Say My Name, Say My Name

As the daughter of 1.) a woman who has taught in special education for 40 years and 2.) a man who is a fintech expert and B2B executive at Apple, I've spent much of my adult life threading the two worlds together; re-learning the lessons that, if retained in the classroom, can go a long way for us as professionals in the boardroom. 

This week, a teacher friend shared an article from EdWeek that resounded deeply with me, titled "Mispronouncing Students' Names: A Slight That Can Cut Deep." The article sheds light on the struggle "for students, especially the children of immigrants or those who are English-language learners" for whom "a mispronounced name is often the first of many slights they experience in classrooms; they're already unlikely to see educators who are like them, teachers who speak their language, or a curriculum that reflects their culture." Mispronunciation, the article explains, is all about effort. If a teacher won't try with a name they aren't familiar with, other students might not either.

It can carry with a person for the duration of their childhood, young adulthood, and then into their professional life.

Learning to pronounce a colleague’s, customer’s, employee’s, or vendor’s full name is a sign of basic respect. For some of us who are guilty of incorrect pronunciation in the workplace--and I include myself here--it's more because of embarrassment than lack of effort. It feels awkward to tell someone "I don't know how to say your name, can you teach me?" in a public meeting, or to mumble through introductions on a conference call and then bring the entire conversation to a halt to ask for the phonetic spelling of their last name, or to send an email asking which syllable you should emphasize. But I promise you, it's a lot less awkward for everyone involved for you to take a private moment, pick up the phone, and say "help me get this right." Today, the lines are often blurry in the distinction between "work friend" and "friend" in an increasingly Millennial corporate space (where even Goldman Sachs relaxed their dress code, and where employee uprising forced a 180 in BNY Mellon's work from home ban). Whether work friend, colleague, or friend, can you honestly build a partnership based on trust if you haven't extended the simplest courtesy to the other person?

What's in a Name?

I learned a great deal about the meaning of a name in the professional world in the example set by a Nigerian colleague and friend, Birikisu "Abby" Vilmael (see what I did there? Pay attention, it comes back). She laid it out for me when I observed her introducing herself by one name ("Abby") to American colleagues and another ("Birikisu") to those who took the time to ask her about it. There is a lot in a name: pride, family, history. For some, there is the same level of importance in honoring their choice of “shortname.” Someone called “Thomas” may only want to be called “Tom” by family and not at work. My grandfather who came to this country in the 1940's--at another time when Mexican immigrants were not overly welcome--changed his name from “Guillermo” to “William” so that he would blend in and find work easier, despite his accent and his skin tone. I never even knew until I read it in his obituary. I only ever knew his friends to call him "Bill."

The same convention about avoiding assumption and making an effort stands as a good practice for gender fluid names. Having lived my entire life as a girl/woman named "Brett," this one hits close to home. At rental car counters, in the office, at BBQs, and even when doctor's offices and utility companies call my own cell phone to talk about my accounts, people come right out and say "Isn't that a man's name?" While I do make an effort to be responsive to my work email, I’ll admit the messages addressed to “Mr.” McKenzie usually fall to the bottom of my "to do" list--and the few folks who know where my mother drew inspiration for the name "Brett Ashley" get right to the top of the list (Google it. And buy the book, it's quite good).

For many of us, our first name is one of the only things about ourselves that never changes throughout our life. What does yours mean to you? Can you relate to some of the assumptions above?