than negativity. Here are a few tools you can use to make positive things happen when you utter the ‘n’ word.

Wait. Take your time. Take time before responding to people.

If you have doubts, don't rush to ‘yes’ immediately. A simple exercise is to take a deep breath before responding and ask people to give you a minute, hour or however long you need. Creating this gap will make a huge difference to the quality of your decision and therefore the outcome.

Listen to your body

We tend to consider everything and look for answers in the mind and we forget that the body has a treasure trove of wisdom locked inside it. Our bodies are designed to send out a ton of signals that help us make the right decisions. If you learn to listen to those signals your ability to find the right answer for yourself will improve exponentially. When you tap into this inner wisdom a lot of things will fall into place. It’s because of this that a lot of focus is directed to this subject in the training I do with men in the ‘AND THEN WHAT’ programme.

Create a supportive environment

Spend time to check in with people you trust and use them as a sounding board as you know you will get honest and direct feedback. Spending time with the right people, in the right environment is the best way to learn what you should say no to, and how to do it in a more effective, productive way. Again, it’s a big part of what we do in the ‘AND THEN WHAT?’ programme.

Get straight to the point

Don’t fluff around. You don’t really need to use overused words like ‘sadly’ or unfortunately’ when you speak. Go straight to the point and say the content of what needs to be said. Keep it respectful and emotionally neutral.

Be grounded

When you learn to say ‘no’ from a grounded place, you help the listener remain receptive to what you have to say. When you speak from a secure and honest perspective, you’ll create trust with people–you won’t push them away. People appreciate it.

Keep the door open (if you want to)

Remember that saying ‘no’ doesn't mean ‘no’ forever. If, despite the current reason to say ‘no,’you want to keep the door open, be clear with what you’re saying ‘no’ too and leave the discussion open to reconnect again later.

Give your reasons

When you say ‘no’ mention the reason why you are saying no. Own it. By doing this you won’t leave the other person with doubt. It might be a bit uncomfortable, but it creates closure that leaves less space for conflict.

Stop trying to fit in

If you hear ‘everyone else is doing it’ it doesn’t mean that you need to be part of the herd. If there’s something you don’t want to do -don’t do it. It’s much easier to follow the herd, but the benefits of listening to yourself are far greater.

Get some practice.

If you have the tendency to say yes, set yourself a period of time and practice saying no. Choose a week, 10 days, or month, and commit to say ‘no’ every time you have any doubt. It will feel uncomfortable at first and you might feel that you’re missing on things, but this practice will help you build your integrity muscles. It will give you time with yourself to gain clarity about what’s important to you and, in turn, to know when to say yes.

The ‘AND THEN WHAT?’ programme is the perfect place for you to practice and embody the skill of saying no to the things you don’t want or need in your life. In the programme you’ll spend time with likeminded men who are interested to develop and grow in a similar direction. The programme provides with the ideal environment to practice and explore everything that was mentioned above, plus a lot more, in a very safe, encouraging, non-judgmental and fun environment.

If you're interested to know more, contact me.