Saying "No" for a Less Stressful Life

The plain and simple fact is that you can't be productive if you take on too much!

Members of your family, friends, children, colleagues, etc. all put demands on your time. By taking it all on,?you are spreading yourself too thin and won't be able to get anything done, well, certainly not to the proper standard or anywhere near on time. So what's the answer?

Trying to perfect the art of saying no can be a game changer; not only for productivity but for your sanity too.

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You simply have to learn the art of saying 'no'. "It sounds so simple that it must be impossible" I hear you say but, in fact, to stay productive, to lower your stress levels, and avoid wasting time, you have to learn the?subtleties of this gentle art—an art that many people have problems with, including me I should add!

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If it's that 'simple', why is it so hard? The first point to make is that saying no can hurt, anger, or disappoint the receiver of this unusual message. Of course, that's never a good thing, nor is it your intention. Secondly, good relationships are borne out of excellent communication and so saying “no” in the wrong way can jeopardise that.

Luckily, it doesn’t have to be hard on your relationship, whether personal or professional.

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As this has been an issue for me over the years, I've done some research and plenty of self-reflection and I've listed my top ten ways on how to stop people-pleasing and?mastering the gentle art of saying no:

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1. Know your commitments and how precious time is and, therefore, how valuable your time is. So, when someone asks you to dedicate some of your time to a new commitment, you’ll know whether you can or can't do it.

If it's a no, be honest when you tell them that: “I just can’t right now. My plate is overloaded as it is.” They should sympathise as they've probably got a lot going on too, and they’ll respect your honesty.

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2. If you do gain some extra time at some point (rare, I know), is this new task really how you want to spend that time?

For example, if my wife asks me to pick up the kids from school a couple of extra days a week, I’ll likely try to make time for it, as family is my highest priority. However, if a co-worker asks for help on some extra projects, I know that will mean less time with my wife and kids, so I would be more likely to say no.?However, for some people, work might be their priority, and helping on extra projects could mean the chance for a promotion or raise. It’s all about knowing your?own long-term goals and what to do (and not do) in order to achieve them.?

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3. You've heard it a thousand times, I'm sure, "Practice makes perfect". This is not learning to play an instrument or rehearsing a presentation but it really is no different, believe it or not. Saying “no” as often as you can is a great way to get better at it and more comfortable with saying the actual words.

Sometimes, repeating the word is the only way to get a message through to extremely persistent people. When they keep insisting, just keep saying no (politely, of course). Eventually, they’ll get the message.

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4. "Don’t Apologise!" I hear this a lot and it always bothers me that someone is happy to stand in front of you and do something, on purpose, that they feel is wrong somehow, and deserves an apology. Like when a Salesperson stands at the front door and starts with "I'm sorry to bother you…" "Then why bother me?" I usually reply. In my opinion, they're perfectly justified in trying to make a living, so standing and apologising for that just weakens their whole proposition. In truth, people often start out?“I’m sorry, but…” as they think that it sounds more polite. While politeness is important when you learn to say no, apologising just makes it sound weaker. You need to be firm and unapologetic about guarding your time.

When you say no, know that you have nothing to feel bad about. You have every right to?have time for the things that are important to you.?

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5. Again, it’s important to be polite, but being nice by saying yes all the time only hurts you. When you make it easy for people to grab your time (or money), they will continue to do it. However, if you build a wall or, at least, set parameters; they will soon realise they have to look for someone else.

Ensure that your time is well managed by being firm and turning down or pushing back on as many requests (that are not on your own priority list) as you need to.

As a musician, I am often asked to perform for charities, etc. and, although I am a decent human being and always keen to help where I can, there comes a time when enough is enough, and the phrase "charity begins at home" echoes in my head.

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6. Sometimes we feel that we have to say yes to our boss—they’re our boss, right? And if we start saying no, then we look like we can’t handle the work—at least, that’s the common reasoning.

In fact, it’s the opposite—explain to your boss that by taking on too many commitments, you are weakening your output?and potentially jeopardising your existing commitments. If your boss insists that you take on the project, go over your project or task list and ask them to re-prioritise, with you, and clarify what else might be pushed back to make room for this new project. Being self-employed here doesn't make it any easier, by the way! People always think it means you are your own boss when, in reality, IR35 means you have to have more than one! This may mean saying no to one boss so you can say yes to another. Managing stakeholders like this is a tough job and divided loyalty is no loyalty, right? However, the stakeholders should all know you are self-employed and understand to some degree. It's how the message "I'm not able to do this for you because I'm working for someone else" is delivered. Be mindful of both their priorities and their ego. There are gentle ways to say "I have already committed to another project".??

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7. It’s often much easier to pre-empt requests altogether, rather than to say “no” to them after the request has been made. If you know that a request is likely to be made, perhaps in a meeting, just say to everyone as soon as you come into the meeting,

“Look, everyone, just to let you know, my week is full with some urgent projects, and I won’t be able to take on any new requests.”

'Knowing the room' is extremely important here, of course, as it takes a great deal of awareness that you’ll likely only have after having worked in one place, or been friends with someone, for a while. However, once you get the hang of it, it can be incredibly useful.

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8. Instead of providing an answer then and there, it’s often better to tell the person you’ll give their request some thought and get back to them. This will allow you to give it some consideration, and check your commitments and priorities. Then, if you can’t take on the request, try saying no this way:

“After giving this some thought, and checking my calendar, I've realised I won’t be able to accommodate the request at this time.” At least you gave it consideration though.

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9. If this is an option that you’d like to keep open, instead of just shutting the door on the person, it’s often better to just say,

“This sounds interesting, but I just don’t have the time at the moment. Perhaps you could check back with me next week.”

Next time, when they check back with you, you might have some free time on your hands. If you need to continue saying no, do so.

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10. The classic dating rejection that leads to 'friend-zoning' can work in other situations too. Don’t be insincere about it, though. Often, the person or project is a good one, but it’s just not right for you, at least not at this time.

Simply say so; you can be complimentary, but say that it’s not the right fit, or it’s not what you’re looking for at this time. Only say this if it’s true, as people can easily sense insincerity.

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Saying 'no' isn’t an easy thing to do, but once you master it, you’ll find that you’re less stressed and more focused on the things that really matter to you. There’s no need to feel guilty about it. We live in times where there should be more awareness of the need to organise your personal life and mental health in a way that feels good to you.

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Remember that when you learn to say 'no', it isn’t about being mean. It’s about taking care of your time, energy, and your own well-being. Once you learn how to say no in a good way, people will respect your willingness to practice self-care and prioritisation. They may even start doing it themselves!?

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Good luck and please let me know how you get on. In the meantime, if you have any comments or tips for saying no, please add them below.