To say yes or to not?

She said yes! How happy do those 3 words make us? The word ‘yes’ is such - it tells us some desire has been/will be fulfilled, and that prompts feel-good hormones to - well - make us feel good. I’ve come across few people who take pleasure in hearing a no. It’s not only a disappointment, but also a distraction from what we were hoping for. Now think about this - when someone says no to you, is there something else they could be saying yes to in its place? Perhaps they’re saying yes to a need of theirs? When you ask a friend out to dinner and they decline, perhaps they’re saying yes to using the evening to catch up on sleep? Or finishing up their laundry? Or spending time with their sister? In the many possible scenarios, they are likely saying yes to something - just not to you. And when we think about this for another moment, we realize that we are constantly saying/thinking yes to actions which fulfil our needs and no to actions which don’t. Others are doing the same. Surely as intelligent beings we can understand this by employing a bit of effort.

As I think these thoughts, I come to see that we can either let our feelings be hurt by hearing others say no to us, or allow our empathy to emerge by hearing them say yes to something else, making their no a result of the yes. Curiosity can lead us to this liberating mindset - so your friend said no to dinner plans? Which needs are they meeting instead? How are they feeling? What are they saying yes to?

Pondering these questions has helped me take the hard edge off of a no, reconcile better with it, and be more mindful of what I use my yes’s and nos for!

As you wonder with me, please remember that a no is still a no (to you) and a yes to something else, and must be respected, context irrelevant.