Say something (maybe.)

Why is it so difficult to say the right thing to someone that we interact with daily? I'm reading a book called "Attached" by Amir Levine M.D. and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. The authors discuss anxious, avoidant and secure attachment styles and show evidence that attachment is plastic and can change throughout ones life depending on circumstance. They also discuss how our attachment styles are largely determined in childhood. For example, if you are avoidant you will tend to equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness vs. an anxious attachment style will be preoccupied with the relationship and constantly worry if the other person has the capacity to love them.

Attachment theory is the most advanced relationship science in existence today, and it provides evidence to why and how we connect to others. As a co-host of the YouTube channel, Between Two Teeth - my purpose is to connect, discover and inspire. I find myself more interested in connection and more specifically why some people just "get it" and others are lost when it comes to effective human interaction. Specifically as a periodontal surgeon and leader in my practice - I find myself challenged daily to say the right thing at the right time - and I don't always get it right. Actually, more times than not I find myself 'in my head' knowing what needs to be said and lacking the courage or confidence to say it to another member of the office team.

What happens is the office is kept in harmony - on the surface - but I find myself carrying that home with me or worse seeing avoidable mistakes happen because of inadequate leadership/communication. Imagine a soda bottle that keeps being shaken every time there is an interaction - when you learn to communicate effectively, you release a little of the pressure from the cap each time. However, when you hold it inside, eventually there is a violent outburst, leaving you completely out of control of what comes next.

I learned last week that there were two more dentists that died by suicide. As an American Dental Association wellness ambassador, I'm learning more about negative coping strategies (ie. alcohol, drugs, food, etc.) to handle stress. I didn't consider that part of the stress comes from not being able to appropriately communicate with others. We all have a unique set of needs and life can be daunting without an inner circle of authentic friendships and connection.

I'm learning that we attach or connect with others everyday and there are a multitude of opportunities to try things out or practice the effect of our interactions on ourselves and others. Brene Brown, a researcher and speaker has a famous saying "be clear and kind, don't be nice". Clarity with kindness is a great place to start when it comes to communicating with others. Personally, when I try this approach I tend to get wrapped in emotion - something I'm working on. Adults are able to control their emotions and communicate confidently (and kindly) what they need. A lack of emotional awareness can literally hijack your best efforts and your message will get lost. According to research, about half of the population has a stable attachment style - that also means the other half are anxious or avoidant. The disconnect, may not even be your fault (something to remember), Stay tuned, I am a work in progress.