Say What: Favorite Quotes

Over the years I have used quotes in cooking up my presentations and writings in order to season and garnish them, maybe not to everyone's taste, but good enough to whet most readers and listeners' appetites for the main courses. So I'm opening up my quotation recipe book to share some of my favorites.

I'll be updating this list from time to time, and you'll see that I've tried to alphabetize about 200 topics containing around 600 quotes. Many of them fall into the category of paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the second part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected. I've even sprinkled some banker 5 C's flavoring--character, capacity, capital, collateral, conditions--for a little extra taste. Some of you have seen these phrases on bumpers, and maybe bumper stickers are the haiku of American humor. Enjoy and take as many as you want.

Abbreviation

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Action

Never mistake motion for action. Ernest Hemingway

Adversity

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. Henry Ford

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. Lily Tomlin

Advertising

A man who stops advertising to save money is like a man who stops a clock to save time. Henry Ford

Advice

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

Age

With age comes wisdom and discounts.

Age is a question of mind over matter--if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

So far, this is the oldest I've been. George Carlin

If I had my life to live over, I wouldn't have time. Bob Hope

There's nothing worse than being an aging young person. Richard Pryor

You know you'e getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. Joan Rivers

Agreement

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

If it's anything I can stand, it's yes men. When I say no, I want you to say no, too. Jack Warner

Don't say yes until I finish talking. Darryl F. Zanuck

If two men on a job agree all the time, then one is useless. If they disagree all the time, then both are useless. Darryl F. Zanuck

Whenever people agree with me, I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde

Airport

If God had intended for man to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport. Jonathan Winter

Ambition

Ambition without principle never was long under the guidance of good sense. Alexander Hamilton

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven Wright

Anger

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear. Mark Twain

April Fool's Day

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year. Mark Twain

Astrology

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. Arthur C. Clarke

Atheism

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. George Carliln

Bad Taste

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. Mel Brooks

Banking

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it. Bob Hope

A banker lends you an umbrella when the sun shines but wants it back when it rains. Mark Twain

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Only in America do banks leave their doors open but chain their pens to the counters.

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? Bertolt Brecht

Bankruptcy

Capitalism without bankruptcy is like Christianity without Hell.

Beauty

If you look like your passport photo, you probably need the trip.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. Phyllis Diller

Beliefs

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. W. C. Fields

Birthdays

Birthdays are good for you--the more you have, the longer you live.

Body Parts

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Lily Tomlin

On the other hand, you have different fingers. Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Steven Wright

Books

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

Born

I must confess, I was born a very early age. Groucho Marx

Borrowing

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem. J. Paul Getty

Business and Pleasure

The rule of my life is to make business a pleasure and pleasure my business. Aaron Burr

Cancer

Having cancer gave me membership in an elite club I'd rather not belong to. Gilda Radner

Capacity

Sufficiency’s enough for men of sense. Euripides (480-406 B.C.)

You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. William Blake, 'The Marriage of Heaven and Hell,' (1757-1827)

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)

Make all you can, save all you can, give all you can. John Wesley (1703-1791)

I don’t care too much for money, For money can’t buy me love. John Lennon (1940-1980), 'Can’t Buy Me Love' (cowritten with Paul McCartney)

Never ask of money spent

Where the spender thinks it went.

Nobody was ever meant To remember or invent

What he did with every cent.

Robert Frost (1874-1963), “The Hardship of Accounting,” from A Farther Range

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody. Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965), 'The Stevenson Wit'

From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. Karl Marx (1818-1883)

Capital

If you can’t make 10% on your money, drink it. Bernard M. Baruch (1870-1965)

The public be damned. I am working for my stockholders. William Henry Vanderbilt (1821-1885)

If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790), 'Poor Richard’s Almanac'

A billion here, a billion there—pretty soon it adds up to real money. Everett Dirksen (1896-1969)

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repairing. Billy Rose (1899-1966)

Money often costs too much. Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

If a little does not go, much cash will not come. Chinese Proverb

None can hold fortune still and make it last. Euripides (480-406 B.C.)

Care

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desparate to have people think they don't care what people think. George Carlin

Cats

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats alway land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? Steven Wright

Change

?Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Change is inevitable. Change for the better is a full-time job. Adlai Stevenson

Time may change me

But I can't change time. ?David Bowie, 'Changes,' 1972

Character

Every man has three characters— that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has. Alphonse Karr (1808-1890)

The universe seems bankrupt as soon as we begin to discuss the characters of individuals. Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)

A man never discloses his own character so closely as when he describes another’s. Jean Paul Richter (1763-1825)

The measure of a man’s real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out. Thomas Babington Macaulay (1800-1859)

A rich man has no need of character. Hebrew proverb

A man’s indebtedness is not virtue: his repayment is. Virtue begins when he dedicates himself actively to the job of gratitude. Ruth Benedict (1887-1948), 'The Chrysanthemum and the Sword'

The reputation of a man is like his shadow, gigantic when it precedes him, and pygmy in its proportions when it follows. Talleyrand (1754-1838)

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Mark Twain

?One can survive everything nowadays, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation. Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), 'A Woman of No Importance'

Cheese

Ban pre-shredded cheese and make America grate again.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? George Carlin

Church

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. Fred Allen

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Civilization

You can't say that civilizatin don't advance . . . for in every war they kill you a new way. Will Rogers

Collateral

If it isn’t the sheriff’s department, it’s the finance company. I have more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner. John Barrymore (1882-1942)

Litigant, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. Ambrose Bierce (1881-1911), 'The Devil’s Dictionary'

The way to be safe is never to be secure. Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)

Property has its duties as well as its rights. Thomas Drummond (1797-1840)

When neither their property nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content. Niccolo Machiavelli (1469-1527), 'The Prince'

Mine is better than ours. Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Sixteen tons, what do you get?

Another day older and deeper in debt.

Say brother, don’t you call me ‘cause I can’t go,

I owe my soul to the company store.

Merle Travis (1917-1983), Sixteen Tons

He that dies pays all debts. Shakespeare (1564-1616), 'The Tempest,' I:2

Commitment

Think about ham and eggs--the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.

Committee

A committee is a croup of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. Fred Allen

Common Sense

Common sense is nothing more than a deposit of prejudices laid down on the mind before you reach eighteeen. Albert Einstein

Communication

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Steven Wright

Never put both feet in your mouth because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

Always keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them.

If you can't be kind, have the decency to be vague.

Why do I have to press 1 for English if you just transfer me to someone I can't understand, anyway?

Quote me as saying I was misquoted. Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say. Groucho Marx

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? George Carlin

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. Joe Namath

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin

Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back. Will Rogers

It is better for some one to think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Will Rogers

Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers

?Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something. ?Last words of Pancho Villa, 1923

Don’t write anything you can phone. Don’t phone anything you can talk. Don’t talk anything you can whisper. Don’t whisper anything you can nod. Don’t nod anything you can shrug, and don’t shrug anything you can wink. Earl Long

Comparison

What do John the Baptist and Kermit the Frog have in common? Same middle name.

Competition

It's not whether you win or lose but how you place the blame.

Competition brings out the best in products but the worst in people. David Sarnoff

Computers

If you take your laptop when you run, you could jog your memory.

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A programmer solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

But what is it good for? IBM engineer at IBM's Advanced Computing System's Division, re: microchip, 1968.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. Ken Olson, founder, president and chairman, Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977.

640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981.

Conclusion

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Steven Wright

?It ain't over 'til it's over. Yogi Berra

Conditions

Economic progress, in capitalist society, means turmoil. Joseph A. Schumpeter (1883-1950), 'Capitalism, Socialism, and Democracy'

The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists. Ernest Hemingway (1899-1961)

Everybody is always in favour of general economy and particular expenditure. Sir Anthony Eden (1897-1977)

Business will be better or worse. Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933)

What is good for the country is good for General Motors, and vice versa. Charles E. Wilson (1890-1961)

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job, it’s a depression when you lose your own. Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)

It isn’t necessary to imagine the world ending in fire or ice—there are two other possibilities; one is paperwork, and the other is nostalgia. Frank Zappa (1940-1998)

?And you tell me over and over and over again, my friend

Ah, you don't believe we're on the eve of destruction.

?Barry McGuire, 'Eve of Destruction,' 1965

Congress

There is no distinctly American criminal class--except Congress. Mark Twain

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress? Will Rogers

Consultant

A consultant takes the watch off your wrist to tell you the time.

If you have half a mind to become a consultant, then you have what it takes.

Contract

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Samuel Goldwyn

Cooking

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. W. C. Fields

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge. Joan Rivers

Corporation

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Ambrose Bierce

Cost of Living

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. Kathleen Norris

Cracked

Blessed are the cracked for they shall let the light in. Groucho Marx

Credit

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Fail to pay your exorcist, and you will be repossessed.

Creditors have better memories than debtors. Benjamin Franklin

The lender who tightens credit last gets burned first. Mark Zandi

Criticism

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. If he gets angry, he'll be a mile away and barefoot.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible. H. L. Mencken

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. Adlai Stevenson

He who slings mud generally loses ground. Adlai Stevenson

Critics

Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together. Mel Brooks

Culture

Support bacteria--they're the only culture some people have. Steven Wright

Curiosity

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright

Cynic

A cynic is a man who when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. H. L. Mencken

Day

A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Steven Wright

Death

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realized I'm listening to it. George Carlin

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. Clarence Darrow

That's all, folks. Epitaph on the tombstone of Mel Blanc

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest--then we can all die laughing. Lily Tomlin

I feel sorry for people who don't drink or do drugs because someday they're going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won't know why. Redd Foxx

Debt

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budget.

If I owe you a pound, I have a problem; but if I owe you a million, the problem is yours. John Maynard Keynes

Tis' against some men's principle to pay interest, and seems against others' interest to pay the principal.” Benjamin Franklin

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them. Ogden Nash

Debtors

Forgetfulness. A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. Ambrose Bierce

It shows nobility to be willing to increase your debt to a man to whom you already owe much. Cicero

Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. Herbert Hoover

He that dies pays all debts. William Shakespeare

A man who pays his bills on time is soon forgotten. Oscar Wilde

Decision

Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories.

I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it's still stationery.

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow. Delay may give clearer light as to what is best to be done. Aaron Burr

Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often. Mark Twain

?When you get to a fork in the road, take it.” Yogi Berra

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. ?Woody Allen, "My Speech to the Graduates," first published as a parody of graduation speeches in the New York Times in 1979.

?We gotta get out of this place

If it’s the last thing we ever do

We gotta get out of this place

Girl, there's a better life

For me and you.” ?The Animals, 'We Gotta Get Out of This Place,' 1965

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. Mark Twain

Deja Vu

It's deja vu all over again. Yogi Berra

Democracy

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. H. L. Mencken

Die

Die, my dear? That's the last thing I'll do. Groucho Marx

Dining

Best way to avoid kitchen odors--eat out. Phyllis Diller

Direction

Even if you're on the right track, you'll still get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers

You got to be very careful if you don't where you're going because you might not get there. Yogi Berra

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx

MapQuest should start directions on step #5. I already know how to get out of my neighborhood.

If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Steven Wright

How do they get the deer to cross the road only at those yellow signs?

Boldly going nowhere.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway . . . he can't get out. Steven Wright

Distance

Everything is within walking distance if you have the time. Steven Wright

Divorce

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" Rita Rudner

Dreams

Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily. Gilda Radner

Drink

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W.C. Fields

Driving

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? George Carlin

Drugs

I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells. Richard Pryor

Editor

An editor is someone who separates the wheat from the chaff and then prints the chaff. Adlai Stevenson

Education

Don't let schooling interfere with your education. Mark Twain

Ego

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

One positive aspect about an egotist is that he doesn't talk about other people.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. Fred Allen

The reason I talk to myself is that I am the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin

Ego trip--a journey to nowhere. Robert Half

A man's worth is what he is divided by what he thinks he is. Eric Hoffer

He is a self-made man and worships his creator. John Bright

He had delusions of adequacy. Walter Kerr

I always knew I wanted to be someone when I grew up, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. Oscar Wilde

I have nothing to declare but my genius. Oscar Wilde

Electricity

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

Employees

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners. Fred Allen

Environment

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If you're not at the table, then you're on the menu.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos?

Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. Mark Twain

Epitaphs

That's all, folks. Mel Blanc

There goes the neighborhood. Rodney Dangerfield

I will not be back after this announcement. Merv Griffin

Excuse my dust. Dorothy Parker

I'm a writer, but nobody's perfect. Billy Wilder

Error

Error often is to be preferred to indecision. Aaron Burr

Evil

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin

Evolution

If man evolved from the ape, why are there still apes?

He loved nature in spite of what it did to him. Forrest Tucker

Exercise

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. Joan Rivers

Expenses

It's easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are.

Experience

Experience is merely the name men give to their mistakes. Oscar Wilde

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Steven Wright

Explanation

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it. Mark Twain

Facts

Get the facts first. You can distort them later. Mark Twain

Failure

Capitalism without bankruptcy is like Christianity without Hell.

If you try to fail but succeed, which have you done?

There are people who can make a million dollars with their cellphones, and there are those who can lose a million with theirs. It isn't the cellphone that makes the difference.

We made far too many wrong mistakes. Yogi Berra

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. Lily Tomlin

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk? Steven Wright

Fame

Fame changes a lot of things, but it won't change a light bulb. Gilda Radner

I always wanted to be someone, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Fashion

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. Gilda Radner

Fault

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

Fear

Oderint, dum metuant (Let them hate me, so that they will but fear me.) Caligula

Fine

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Steven Wright

Flattery

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy it, but don't swallow it. Hank Ketchum

Food

The hardness of butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Steven Wright

Fool

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain

It is easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled. Mark Twain

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lighning ain't distributed right. Mark Twain

Forget

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx

Fortune

Fortune favors the bold. Virgil

Freedom Fighters

Well if crimefighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? George Carlin

Friendship and Hatred

He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. Oscar Wilde

A good friend will always stab you in the front. Oscar Wilde

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright

Frisbeetarianism

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin

Future

It is possible to forecast anything except the future. Neil Bohr

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. Abe Lincoln

I would not say that the future is necessarily less predicatable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started. Donald Rumsfeld

I like men who have a future and women who have a past. 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' by Oscar Wilde

The future ain't what it used to be. Yogi Berra

General vs. Specific

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. Steven Wright

Golf

Just remember, golf is just flog spelled backward. Milton Berle

Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain

Government

Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him better take a closer look at the American Indian. Henry Ford

Just be glad you're not getting all the government you're paying for. Will Rogers

I don't make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts. Will Rogers

Habit

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Mark Twain

Handwriting

If you can see the handwriting on the wall, you're in the toilet. Redd Foxx

Happiness

A happy man is too satisfied with the present to dwell too much on the future. Albert Einstein

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured that if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Joan Rivers?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. Oscar Wilde

I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. Arnold Schwarzenegger

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Henny Youngman

Health

Be careful of reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain

A lot of people are scared of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until l'm in better shape. I told him, 'all right, don't send me a bill until I can pay you.' Steven Wright

Heaven and Hell

Go to heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there. Oscar Wilde

Hedge

The only good hedge is in a Japanese garden. Martin Mayer

Historian

Historian: an unsuccessful novelist. H. L. Mencken

History

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice. Mark Twain

Honesty

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you got it made. Groucho Marx

Honesty is the best policy--when there's money in it. Mark Twain 

House

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. George Carlin

Housework

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller

?Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis Diller

Humility

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it. Bob Hope

Humor

Humor is just truth, only faster. Gilda Radner

Everything is funny as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

Hypocrite

A hypocrite is the kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation. Adlai Stevenson

Hurt

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

Idealist

An idealist is on who on noticing that roses smell better than cabbages concludes that it will make better soup. H. L Mencken

Ignorance

Everyone is ignorant, only on different subjects. Will Rogers

America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few. Will Rogers

All I know is what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance. Will Rogers

Imitation

I've been imitated so well I've heard people copy my mistakes. Jimi Hendrix

Immorality

Immorality: the morality of those who are having a better time. H. L. Mencken

Important

What is important is seldom urgent, and what is urgent is seldom important. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Income

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde

Innovation

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Insurance

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Intelligence

I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

My mind works like lightning--one brilliant flash and it's gone.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Don't argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself. Mark Twain

Jewish Holiday

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat! Alan King

Job

Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar. George Carlin

Judgment

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Will Rogers 

Jury

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Steven Wright

Kleptomania

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. Robert Benchley

Knowledge vs. Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is actually a fruit, but wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. Jimi Hendrix

The problem ain't what people know. It's what people know that ain't so that's the problem. Will Rogers

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so. Mark Twain 

?I’m not young enough to know everything. ?Oscar Wilde, 'The Sonnets,' 1910

Land

Buy land. They're not making it anymore. Mark Twain

Laugh

He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Steven Wright

Law

Laws are never as effective as habits. Adlai Stevenson

Lawsuit

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? George Carlin

Lawyers

99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A lawyer writes a 10,000-page document and calls it a brief.

Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke. Robin Hall

Leadership

Only dead fish swim with the current.

Oderint dum metuant (Let them hate as long as they fear) Caligula

Learning

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people. Will Rogers

Legend

Legend: a lie that has attained the dignity of age. H. L. Mencken

Lending

If you lend someone $20 and never see the person again, it was probably worth it.

Sponsor and guarantor--sponsor is involved, guarantor is committed.

Creative lender--the only unsecured banker at a bankruptcy hearing.

The lender who tightens credit last gets burned first. Mark Zandi

Life

The most precious thing we have is life itself, but it absolutely no trade-in value.

Good health is just the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Some people are alive because it's illegal to shoot them.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

I live in my own little word, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My reality check bounced.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. George Carlin

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson

It's not the years in your life but the life in your years that count. Adlai Stevenson

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. Mae West

I intend to live forever or die trying. Groucho Marx

I plan to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

Literacy

The person who won't read has no advantage over the one can't read. Mark Twain

Love

If I held you any closer, I would be on the other side of you. Groucho Marx

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? Lily Tomlin

Luck

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to meet it. Jonathan Winter

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Rodney Dangerfield

Luggage

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. George Roberts

Management

How can overlook and oversee be so different?

Map

I have an existential map. It has 'you are here' written all over it. Steven Wright

Marriage

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do" is the longest sentence? George Carlin

I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? H. L. Mencken

Half of all marriages end in divorce--and then there are the really unhappy ones. Joan Rivers

?Bigamy is having one wife too many; monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde

Math and Statistics

The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. Charles Darwin

Maturity

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't worry about old age. It won't last that long.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

The older you get, the better you realize you were. George Carlin

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth standing in line. Will Rogers

?Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now. ?Bob Dylan, 'My Back Pages,' 1964

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag. Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they've discontinued your blood type. Phyllis Diller

We could certainly slow down the aging process if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers

Memories

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Steven Wright

Memory

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

He had a photographic memory, but it was never developed.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Steven Wright

Millionaires

If it weren't for baseball, most kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. Phyllis Diller

Mime

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Steven Wright

Mind

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? Fred Allen

Mistake

Next time someone complains that you have made a mistake , tell him that may be a good thing because without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist. Stephen Hawking

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. Groucho Marx

Modesty

A modest man, who has much to be modest about. Winston Churchill

Money

A lot of money is tainted--'taint yours and 'taint mine.

Money is a lot like manure. If you spread it around, it'll do a lot of good, but if you put it all in one place, it starts to smell.

Why is the man who invests your money called a broker?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen

Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does. Jane Austen

?The mint makes it fast; it is up to you to make it last. Evan Esar

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. Phyllis Diller

While money can't buy you happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. Groucho Marx

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your wallet. Will Rogers

The lack of money is the root of all evil. Mark Twain

When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money. Artemus Ward

When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is. Oscar Wilde

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Henny Youngman

Monopoly

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Steven Wright

Movies

In the beginning, they were all black and white. Maureen O'Hara

Music

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there is a stupid song about him?

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. Lily Tomlin

He has Van Gogh's ear for music. Billy Wilder

We don't like their sound, and guitar music on the way out. 1962 Decca Recording Company internal memo rejecting the Beatles.

Museum

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. Steven Wright

Music

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

Mustard

Dijon vu--the same mustard as before.

Necessity

Necessity is the mother of taking chances. Mark Twain

We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities. Oscar Wilde

New York vs. Los Angeles

When its 100 degrees in New York, it's 72 in Los Angeles. When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles it's still 72. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon

News

They begin the evening news with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Night

What a nice night for an evening. Steven Wright

Nostalgia

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Things ain't what they used to be and probably never was. Will Rogers

Obituaries

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. Clarence Darrow

Observation

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. George Bernard Shaw

You can observe a lot just by watching. Yogi Berra

Older

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. Groucho Marx

Open-Minded

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out. Groucho Marx

Outdoors

To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxi. Fran Lebowitz

Parachute

You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Party

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

Patience

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Steven Wright

Perfection

Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work. Aristotle

Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection. Mark Twain

Performance

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? George Carlin

Petty

Don't seat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. George Carline

Plagiarism

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Planning

Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected' making the unexpected expected?

Last year I joined a group for procrastinators, but we haven't met yet. 

No one plans to fail, but some fail to plan.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? George Carlin

Make a game plan and stick to it unless it's not working. Yogi Berra

Plastic Surgery

I was going to have plastic surgery until I noticed the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. Rita Rudner

Policy

I never had a policy; I have just tried to do my very best each and every day. Abraham Lincoln

Politics

A fool and his money are soon elected. Will Rogers

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected. Will Rogers

The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other. Will Rogers

Popularity

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Steven Wright

Power

Give all the power to the many, they will oppress the few. Give all the power to the few, they will oppress the many. Alexander Hamilton

Poverty

I was born on the kitchen table. We were so poor my mother couldn't afford to have me; the lady next door gave birth to me. Mel Brooks

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Groucho Marx

Preboard

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? George Carlin

Predetermination

I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road. Stephen Hawking

Prediction

An economist will know tomorrow why his prediction yesterday didn't happen today.

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins the Lottery'?

Prejudice

I am free of all prejudices. I have everyone equally. W. C. Fields

Pride

If pride comes before a fall, humility should come by winter.

Probability

Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others. Jonathan Winter

Problem

Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. George Carlin

We cannot solve or problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. H. L. Mencken

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you have to do is stop digging. Will Rogers

Productivity

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

Price, speed, quality--choose one!

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. Henry Ford

Progress

New roads, new ruts. Gilbert Keith Chesterton

Restlessness is discontent and discontent is the first necessity of progress. Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure. Thomas Ediston

The art of progress is to preserve order amid change, and to preserve change amid order. Alfred North Whitehead

I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back. Abraham Lincoln

Proof

Absence of proof is not proof of absence. Michael Levine, character in Michal Crrichton's 'Lost World.'

Prophesy

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks. Mark Twain

Psychic

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. Steven Wright

Psychokinesis

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Steven Wright

Puritanism

Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. H. L. Mencken

Quantity vs Quality

I don't want it good, I want it Tuesday. Jack Warner

?Quantity has a quality all its own. Nikita Khruschev on subject of nuclear weapons.

Question

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Do you have a dollar on you? I hate to answer questions for nothing. Mel Brooks

Rat Race

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Lily Tomlin

Reality

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. Albert Einstein

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal. Groucho Marx

What is reality anyway? Just a collective hunch. Lily Tomlin

Reasoning

Circular reasoning may not solve a problem, but it doesn't leave any loose ends. Dev Strischek

Recipes

I read recipes the way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself, "Well, that's not going to happen." Rita Rudner

Redneck

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. Jeff Foxworthy

Regulation

What's the difference between a terrorist and a bank regulator? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Carl Tannenbaum

Relativity

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute--and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein

Religion

There is a fundamental difference between religion, which is based on authority, and science, which is based on observation and reason. Science will win because it works. Stephen Hawking

Research

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, but to steal from many is research.

Restaurant

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Steven Wright

Relationships

If you like someone, set him free. If he comes back, it's because nobody else like him, either. Set him free again.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Cure for obsession--get another one.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Those who grow too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here. Stephen Bishop

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Relief

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. Lily Tomlin

Republicans

If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them. Adlai Stevenson

Respect

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Rich (see also Wealth, Success)

Rise early, work hard, strike oil. J. Paul Getty

Rich vs. Poor

There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. Oscar Wilde

Risk

If no one ever took risks, Michaelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor. Neil Simon

Banks should be in the business of taking risks, not chances.

Rumor

Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth. Will Rogers

Sanity

Too much sanity may be madness and the maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be. Miguel de Cervantes

Sermon

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. George Burns

Simplicity

Things should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Albert Einstein

Sin

I believe in the forgiveness of sin and the redemption of ignorance. Adlai Stevenson

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. Mark Twain

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. Oscar Wilde

Smile

Start every day with a smile and get it over with. W. C. Fields

Solution

Our major obligation is not to mistake slogans for solutions. Edward R. Murrow

Speaking

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin

Speed

How can 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?

My car's so slow that bugs hit the rear window. Ed Morsman

OK, so what's the speed of dark? Steven Wright

Spelling

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Steven Wright

Spending

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. Everett Dirksen

Statistics

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. Mark Twain

Stone

Well, they'll stone you when you're trying to be so good;

They'll stone you just like they send they would. Bob Dylan, Rainy Day Women #12 and #35

Stupidity

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that. George Carlin

Style

If the ride is more fly, then you must buy. Snoop Dogg

Subordination

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Success

If A is success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play, and Z is keeping your mouth shut. Albert Einstein

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. Mark Twain

The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Steven Wright

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. Lily Tomlin

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Steven Wright

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. Steven Wright

I couldn't wait for success, so I just went on without it. Jonathan Winter

Supply and Demand

Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale??

“Don’t it always seem to go

That you don’t know what you got till it’s gone?”

?Joni Mitchell, 'Big Yellow Taxi,' 1970

“You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometime you find you get what you need”

?Rolling Stones, 'You Can’t Always Get What You Want,' 1969

Synonym

Is there another word for synonym?

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

Target

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Tasks

Always do whatever's next. George Carlin

Taste

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. H. L. Mencken

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde

Tax

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. Steven Wright

Teamwork

We're all in this alone. Lily Tomlin

We're all in this together , by ourselves. Lily Tomlin

Technology

Velcro--what a rip-off!

Why do hotdogs come in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

Why do we say something is out of whack--what's a whack?

Why does a toaster have a setting that burns toast that no one would eat?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in the boat?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil made from vegetables, what about baby oil?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

I couldn't repair your brakes, but I made your horn louder. Steven Wright

Television won't be able to hold on any market after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box. Darryl F. Zanuck

This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communiction. The device is inherently of no value to us. Western Union internal memo, 1876.

Television

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. Fred Allen

I grew up in front of a television. I guess I'll grow old inside of one. Gilda Radner

Temptation

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again. H. L. Mencken

Temptation is an irresistible force at work on a movable body. H. L. Mencken

I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. Winston Churchill

Theft

The thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

Theory and Practice

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is. Yogi Berra

Thought

I got lost in thought, and it wasn't familiar territory.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright

Time

Time stops, we go. H. L. Mencken

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar-it was tense.

A hungry clock always goes back for seconds.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

What year did Jesus think it was? George Carlin

No man goes before his time--unless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. Will Rogers

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. Steven Wright

Traffic

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Truth

If truth is beauty, how come no one ever has their hair done in the library? Lily Tomlin

The best mind-altering drug is the truth. Lily Tomlin

Twins

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts. Steven Wright

If I have twin daughters, I'll name one Kate and the other Duplikate. Steven Wright

My twin prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator. I guess we are raised differently. Steven Wright

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two. Steven Wright

I didn't really like my conjoined twin sister at first, but she grew on me. Steven Wright

What do we call a pair of identical twin cats? Duplicats? Steven Wright

The environmentally minded mom called her twins Carbon and Copy. Steven Wright

Universe

The universe never did make sense; I suspect it built on government contract. Robert Heinlein

Unknown

There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns--the ones we don't know we don't know. Donald Rumsfeld

Value

Price is what you pay. Value is what you get. Warren Buffett

Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde

Vegetarian

Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning bad hunter.

Victory

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

Viewpoint

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like yours. Bob Hope

Violence

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Steven Wright

Virtue and Vice

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. Winston Churchill

Visitors

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

Vulgarity

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. Mel Brooks

War

How is it possible to have a civil war?

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Steven Wright

Making peace is harder than making war. Adlai Stevenson

Water

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. Mark Twain

Wealth

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire. Howard Hughes

Weather

Weather forecast for tonight--dark. George Carlin

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get. Mark Twain

Will

Where there's a will there's a won't. Ambrose Bierce

A will is a dead giveaway.

Where's there a will, I want to be in it.

Where's there a will, there's relatives.

Work

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that aren't and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. George Carlin

Hard work may pay off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Steven Wright

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Steven Wright

Worry

Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due. Will Rogers

Writing

Illiterate? Write for help.

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. Ernest Hemingway

Yesterday

Don't let yesterday take up too much of today. Will Rogers