Saudade - A nostalgic feeling of being far from home

Not long ago, around mid-November, I embarked on a 26-hour flight from Brazil to Australia, crossing the Pacific Ocean. Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of travelling the world, having amazing experiences, and learning life lessons. My mind and heart brimmed with excitement; I was on the verge of realising my dream of living abroad.?

This is my first time living abroad, and since arriving in Melbourne, I've felt a mix of emotions. When I first set foot in Australia, reality began to sink in gradually. I believe everyone who embarks on this journey of living outside their comfort zone—usually called "home"—comes with different purposes. Each individual arrives with a baggage full of expectations about life abroad. And when we enter this new 'world', full of good intentions and opportunities, the truth hits hard: being outside of our comfort zone means facing everything that scares the mind.

It's realising that every morning is a new day for a version of yourself that was previously unknown. Upon arrival, the cultural shock was immediate. Despite living in an increasingly globalised world where we have access to diverse cultures, I couldn't shake off the feeling of being out of place. Here, I'm merely identified by my name and nationality. Walking through unfamiliar streets and encountering unfamiliar faces was a surreal experience. It's unsettling to realise that nobody here knows anything about my background. It's as if I'm a blank canvas, yet there are still traces of my old self lingering.

I must confess, during the first few months, I embraced being a tourist. I visited several landmarks I had marked on the map even before arriving in Australia. During this time, I learned how the public transportation system works (making a few wrong turns and laughing at my lack of direction), dined solo at a highly recommended restaurants, relaxed in parks, and sipped a beer at a bar observing people and understanding the dynamics of relationships in this multicultural country. But most importantly, I began to enjoy my own company. I believe that everyone living abroad must face their fears, questions, and moments of joy alone at some point because those we'd like to share these experiences with are usually in different time zones.

Waking up and attending school to study English brought a sense of belonging. In the classroom, I was surrounded by students from various parts of the world, each with different backgrounds, unease, and dreams. I know every experience is unique, but when you're living abroad, you meet people who live with the same enthusiasm, anxiety about the future, and a myriad of emotions that you share with the person right next to you.

I remember walking into that classroom as if it were yesterday. I was shy and excited all at once, but deep down, I believed it was going to be an amazing experience. I joined the Upper-Intermediate class aiming to hone my language skills. Entering the room, I saw faces from all over, each just a name and a nationality, much like myself. Though groups had already formed, I found a seat in the corner by the window, where people welcomed me warmly. Our teacher, from the USA, was a great help in getting accustomed to the accent. Soon enough, she asked me to introduce myself to the class. One lesson I've held onto from that day is that I wasn't obligated to speak perfect English; I was there to learn, just like everyone else in the room.

As the days went by, I gradually acquainted myself with the people in my classroom, and naturally, I formed bonds with some of them. It was in the moments after class, when we'd head to a bar, that our differences would surface, but always with a curiosity about each other. It was during these outings that I began to forge friendships with people experiencing similar feelings to mine.

After the tourist phase, I started to feel anxious about finding a job, as the cost of living in Melbourne is high. My work experience in Brazil was related to my degree in International Trade; I had never worked in hospitality. However, this field is the "easiest" to find employment in, so I did something I had never done before: I personally handed out resumes, as people advised me it was the best approach. I received a few rejections from restaurants and cafes. That was the most turbulent period of my exchange; it's when you feel like you won't be able to stay for the duration of your visa, when you start questioning if you made the right decision, when everyone around you seems to be moving forward, and you feel stuck. It's when saudade from home hits you hard in the chest.

As you might not know the meaning of Saudade, let me translate this Portuguese word often deemed untranslatable. Yet, I believe that when we're far from home, we all experience this sentiment. Saudade is a complex fusion of genuine feelings—loss, nostalgia, memories, and love for something, someone, or some specific moment—that conveys a depth of sentimentality transcending simple longing for something or someone absent.

It's when you get sick while you’re on the other side of the world, and all you crave is your family to care for you; that's when saudade strikes deep within. You feel saudade when dining out with friends, and the food evokes all the sensations of the flavors from your homeland. It's when you've just achieved a dream, yet all you can think about is sharing it with those you love. Saudade has come to symbolize not only the sadness of absence but also the hope of reunion, becoming a symbol of love and profound connection to one's homeland.

Every now and then, Saudade hits hard, prompting us to question our decisions and why we're here. Yet, simultaneously, it grants us the courage to confront challenges, remembering those who are cheering us from our homeland along the path we've chosen. When you become aware of your place and align it with your expectations of living in Australia, the path becomes smoother. However, it takes patience to understand and respect your boundaries.

There will be many days when you wake up, and your greatest desire will be to speak only your native language, or when you speak English, but you feel like what you want to express only exists in your language, when words seem empty. Moreover, there will be days when being here makes complete sense, when you feel like a part of a community and that you're growing from the experiences you've been through. After many "no's," I landed a job at a pizzeria. I'm making my way without much hurry, but always with saudade of something or someone that gives me the energy to keep going.

I've learned recently that living without expectations for tomorrow is difficult but makes every minute more special. With an open heart, I came to Melbourne this way, vulnerable to discovering more about myself and others. Improving my English language skills goes hand in hand with the experiences this city has offered me; I've started to notice more that we do something for the first time every day. And the most exciting thing about all this is observing how beautiful it is to be the product of our culture and roots. Here, I am Stella from Brazil, from a city called Fortaleza, and every day, I meet someone with a different culture who introduces me to a world different from my own. In these moments, I realize how rich we are in our differences.